I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. We've been together for a year and a half and living together for four months. Since we started going out I knew I would be fighting online poker.
His schedule is get up, go to the gym, play poker (1-3 hours) make/eat lunch, go straight to work, come home, play poker until past bedtime. It adds up to at least 6 hours a day. He doesn't do many chores but after a huge fight about that once he now does a token few to stop me from complaining. On the weekends he plays at least 6 hours each day. We have almost no time together, and when we do he is distracted and I know he is just itching to play again.
This morning I asked if he should take the day off poker and he agreed, then twenty minutes later threw a fit and said he was going to do what he wanted which was play poker, which he did for the next 3 hours like usual until he made lunch and went to work. Quite nicely, he told me that if we spend the whole day together today, then that's all I will want in the future and i will then always be unsatisfied when he plays poker. I feel hugely insulted. Then when he left he was happy and apologised for being an idiot, but I don't know how much more of this i can stand. He treats me and my feelings with incredible disrespect and won't hear any objection I make. He just has to 'get his games in'. he has a poker schedule he has to stick to.
He often says he just needs to get his games in for the day so he can free up time for me in the evening, but then he plays in the evening too. if I get upset or even mention the word poker he flies into a rage, yells and slams the door. I spend entire days crying. I am so frustrated and can't talk to him about it because he is just waiting for me to 'nag' so he can have an excuse to get furious and play until 2am. To punish me, it feels like. Every day I come home from work (an hour after him) and he's in there playing.... he barely acknowledges me and I am then alone all evening, every evening. If I complain he says I'm just bored and wanting attention, and that I don't complain when he spends that much time at the gym.
He wants to be a professional poker player and treats it all as experience. We don't share money so I don't care how much he wastes. He does pretty well on the tables but has this idea that if he's on a hot streak, he has to keeping playing... which means there's no schedule and no way to predict when we'll have time together. I am at my wit's end. We had lots of plans for the future but all I see is a future fighting with the computer. I am prepared to throw it all in, I haven't said this to him yet. First i want to try and make him see what he's doing to me. I feel completely unvalued and most times I just thank God we're not married and I can still get out of this poor excuse for a relationship. But I want to try and make him see what it's doing to me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can cope with this? thankyou.
Hey,
Well it sound like he is addicted to me. Also when he tells you he's wins that what most of us do and it's quite possible he doesn't.
I think he needs to accept that he has a problem himself and it may be a good idea to have a chat with one of the staff members here.
Good Luck and sorry if i haven't been much help.
Jamie.
Thank you I will try that.
Hi Argent,
Well, the fact that your here, looking for help, means at least YOU realise he has a problem!! You must want to help him face up to this addiction and do something about it, this is a great place to start as you can both get a great deal of support from this site!!!
I know what its like as I'm a gambler myself trying to stop!!
Reading your post shows how upset and how desperate you are to do something before it gets too late and you just end your relationship in frustration and despair.......the problem your faced with, is your boyfriend cannot see he has a problem yet!!!
I've heard so many friends reckon they could become professional poker players, but they always fail with substantial loses to prove it!!!
I think the only way to show him how you really feel maybe, is to let him read your first post on this forum......its gonna be hard, but if talking to him isn't working, maybe the only way is to show him how serious you are by letting him know what help is available and what might happen if he is not willing to face up to the fact that his gambling is going to suffocate your relationship until its over!!!
I'm no councellor, I'm just a average bloke giving you my opinion, you may get different advice from Rob or Helen tomorrow!!
My thoughts are with you anyway and I hope you can make him see what he might lose if he cant face up to this problem.....
Take care.....
Col x x
Hi Argent,
First of all i would say after reading your post that your boyfriend does have a problem with on-line poker (had the same problem myself).
When you say he doesn't spend enough time with you and starts fights so he can play poker that is a typical trait of a compulsive gambler (i am one) and i would do anything just to play poker even if it meant hurting the people i cared for it ruled my life for so long.
Unfortunately until your boyfriend realises he has a problem there is not a lot you can do as he will carry on the way he is.Hopefully in the near future he will realise he has a problem before it completely ruins your relationship and his finances.
Everybody was telling me i had a problem but i just didn't believe them i thought i was in control but it was the gambling that had control over me and it has cost me so much both financially and emotionally.
I wish you all the best and hope your boyfriend realises he has a problem before it is too late.
Take care,
Craig
Hi, I've been there, using fights with my wife as the excuse I needed to gamble. Maybe a coincidence but I also found that I suffered my heaviest losses after having an argument. I would then convince myself that if we hadn't argued, I would still have the money. Then I would chase the losses and so it goes on. I found the online stuff by far the worst, with the potential for the worst losses, so hopefully he can see sense before too much damage is done.
Good luck (if that's the right choice of phrase)
Hmmm yeah safe to say hes an addict. Bin him off or standby for a life as a 'poker widow'.
"He treats me and my feelings with incredible disrespect"
"he flies into a rage, yells and slams the door. I spend entire days crying"
"he barely acknowledges me and I am then alone all evening, every evening."
Forget about the gambling for a minute, what are you getting from this relationship ? It doesn't sound great.
It is highly likely that this emotional abuse will get worse.
It is highly likely that he has hidden debts & any hopes of buying a house or having a future won't happen.
It is highly likely that even if he recognises his problem that we will struggle to quit and probably relapse, and relapse many times.
You will not be able to 'save' him.
Do not try - you will waste years of your life.
You are in the early stages of a relationship.
Get out now while your finances & mental health haven't been too damaged
Sorry for the fairly brutal advice but trying to get him to change is utterly futile.
After that post you wrote you still need to ask wheter he has a problem?
If you go to the family and friends subsection we see quite a recurring situation where you are now, but a few years down the line when people have hosues, kids and a mortgage. Don't get caught in that situation.
He has an addiction, but is the worst kind of addict, one that will hurt all those around him and blame others for getting in his way from doing what he wants.
I would honestly get out of there, but I know it i hard to give up a relationship.
The real decider for me is
1) A gambler wants to stop (he evidently does not)
2) If they think they aware they have a problem (see's it as a hobby/passion?)
Your boyfriend is noway near either of those two mindsets.
That is why it is never going to work. If you make him stop, he will blame you for stopping him form doing what he wants, and if you let him gamble, it will only give you pain.
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