Lacking Empathy since Stopping ?

Hi Andy, good to see you posting here again,

Having stopped for five years after gambling for twenty, I can understand what you are experiencing.

I think, if you spend so long where every single thought of your day is devoted to the trials and tribulations of a compulsive-gambling related lifestyle, it is difficult to re-adjust to thinking and feeling as someone else would.

It took me a while to experience this - part of it came from jealously of other people's lives whilst I was wallowing in debt; that can build into resentment and then you find yourself not having any empathy for others. It doesn't mean that you don't care, it means that you have spent so long putting yourself first emotionally and physically, you don't know how to empathize or feel.

Two things happened to me which put me on the road to feeling relatively normal again. One was where I was on holiday in the UK - there was a discrepancy with my wages where they were paid into the wrong account and I was effectively left with no holiday money - all I had was my hotel and a hot breakfast in the morning. I trudged the streets of this seaside from morning until night - I realized then that I was nothing to these people, I was no-one; back home, I could always count on someone for a hot meal or a bed for the night - here, no-one cared, and it made me appreciate those around me a whole lot more. I still go away on my own now - it gives me a chance to think and feel clearly, despite me giving up for so long; I throughly recommened it - everyone needs a chance to put things in order again mentally.

The other one was getting involved with charity work through a friend. Simple things like putting up a shelf for an elderly lady, or cooking a meal for some pensioners, or simply just being there for someone made me start to care again and think of others ahead of myself. I was like you, I didn't really think of anyone else for a long time, I just didn't feel anything, but once I started helping strangers, it gave me the happiness and fulfillment that gambling never could - I realized that you don't actually gain anything through gambling - there is no respect or achievement, there is nothing that it will ever add to your life.

You do care my friend, you probably care as much as you ever did, but you have forgotton how to care; I remember borrowing thousands and thousands off of elderly relatives, often contacting late at night for them to take me to cash machines - I didn't care at the time, all I cared about was that I could fuel my addiction. I didn't care for a time after - I was numb to things like that, and was for quite some time.

Now, it is different - I am so emotionally distant from compulsive gambling that it feels that those acts were committed by another person. I don't think or feel, or act like that obsessive, emotional, anxious, depressed, self-centred person anymore.

Maybe you are not quite there yet my friend - stopping since 2012 is an excellent achievement but I still had some emotional hurdles to jump before I could feel relatively normal again. Maybe you can use some shortcuts, like getting away somewhere remote as I said, or involving yourself in something where you have to put others first.

However you feel, nothing is worse than what you went through, and how you felt when you were losing everything my friend. A lot of people ask me "how long" - "how long until you start feeling this, that and the other - it varies for everyone, everyone has diferent levels, backgrounds and amounts of regret.

The one thing is that, if you carry on this path, I would be extremely surprised if you didn't feel more empathy in the months and years to come - hang in there; you are doing extremely well and you should be proud of yourself.

JamesP

Thank you James for your well thought out reply.

Sometimes I feel happy and have good friends here in Dublin but I am still alone, thousands of miles away from home in a strange (but lovely) country. I still feel I ran away from those I hurt. I have made amends financially but not emotionally. Sometimes I see friends on Facebook and see they are online and could easily text them but am afraid to do it ?

As regards your suggestion of getting away on my own for a while, I have booked and paid for 14 nights on an Icebreaker ship, which keeps shipping lanes open in the Antartic. They only have 6 passenger cabins available and I leave in October so it should be interesting !

Since stopping gambling I think a lot, maybe too much but hopefully I will get back to being me even if I have to go the long way !

Thanks for more food for thought !

Andy

Hi AndyM,

Welcome to the forum. Well done for overcoming your gambling addiction, and thanks for sharing your post gambling free concerns here.

It is good that you recognise your own feelings as regards to people in very emotionally painful situation; which doesn’t seem normal to you, and wanting to do something about it.

It seems like your mind has found its own way of replacing your gambling addiction with lack of empathy for significant others. People who have gone through gambling problems, tough and devastating experiences are mostly empathic and sympathetic to those in emotionally and physically difficult situations like the ones you mentioned above.

For some strange reason, the opposite has happened for you, and I think it’s worth exploring it for a better understanding of yourself. I think your case is a complex one, and it is difficult to understand the reason why that happened to you. It might be probably due to some psychological reasons which as you say doesn’t sit well with you.

I also see a lot of sense and reasons with the response from JamesP.

Perhaps you might like to explore this underlying issue further with one of our addiction counsellors. The counsellor will work with you to explore the implicit reason/s; why you’re experiencing this lack of empathy for others in such situation, as the explicit reason doesn’t seemed to be enough.

My advice for you is to try and call our free phone Helpline on 0808 8020 133 and request for counselling. We can offer you 12 sessions of free counselling if you’ll commit to once a week for 50minutes, and at a place closest to where you live.

Also, we’re open every day from 8.00am to 12midnight, so there’s plenty of time if you want to get in contact with us. My best wishes to you in your efforts to try and sort out this problem.

Please keep reading from here, and try and post as often as you can.

Regards,

Beatrice