I am 25 days gamble free. My wife has been far more supportive of me than I expected her to be and she probably should have been throughout and I appreciate that greatly. Tonight I voiced an opinion that led to a discussion, that ultimately led to an argument that may have destroyed all that support. Why am I such an idiot?
A little background for those who may not know, I had a gambling addiction for 7 years and hid it from my wife. I was forced to finally come clean and it absolutely crushed her, but almost a month down the line she's given me all the support she is able to, given how difficult this has been for her too.
My wife is, understandably, in a few groups for people who have loved ones who suffer from gambling. Now, my honest opinion of those kinds of groups is that there will be more negative accounts on there than positive and that unfairly skews the field somewhat, but given what I've done to her, what does my opinion on that really matter? One thing she's mentioned a couple of times when we've had discussions are the number of people who relapse into gambling, despite getting help. I formed the opinion in my head that she had basically decided I would gamble again, regardless of how long I stay gamble free.
For the record, I am adamant that I am done with gambling for good. I've hit my rock bottom, I've seen the very worst this addiction can cause and I'm absolutely done. I don't want to ever cause hurt like this again and I have no intention of ever doing so. I'm not naive, I know urges could happen eventually, that I may some day be in a position where I will have to make a choice whether I want to gamble or not and, at this point in my life, I am determined that will never happen again.
Today I tentatively broached the opinion that I didn't like the fact that she seemed to be insinuating that I WILL gamble again, rather than I could. She has a degree in psychology and pointed out numerous times during our discussion that she undertands the cognitive science behind addiction more than me, even though I pointed out that I'm actually the addict. As it stands, such is my determination that neither will happen, I discarded the fact that the later COULD actually happen. I made the point that when I'm 5/10/15 years down the line, it's unfair that she could she still be of the opinion that I could relapse and go back to gambling, even if the possibility is still there. Understandably she didn't take that opinion too well, and why should she, after all, she's the one that's been hurt. I also suggested that if 5/10 years down the line I've still not gambled there should be a level of trust restored, to which she said there would be a level of new trust and not the old one, which I had effectively destroyed.
I know people may read this and think I've been stupid, I've been unreasonable and, believe me, if that's what you think, I want you to tell me so, but it's something I felt I had to say, rightly or wrongly.
She's stormed off to bed declaring she'd reached her limit and that she "was done with this all" and "If I didn't like her opinion then I know where the door is". I'm now worried that my ridiculous wounded ego has ruined the strongest support system I never should have had. I love this woman with all my heart but I'm worried I've pushed her firmly away for now. Can I put this right? Am I able to salvage this?
Apologies for the long post, but I'm currently emotional and desperate.
I can't really comment on the argument but all I can say is that you have done 25 days she is preparing for a relapse and on are road to recovery it happens and being open and honest about it is best. Yes I know people who have quit and not gone back but like much of my past gambling life I wouldn't want to know the percentage or odds and chances of quitting ting first time.
Perspective and character defects are ones we can work on to help improve our selves away from gambling and being a better person.
Just for today I will not gamble and accept this road to recovery is life long.
Dave101
I think it's only natural for her to be concerned. She obviously cares about you deeply and the 7 years of deception has impacted her massively. She is sticking by you and if I were you I would be doing everything in my power to show her I could make that up to her. If that means giving up a game, then so be it. Trust lost over 7 years, takes a while to return and unfortunately you will have to earn that the hard way.
Gambling has the potential to ruin both of your life's and she is clearly scared of that happening. She wants to help and she thinks that giving up everything related to gambling is the way forward. You may not feel this way, but you're the one fighting to beat this, and to keep her. It's a fine balance, and unfortunately for you, it must sway in her favour if she is to provide you with support. It could also be worth sharing however that anything that occupies your mind is a positive thing so maybe having something like this is useful in your recovery.
Congrats on doing so well so far. It's great you have the support of a loved one. Don't lose it over something trivial!
Stay strong 👍
In all honesty completely 100% agree with your wife taking the woe me line doesn't cut it and the arrogance of saying to the only person who really cares that most of the help sites that your wife takes solace and support from for a very good reason is 75% negative isn't in the real world to you it isn't but to your wife it might be her l only lifeline and support she has. hard hitting but true
Hi,
As someone who has been in a relationship with a gambling addict, I encourage you to consider things from her perspective. You might be right that this time is different and it won't happen again, but it's crucial to be mindful of her experience. Think about how many times you've told her it would be the last time, only for her to trust you again or potentially she wasn’t aware through out your relationship and when you told her it broke her trust. When someone is in the position of supporting a partner through these times, their mindset can start to shift, even unintentionally. After everything that has happened, she is likely to be cautious. It’s not that she doubts you but I guess cautious for different journeys that can be taken during recovery.
Trust takes time to build, and based on my own experience, I can tell you that trust isn’t always the same once it’s been broken. It can be rebuilt, but often in a different way. I'm not sure how long you two have been together, but if she’s had her trust broken repeatedly during the relationship, it’s understandable that she would be cautious.
However, if you continue on a positive path, it’s possible that your trust could grow in a new way, potentially even stronger than it was before. You both have your own opinions and viewpoints, and that doesn't mean either of you are wrong. Instead of becoming defensive or upset with her, you could use her concerns as an opportunity to reassure her and rebuild that trust. I understand this is hard for you, but it's also incredibly challenging for a partner as they navigates this journey alongside you.
Thanks to all of you for your replies and input.
After my wife had gone to bed, I took the time to reflect on the conversation and argument and realised that, actually, I had been the one completely out of order and, even though as was pointed out above we both may have an opinion that we believe is right, she's the one arguably suffering the most in the situation. First thing next morning I went and apologised to her for everything I had said and the way I had acted. She seems to have accepted it and we had another discussion later in the day in which she told me that she thinks I'm doing brilliant, which I massively appreciated.
I may not severed my support this time but I'm very aware that another outburst like that from me will. This is still very new for the both of us but, ultimately, it is her that is arguably bearing the brunt of the situation currently.
Thanks again all for reading and the support.
@g4pv3yauqm. I read your post and can see both of your points.
You have the lived experience and only you know your thoughts and depth of resolve againsts gambling.
She has had to process accepting that her other half has had a hidden addiction that has directly affected her life and trust. She has had to make sense of this herself and frame it in the way she knows how.
She has been supportive. There maybe gaps in her understanding and compassion and her emotions may come out in different ways.
The fact is that we are the gamblers who have the issue. There is no set correct response for those around us.
I'm my experience putting your ego to the side and giving a genuine apology for the situation that you have contributed to goes a long way. No. 'ifs' no 'buts' just 'I am sorry'
Hi
People who not understand addictions obsessions or recovery will say just stop.
If it was only that easy.
I use to fear being honest to my wife because I feared her leaving me.
Once I was able to abstain my wife said it was my lies that hurt her.
She told me my lies were a bertrayal.
I use to fear being honest.
I use to fear openeing my self up emotionally.
The simple truth today just for today only I will not gamble.
Clean time can not be lost.
If I gambled I went to more meetings.
There was no way I wanted to be honest about my last bet.
Yet in time I knew that the only way I would abstain from my unhealthy habits was going to meetings.
The simple truth I got to understand I could not recover on my own.
The simple truth the like minded people in the recovery program would help me help my self.
Healing love and peace.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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