It happened again

Hello all, 

my partner about 3.5/4 years ago found out about my gambling addiction. After winning a huge amount online I had to tell her, I knew it would only make me addicted.. and it did. 

I won online, I took it out straight Away, we enjoyed the money and I didn’t actually gamble for some time after this. My partner and I had a talk about gambling and how much she doesn’t like it. 

fast forward 2 years and I had been gambling again, telling lies and being secretive from my partner And family, arguing weekly All because of this disease what I couldn’t talk to her about because of the guilt and shame. Eventually it did come out, my partner added up all of my losses and it was sickening. She involved my family and they had an intervention for me, I must admit it worked. I was gamble free for over a year, I didn’t even think about it. I was in a happy place, regaining my wife’s trust and everything felt good. 

I don’t know what happened but one day I found myself on a gambling site again, the worst day for me as I would find things spiralled out of control very quickly. About January time I found this site you could gamble with crypto. I dealt with cryptocurrency while I wasn’t gambling, although I realise that is still gambling it felt a lot ‘safer’ option. I think the volatility of the crypto was what kept me from gambling, until it didn’t. 

I believe it was the first deposit I made on the site, I was playing the slots online and I got into a jackpot bonus and won another xxx. I couldn’t believe it but I wish I never won it. Because it was crypto i took it out and put it into my crypto wallet and instead of withdrawing it into my bank I kept the temptation there. I managed weeks without touching it as I was obsessed with the balance. Unfortunately one day I redeposited into the site, won some lost alot. It’s been going on since January, I now have no crypto to my name, I maxed out a credit card I took out several loans and further credit cards, I found myself in my over draft. I don’t know what it wrong with me, I need to know what my trigger point is for gambling. 

My partner doesn’t know the extent of the damage I’ve caused and I cannot bare to put her through the pain again, i can’t keep putting her through this. I am very fortunate as I have been to my parents and they have dealt with gambling addictions elsewhere in the family so they know what im going through, they have been so supportive and they have actually paid all of my debs at set up a payment plan for me to pay them back. Although I don’t agree with it I understand why she did, my wife had been through my phone and saw the site open so she knows I’ve been gambling again. She saw a text saying my credit card is near the limit, this is what prompted me to go talk to my parents. I broke down in front of them, I don’t want to be this person any more. My wife had said she is not contributing towards the household bills, in a way I understand this because in her eyes if I pay all of the bills I don’t have any money to gamble But This is where it gets worse, I found my debts (not my parents debt) increasing again my over draft was growing daily, I couldn’t deal with it I was losing control AGAIN ( I guess I didn’t actually regain control yet) I had to do a bank transfer from my credit card what has just been cleared, it set me off again, I now have a maxed out credit card again, I’ve lied to my parents I’m keeping secrets from my wife, I’m unpleasant to be around. I’m taking my emotions of gambling out on my loved ones, this disease is ruining my life.

I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging but I earn alot more than the average wage for where I live, I’m only 29 and I’m earning 65k + and have been for the past 3 years, is this what’s adding to my addiction always wanting more? I earn all of this money and have nothing to show for it. I’ve been told by several Friends I’m obsessed with money, my parents and wife have said the same, I’m never satisfied with what I’m earning. I am the youngest in my family but earn the most, I am so embarrassed with myself. My brother has often passed comments about money to me, I find the conversations awkward as he eats less than half what I earn yet I waste my money on gambling.

I have never gone into depth with my addiction like this, it mills around my head daily yet I don’t have anyone to talk to because no one I know fully understands this addiction.

I need to stop. 

I have read many stories on this group, we are all doing our best, we need to keep talking to each other and help each other overcome this disgusting disease. 

Any comments/ advice would be appreciated. I wish everyone the best in the future.

Let’s all stop lining the bookies pockets and look after ourselves, let’s pay out debts off, stop obsessing over the losses, move on and enjoy our lives without These grey clouds looming over us all of the time. 

Thankyou