Just lost £1500

Hi Abigail,

From my experience, the early days of recovery are the easiest. When the mind is focused on stopping and the wounds are still open. Thoughts of gambling can be ignored. However the wounds do heal and the mind may change its focus, this can be called the end of the “honeymoon” period. In GA I was told this usually happens around the 2 month or 60 day mark and believe me it did. That’s when I knew recovery isn’t an easy ride, it is hard work. Two years on thoughts of gambling are far and few but I do get them and I believe I always will cos that is the addiction I have put to rest gently reminding me it is still there and given the chance it will control me.

Apart from my fellow members in GA only my wife knows of my addiction and recovery. Confining in her and coming clean and being honest about everything was the foundation to my recovery. “A clean slate” what more could I ask for after years of lies and deceipt. She deserved to know and also had to know. Now she keeps an every watchful eye on our accounts and money. A fantastic barrier in itself!

So keeping anything from a partner at this stage is bad and can lead to be a trigger back to gambling because in the height of addiction we were all great liers and many other nasties.

Good luck and all the best!

Hi

Having been on the receiving end of where a reluctance to tell a partner can end I would also advise full transparency. You have a golden opportunity to nip this in the bud. Don't be one of those posting in x year's time regretting not doing all it takes while the losses are still manageable.

Hi Abigail,

I just want to add some further weight to confessing.

It's hard and I've confessed on many an occassion - when caught out. This is usually around the time the money or access to credit has gone or is very close to having gone already as well.

April 2017 was the time I told everything and to a wider group of people. I actually wish I could spread that even further and one day I hope to but as it stands, It would compromise my job and so that side of my life doesn't know. There are times when having that secret still hangs over me and it increases the pressure even more to be open and transparent with those outside of work.

I have won and lost enough money to own the house we live in now outright. Without gambling, I could be mortgage free, in my late thirties.

Until April 2017 I always kept a bit hidden, a bank account, a credit card, a store card, something was unknown to others. At some point I always broke the seal. A scratchcard, a bookies visit, whatever and it was always a very low amount. Then the deceipt started again, the bending of the truth, avoiding direct answers and then progressing onto outright lies.

I am married with three young children and 311 days on, I don't honestly know if my marriage will survive, one day it is good, the following I'm looking for places to live and contemplating life without my children.

The money is hard for my wife to comprehend. She has a strong faith and doesn't agree with gambling - like your other half, she wouldn't even put 2p into a machine.

It is however, the lies, the deceipt and the hidden secrets that have caused far more damage. The legacy of these is what might still cause my marriage to fail, might cause my children to grow up with a broken household, might dilute finances across two properties which will impact the opportunities we can offer the children.

I remain devestated beyond words at my actions. I have started counselling again and I am also trying to understand what it means to live life again. I still have debt, a terrible credit record and multiple issues as a consequence of my actions. I've missed out on promotions at work through lack of focus, I'm overweight and unfit, my teeth are bad - I couldn't afford the dentist - because I was gambling.

I have a lot of hurdles to face, a roller coaster to still ride.

I also have hope. I have a life in front of me in which I can be a good father, I can support my wife, directly or indirectly and I can find enjoyment again. Maybe in a year or five years I can afford to rehouse the family, through hard work, sensible spending and openness and transparency with those around me.

I thought for fifteen years I wanted to be gamble free, I have long since stopped enjoying it, I just did it because I wanted out, I wanted to get back to zero. I convinced myself that as soon as I did that, or got close, that would be enough. I would just stop.

I had a big 'win', a life changing sum of money came my way, it was sat in my pending withdrawals and then it was gone.

It nearly killed me. very nearly.

In hindsight I'm glad. It showed me that the saying you see on here is so true, I cannot win because I cannot stop.

My addiction is so strong that I don't feel I will ever truly escape it but for the first time in twenty years I feel alive.

I am very proud to reach 311 days of total abstinence. One day at a time has built up. I don't post that often on here now but I do read posts every day or two.

My anger at the tactics of bookmakers is subsiding, frustration at the credit operators continual increasing of your credit limits is fading. My debt is reducing.

Two things I rely on to continue making these good choices.

a) I really really don't want to gamble ever again

b) I want to look at those I love and tell them that I have not gambled.

I really do wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do, I'm sorry for rambling about me on your thread but I wanted to share. I read stories like yours and I prey that you find a way to break the cycle. I've spent years convincing myself and others that I could control it, I spent fortunes on counselling then stopped because I had it beat. It was close to killing me and it's had a permanent impact on the lives of those I love. I cant change it, the money has gone, the lies have been told. I can and do however choose, every day to not live like that anymore.

Please reach out. Please don't follow the path, I and many many others have. Please listen to Lethe and don't be here in x years time being the one to write this post.

Once again, best wishes and I hope you make good choices from here on.

Dan

Hi,

I see red flags in your story, that all is not well in your life and the recently discovered compulsion to gamble is a symptom of that. It’s said that gambling is a disease (as is any addiction) and in the sense of of dis-ease, internal turmoil and discomfort, a lack of being at ease with yourself, it’s so. It seems to me that you’ve moved from escape via alcohol to escape via the on line slots. Therefore I don’t think it’s a question of trying harder or will power or don’t-do-it-again-dear. The standard help for any addiction is via Twelve Steps, AA if drinking is an issue and if you grew up around drinking, also Al-Anon, also possibly CoDA. I found the book, “Women who Love too Much” by Robin Norwood very revealing.

Echo previous advice to take it seriously and to do what’s needed for your own sake.

CW