My partner has finally spoken to me and said that I have put her in an impossible position explaining that it's unfair for her to have to decide to break our children's hearts. I've told her that I am still the same person and that I am here to support.
It's not so much the gambling that has caused this, but the lying and deceit that has really broken her.
Although I am now taking steps to better understand what has been happening to me, particularly why I have been deceitful and not been as happy as I should've been, it now seems as though it is too late. She now hates me and is questioning everything from the past - I know that she is concerned about things that are not true, but she now sees everything as the worst possible scenario and won't accept anything I say for obvious reasons.
She simply cannot understand that any of my behaviour that has hurt her is not a true reflection on how I actually feel and how I have been thinking - I dearly love my family and our life together but I'm realising that I stupidly considered gambling as a source of income and although I haven't lost a lot of money this time, I have in the past and as I have consistently gambled over the past couple of years, it has seriously affected how I have been behaving towards those closest to me.
I can understand how she feels, but she has now completely forgotten about any happiness we have shared. It's really scary because there doesn't seem to be a way forwards... she has given up on me and is not willing to try and better understand things. Will this ever change over time?
As a family unit, we are stuck. We have young children, don't have enough money to separate and it's Christmas time.
Things are so hard at the moment and I really don't know what to do other than put on a brave face and encourage my partner to consider counselling... but she is totally devastated, dismissive and is not willing to discuss how we can move forwards for the benefit of us all.
We had other ongoing issues before the gambling... but now it feels like this recent gambling confrontation is taking over and diverting us from addressing other anxiety's that I feel were also troubling our relationship.
Does this resonate with anybody else here?
I to are going through this at present as this is the 3rd time for me I have gambled and lost the lot,being kicked out of house this time and now at parents I don’t think she will ever understand.the only question she keeps saying is WHY?
Thanks for replying Slipdisk. It's so painful isn't it? I'm trying so hard to be happy but now I have done this to her, its even more difficult.
How are you guys communicating at the moment? Do you think you can recover things?
Hi BLue5 and welcome.
I hope you are starting to understand that her reaction is the reality that you knew was coming. The deceit comes together with a gambling addiction. If it was an activity you were proud of you would have told the world long before now.
You need to accept the humility to realise you have had a devastating addiction and go back into the room and tell her what you plan to do for the sake of the relationship and the kids.
Her reactions are understandable and you need help. There is no shame in reaching out for that help. She may be willing to try and understand this as a drug addiction. Im sure you didnt do it with an evil laugh to hurt her but the fact is that every time you gambled you were laying down your self respect, dignity, your kids and your marriage with every bet...thats what you really gambled with.
Your way forward is openness and honesty. Yes she will need a support network but Im a little concerned that you seem to be giving advice that she needs counselling. You should be getting the advice and not giving any
Im not having a go. You will be hurt and confused at the moment. Its you that needs to be eating humble pie and you should be getting off to a GA meeting as soon as possible.
We are not relationship counsellors but you need to be living on an allowance and working at saving some sort of working respect between you. Forget the trust...you dont need the trust....you need to show people that you have stopped gambling and will put all the blocks in place.
You have a lot of discussing to do and I will leave it to you to find a way to break the ice...for that is what you must do.
It also takes a selflessness to realise that protecting her is actually a priority. As a non gambler her reaction is the natural or normal one. A gambling addiction makes no sense outside of the deluded and addicted mind of a gambler...its starts to make sense when learned about as a drug addiction and split mind control illness.
It makes you a bigger and better man to realise that whatever she decides to do, you will be stopping gambling to protect the family in future
So you need to talk.... support her decisions and start getting real help to heal your mind.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thanks Joydivider - I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
What have you done to show her you mean to stop gambling permanently? She needs to see action not listen to what will sound like empty promises after all the lies.
It's not up to her to understand. I still don't years down the line although I've accepted I never will. You can find understanding and support at GA. Her priority has to be to protect herself financially. My advice would be to take the anger and the questions on the chin. Answer honestly and don't try to justify any of it. TBH if Mr L had suggested I was the one who needed counselling I don't think I'd have been responsible for my actions. All I wanted to hear was that it was over and how that was happening.
Hi Dave
This resonates hard with me - it took me a while to see that the lies and deceit went hand in hand with the gambling. My wife was furious and upset in equal quantities, and had every right to be.
So what I did was:
1) Hands up and take responsibility for my actions. I made those decisions even if I was 'under the influence'.
2) Showed her I wanted to change.
3) Handed control/visibility of finances over to her. Yes it sucks that I can't surprise her with presents tomorrow, but that's a really small price to pay.
4) Tried to be a better person and really fought against any urges. I wanted to change, I was sick of my gambling life.
It's still obviously a work in progress and the trust that got shattered may never fully come back. But nearly five months on GF and the entire family is benefiting from this new direction.
I know I'm lucky and this might not be enough for everyone. But it's always actions rather than words that count.
I can only change how my wife feels through my actions over time, but I have zero rights to expect her to forgive and/or forget.
I wish you well.
SJC
Hi good advice from sjanon, don't just talk the talk walk the walk, sorry is just a word actions show that you are serious. I'm heading towards 7months gamble free and after reading your thread yesterday I asked my husband to be truthful ' does he trust me ' his answer 'it's getting better.' And that's ok neither do I deserve full trust or even want full trust .what she actually needs more than anything is time and space. I wish you well I hope you work it out.
Hi all,
Just a little update here, I’m doing well and remain GF. I’ve been feeling much better and have an ever increasing awareness of this dreadful addiction. I’ve been off to a few GA meetings, and have started therapy outside of GamCare.
I’ve been trying to give my wife space and communicate, but she continues to ignore everything and in her words, she is “just staying strong for herself and the kids”. She can’t stand anything I say, she thinks it’s all Bullsh1t and is firmly fixed on her view that I haven’t changed one but and never will.
I’m doing my best to show her that I love her and that I am doing all I can to address our issues, but she is just so damaged that she won’t entertain joining my therapy sessions or even talk about what she wants... just more time and for the kids to be happy and content - but as time ticks on, we are miserable and it will soon be affecting the kids.
Last night she told me that things will never ever be the same again, which I can understand, but will we ever be able to enjoy our lives together again? And if we don’t know now, when will we ever know? And when should we try to muster the strength to call it a day for all our benefit?
d**n, this is so hard and sad 🙁
Would appreciate any comments...
Hi Dave. Sorry to hear all this.
you have taken all the right measures and she still seems no sign of forgiving- not sure what more you can do. You broke her trust.
All you can do is take 1 day at a time and just be the best person you can be, I know this is a tiring process - especially from the fact you are compounded with fighting an addiction.
I’m on my last chance with my wife, we’ve never been the same since she last saw i gambled. It really hit home what I did when I saw her crying.
ive taken all the right practical steps, told her my finances, gam stopped my accounts etc and we are starting to get on better - have our good and bad days.
just do what you can. But always remember Gambling will make it worse.
Thank you Mark, glad to hear that you guys are getting on better.
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