Just another story

So, I've lost a lot of money.

Pretty typical I assume of most people on these forums. Feels bad.

My story started when I was about 15. I played an online game (Runescape, for anyone who knows it/cares) for many years. One day, I bought some gold (the ingame currency) (which is against the rules of the game, but of course there's a black market for these things). This was the mistake that started the negative spiral. It was only maybe £10's worth - one whole months pocket money at the time. On this game you could 'stake' other players, essentially fight them using your character, whoever wins, wins the stake. It started off pretty innocent, I maybe spent £40 and was dissapointed, I stopped. Fast forward a year and I get my first job. £200 a month for 4 saturdays + any extra work. I was great with the money, eventually saving up about £5k. Bought a car, everything was great. I then broke my rule and started spending my works earnings on this 'staking' on the game. At first, it was just £20, then £40, then £60. All of which didn't really amount to anything - I had more than I could ever need for my age, no bills and no expenses other than additional clothes and stuff I wanted. It then turned into £500 lost, and I noticed it. I stopped, but within 3 months I was, for some odd reason, missing the money that I didn't even need. So, it started again, and before I knew it over the course of a few months I had lost almost all my money that I'd saved up, totalling about £3k. I stopped. I had no money coming in as I'd quit my job for uni and no chance of having any sort of loan/overdraft available to me, so it wasn't hard to stop - I didn't really have a choice. I then started uni. I'm lucky enough to have a fantastic family who can provide for me financially and elsewise, so when my parents gave me £300-400 every 5-6 weeks for uni expenses, I had money to burn. Eventually I was up at 5am having struggled to sleep, so decided to flick on the tv. Some late night tv roulette thing was on. I thought, hey, £10 won't hurt. Classic mistake. I wasn't even chasing my losses from pre-uni, it had taken me months but I'd come out the other end. That money was gone and because my parents hadn't quizzed me about where it had gone, the fact I wasn't covering up having no money had helped this. Anyway, £10 on. Loss. £10 on. Loss. I stopped, fearing I would get back into it. Too late. The next day, I was up £450 from playing online card games. The next 3 days consisted of losing £800. I was extremely fustrated - I had believed I could beat the casino. Another classic mistake. So in a 'f*** it' moment, I put another £700 onto my account. Maybe 15 minutes later, and after an extremely unlucky run playing roulette, it was gone. I wasn't even playing with my brain, I was just chasing losses, believing now was my time to win it all back - every goes up and down right? I look back and laugh at my foolishness. I was down a lot of money. All of my personal savings were gone, and the part of the money I had just lost that I actually needed was gone too. I realised I have a problem, so I enrolled on GamCares free personal session things. Bit of a trek to get to the place every week but I knew I needed to go. I went for 9 sessions, I guess it helped somewhat because I talked about it, but I didn't open up properly. Regardless, I stopped. I was back to normal, and the finances were pretty much sorted within a few months after "spending too much each month" - or so I told my parents. Fast forward to second year of uni. I got the itch. Played, lost £400 or so, I swore right there and then that this was going to infect me for the rest of my life if I didn't control myself. I stopped. Fast forward to third year, and the past few weeks. I had done a summer internship and earnt myself £1500. My dad knew this. I started the term and had recieved £300 for 6 weeks uni expenditure from my parents. It was at this point that my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me for another guy, and it hit me hard, and I'm still torn about it months on. I spent a lot, mostly on takeaways. Whenever I went out for nights out etc, I drank a lot. Spending £50 on a night out in a student club where pints are £2.50 is somewhat stupidly impressive. I'd spent the £300 within maybe 12 days. I instantly started using my summer placement money - currently the only savings I have. I was too ashamed to tell my parents I had blown the money away so quickly, which had gone quickly even for me. Surprisingly, this didn't stop my spending, and within a month I had spent £800 of my own money too. I was worried about my dad finding out, especially since he had asked if I still had the full amount, which of course I told him I did. I was worried about making that amount whole again, just incase he asked again. I tried saving the normal uni money - but my spending was still stupid and I wasn't successfully saving anything. I know if I had sorted myself out then my next relapse wouldn't of happened. It was then that a friend from the previously mentioned online game had popped up and asked to use my account to 'stake' (odds are most even when the account has maxed out stats, which mine had, I had spent about 5000 hours on the account over a 10 year period), and I had no trouble with this. Sharing accounts is also against the rules but I didn't mind if I got banned - it would of been one less trigger. Anyway, whilst he had my accounts password I had his. I would borrow his ingame bank and stake it, and of course, I'd lose it. I always bought it back for him and he'd be at no loss because of me. When my membership for the game ran out, I thought, why am I wasting money by buying gold from a black market trader and subsequently selling any profits back to him at a worse exchange rate. So I deposited £50 onto b****5 and started gambling. I lost £45 of this. It was the last £5 that I then turned into £100, then £200, then £500 and then £1000. It was my best win x amount ever. I instantly withdrew the money, knowing it takes a few days to clear. My uni friend who knows half of my story changed my password for me and so I knew I was ok. A lot of my stupid spending at uni had been covered by this and I felt great, I had just got some fantastic assignment grades, my finances were sorted, it was great. A few days later, and I'm thinking to myself that I need to be careful. I came to the conclusion that I should put my original £50 back on and when I lose it, I'd stop and ban myself. I knew I'd lose it but I thought by having the loss, at least a reduced one, would be better than randomly putting half my winnings on and losing it all. It didn't play out this way of course. I was playing baccarat and lost 10 in a row, they were £5 stakes. My £50 was gone. I should of banned myself from everywhere and been happy I was back in a good place. It annoyed me though, that I had lost 10 in a row. This doesn't happen to me, I thought. I'm the special case - obviously I was about to go on a massive win streak that defies the odds and obviously I needed to put on a bit more to land this amazing win streak I had convinced myself would happen. All of 2 hours later and the £1000 was gone. I didn't sleep that night, fustrated at myself and my own stupidity. The 2 hours had felt like 4 minutes and I hadn't even noticed that my mouth was dry, I needed the toilet and that my back was aching from not moving. Just stupidity exemplified. I thought, well, It's fustrating but I guess I didn't have this money a week ago, so it shouldn't bother me that it's gone. I thought I had believed myself, but I didn't it seems. I put £100 on a different website, and lost it (luckily the next day my bets were voided due to being one of the websites I had used previously and they'd realised my details were in use on a suspended account.) I put on £150 on a second website, convinced I had beaten the odds before so I could do it again. 20 minutes later, it was gone. I was angry at myself for falling victim to the downward spiral yet again. The next day, I was chasing my losses. £250 on, £250 gone. I knew what I was doing, but I kept believing that I didn't really care/need the money I was P*****g away. £250 more on. £250 more gone. I timed myself out for 24 hours. Didn't play for 2 days actually. I went back to it though, like everyone does. £200 on. £200 more gone. I'm now into my overdraft of one of my accounts - something I regret having. £250 more on. £250 more gone. I'm really angry at myself and worried about what I've done. Somehow, I convinced myself to put on £500. I thought, if I win some then thats great, but if I lose £50, then I'll just suspend my account as to at least prevent myself having access to the money to use elsewhere. I turned this into £550 then £850. I went down to £750 and I stopped. Went downstairs, got some water, knowing I needed to just have a break to think more clearly. A flatmates friend was round who I extremely dislike so to avoid them I came back upstairs. A costly mistake. In what felt like 2.4 seconds, the £750 was gone. I dislike that person even more for being there after that. As I'm writing this, I have about £130 to last me until christmas. My £1500 savings has been depleted to £0, which my dad is expecting to be the full amount. I'm -£750 into my overdraft, something I can't see myself clearing for a while. All of my previous savings are gone. I feel stupid. Rightly so. It's somewhat funny, depressingly funny more so. I'm extremely lucky to be in a position where this money leaving me is not life ruining, and compared to people who have lost houses, businesses, loved ones and so on, my story is insignificant. But everyone starts somewhere, and I know lying about certain parts of the story is only going to contribute to an eventual outcome similar to those who have lost a hell of a lot more than me.

