Hi,
I'm Jay. I'm a 41 year old, married, father of 2. Although I may not be married much longer.
I've gambled since I was pretty much old enough. I used to mainly gamble a couple of pounds every week on the football and have a flutter on the Grand National, as well as buying the odd lottery ticket. No big deal, or so I thought.
7 years ago I got a job in a bookmakers and that is when my gambling addiction really took off. I could often spend hours alone in the shop, not seeing a single person and needed something to 'pass the time'. I'd often put bets on the horses so it gave me some interest in the night's action but my main vice was online slots. Enticed in by 'free spins' and 'deposit bonuses'. I would spend hours playing slots, sometimes winning, mostly losing and using my credit cards to top up my account to try and chase the losses. I maxed out my cards and had to take a couple of loans out, to try and reduce my monthly costs. I decided I needed to get out of the environment of a bookies and find another job, hoping this would help me overcome my 'little habit'.
It didn't. I carried on gambling, using my credit cards to pick up the slack on basic essentials I couldn't afford because I'd use all my money to gamble with. Cost of every day living continued to increase and soon enough I found myself unable to afford to repay my debts. I was getting paid at the end of the month and within a week my wages would be gone on repaying debts. That's when I realised I needed to stop. I self excluded myself from most of my online accounts to stop me from being able to gamble.
And now comes the worst part. I kept all of this from my wife of 16 years. She had no idea about any of it until the fixed term on the mortgage on our house was due to be renewed and I had to come clean. She's understandably devastated. I think she'll walk away from our marriage. Like I said, we have 2 children together and I would be devastated to not be a part of their life every day.
I know I've brought all this on myself and I don't want pity but I think I've officially got rock bottom.
Apologies for the long post
Hi
Sorry to hear that you are suffering.
Being in a job like that is not a very healthy decision and it puts more presssure on you.
By going to the recovery program I learned that how ever confused I was that Gambling was very unhealthy for me.
By going to the recovery program it helped me make much healthier choices.
By going to the recovery program I learned how to abstain from Gambling.
By going to the recovery program I learned how much pain I was causing my self and other.
By going to the recovery program I was able to abstain from gambling.
By going to the recovery program I was able to be less afraid and was able to become more productive with our time.
Just for today I do not want or need to gamble.
The very last thing I want to do with my life is gamble.
Sadly when I gamble I make things much worse in my life.
Dave L
There’s always a way back mate am not going to bore you with advice but once the gambling stops then the healing begins get whatever help you need to stay gambling free and life will soon get better
I was in your spot 4 months ago. It didn’t end well for me. My wife couldn’t get past the fact it hid it from her and we are now over. Worst day of my life on one hand, but it made me address my gambling. That doesn’t mean it will end this way for you. If you can prove to your wife that you are serious and are willing to do anything to beat this and mend things it may work. Show her everything. Bank statements, loans, credit reports, all the blocks. No secrets, not even the tiniest one. Sign up to GA, go to the doctor. Basically do everything you can. It will help you and hopefully help your relationship. The big question now is, if it does end, will you go back to gambling? It’s a safe space for us gamblers and so easy to get back to. This has to be your wake up call though. No matter the outcome of your relationship, this has to be it. You have to think that or are you really ready to quit?
Wishing you all the best. I completely understand how you are feeling now. Trust me, the shame, embarrassment, and pain does go away to an extent. The regret and despair for what you’ve done to your wife takes a little longer and may never go away.
Stay strong 💪
@qjadze2rxg Please, bore away. I came here for help and advice and will listen to each and every piece.
@p6z38njbqm I'm really sorry to hear about you and your wife. I'm desperately hoping I don't end up the same way, but I'm not convinced. She's already told me that she won't ever be able to trust me again, and what is a marriage without trust, hey?
I'm determined to prove to her that I want to fix this and I will do anything to do so. I've given her access to my online banking, which she has downloaded onto her phone, my credit file. I've even agreed to have my wages and bills be changed to go into her account and he gives me an 'allowance' to be able to get bits I need.
I'm absolutely ashamed of it all, my behaviour, the hurt I've caused but I'm absolutely done with gambling. I filled in a self exclusion form that will close down all and any accounts in my name and I'm looking to get some proper help. I have a debt management plan set up with Step change so that I can get rid of the debt.
Thanks for the kind words and the support though. Really appreciate it. What will be from here will be, as they say.
You’ve done everything you can now mate. You sound like you are in the same frame of mind that I was. I gambled my entire wages and bonus in one night. I had no attention of winning. It was purely to force me to come clean. I’ve never been more determined to quit than I was then and am now. It’s hard for a partner to understand how committed you are but I swear I’ve never looked back. Gambling an me are done. I’m with stepchange, I’ve done everything you’ve done. You’re in a good place. I really hope your partner can see this. The hidden truths are not intentional. We both know that, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t know if you are being honest about everything, she probably doubts your faithfulness, she is in shock. Get her some help too. I only lied about one thing in my relationship, money. I imagine you’re the same. I was so committed to my wife and this illness made me believe that hiding it was the best thing. How wrong could we be!
the important things is it’s out there now. The future is only half in your hands now. Your future is in your hands. Your relationship is in hers. I really hope she can understand that you didn’t do this on purpose. You had no other choice. This illness will destroy you unless it’s out there. If it stays in your head, you’re done. She knows now. It’s beatable, I just hope she can see that.
stay strong mate 💪
@gadaveuk Thanks for the kind words. Hopefully, with the right help, I'll get this mess sorted.
@p6z38njbqm Thank you mate. It's really helpful for me to find someone who jas experienced a similar situation to me and gets how I'm feeling.
I'm determined that I'm done with gambling. I just have to hope that when my wife gets over the shock of what I've done she can learn to understand that nothing I did was intentional. I'll jump through every hoop she puts in front of me if it means I get to have a shot at saving my marriage. Whether she allows that to happen is on her. I'll accept the decision either way.
The most important thing for me now is to focus on getting myself better, getting rid of my debt and rebuilding myself and my life.
We've got this. 💪🏾💪🏾
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