I've only got a couple months left of uni, with extremely important, life changing, exams at the end. This means I won't/shouldn't have time for a part time job to pay off some of the overdraft, and frankly I think it could have a greater negative impact if I spent 15-30 hours a week working somewhere when I should be doing revision.

With Christmas coming up I won't be having any money coming my way from my parents as I'll be at home, so I can't take off a bit and contribute it to my overdraft payment (which luckily, since it's a student account, is a 3 years 0% interest one).

I plan on using any money from Christmas to go towards the overdraft. I'll then budget heavily in January/Feb and try and clear the rest of my overdraft off. As soon as it's back to £0, I'll probably shut it down. It's enabled me to gamble. I'll probably avoid getting anything like it for the rest of my life. The funny part is I didn't even want the overdraft when I was given it by the bank when I started uni.

I can't tell my parents. It's not so much the money loss (I'd probably leave out the loss of my earnings pre-uni), but the fact they have such high standards for me. Guess it's another tick on the failure chart. I can recover from this without telling them, so there's no need to aggrevate the situation in my opinion.

As I say, a few thousand pounds loss is not much compared to what a lot of people have lost, but with no source of income it feels like a hell of a lot more. Entirely my fault though.

I've never told anyone the true extent of my losses. I've always emphasised my wins which make it seem like overall i'm barely down at all. After tonight, I know I need to sort myself out. Even when writing this, I have £750 left available on my overdraft to take out, and the thoughts of winning it all back by using that money are in my head. What's another £750 on a few thousand £ loss anyway, right? It's amazing how decisions you know are bad can be construed in your own mind to only having positive outcomes. I won't do it anyway, I've already banned myself off the websites I was using.

I guess what's making me feel bad is a few things. Firstly, the fact that I've lost at something. Not necessarily the amount of money, just that I lost. Nobody likes losing. Secondly, being given money by parents for normal costs and wasting it elsewhere. Luckily I've never stolen to cover gambling costs, but this feels about as half as bad as what I imagine stealing would. Lastly, the fact that I've never been in a position where I lacked money and was bound by it. I know how that sounds - I am just your typical upper middle class kid who doesn't respect the value of money - not even going to try and deny it. I guess this whole thing is a life lesson being learnt.

Anyway, this post is long enough. Well done if you bothered to read it all. Nice to have told the full honest story though.

Sorry if this is in the wrong section or anything.