Apologies for my long sad story!
Hello everyone,
After working hard for past 7 years and saving reasonably every month I had build around savings of 17k for emergency use. I am 32 and started working at 22. I always believed in keeping emergency money and advocated the same to my wife. Until last October, I only been to a casino three times - Atlantic City, Singapore, and Las Vegas. I was an intern when I went to Atlantic city and earn very little. Therefore, I did not gamble even a $. In Singapore, I went to see an award show but got bored and walked to the next door casino and sat at a roulette table. Playing only outside bets, I turned $300 to $2100. I tried to call my girlfriend in the UK to tell me to go home but I did not get through. Therefore, I decided to go after waiting for the dealer I won with to return and to hand her $500. Before she returned, I had lost $2100 and around $1100 of my own money. I never gambled again until we went to Vegas two years ago. My partner and I put aside a fixed amount for the casino and I left all of our cards back in the hotel. We returned with 100$ less after playing for hours. This was in 2014.
Last year in September, I decided to bet on a premier leauge game. I lost the bet. But, while going through the BV website, my mind asked me to see if something like online roulette exists. To my worst fate, it did and it was unusally easy. On a weekend, feeling a bit bored, i decided to spin a 100GBP and they turned into 1200GBP in a few hours. By the next weekend, I reached up to 2700GBP and I thought of stopping at 3000. By Monday, I had lost 3000 of my own. I felt extremely unhappy and frustrated. I decided to never gamble again but I now knew I can gamble on my phone with nobody knowing.
Around October I again saw ads of b*****r and bored at work, I opened an account with them. 25 turned into 750. Within next two weeks, 750 became 2000 and my betting from being controlled (looking out for series of R/B/O/E/H/L) became crazy (1:3, betting on one number, tripling/qudarupling after a loss). Everytime i had a tiff with Mrs, I turned to gambling. One day when we were having a cold war for a few hours, 2000 became -5000. I had lost 8000 within two months.
I decided not to play. I did not play for 2 weeks when my mind told me I have only lost because I have lost control and I have been playing for long hours. If I play in a controlled manner, I can do it. 100/day for two months and I am home. I started with small amounts 100, 250, 500, 725 and lost them all. I blamed my losses on frequently depositing smaller amounts that are no good for the absouletly horrible, easily embedded in everyone brain Martingale strategy. I had lost another 2000 by now. My deposit (eating my emergency fund) grew and I controlled my betting (betting only when there is a series, not betting more than double (max 200)). My 1700 became 9200. I was extremely happy, over the moon, and was planning how I am going to come clean to my Mrs and my family. I even had a dream on Friday that I lost all my money on Saturday. I told myself I will not play on Saturday but I did. 9200 became 0 in an hour. I cried but cried no tears. I could feel my body became warm and my ears burn
Somwhere I even took out a loan of 5000 from my bank but returned 2000 back. I still have 3000 to pay back that I can/I will from my monthly salary.
From my work, I had delayed a reimbursement for 4000 that I was due but finally filed for it swearing to not play it. But, I did in last few weeks. I used it to build back to 10,000 and even withdrawan 7000 back to my account. With 3000 left in the casino account, I became cocky and careless. Despite telling myself it is a bad idea and I should leave. I did not, betted random and lost the 3000 and deposited 7000 back to lose them. My bank account now shows 0 and it kills me everytime I think about it.
I lost my spirit to fight, rang my wife at her work, drove to her and cried in her lap. She has been extremely supportive and for last 48 hours have been telling me to forget it and move on. I am unable to. I feel I have let everyone down especially my parents who have worked their whole life to ensure their son never walk off the line and become successful. After staying on course, I have derailed in a few months. I feel miserable.
Most importantly, I feel frustrated because
1. I am a highly educated, working individual who knew all the hell gambling brings but I still got sucked in.
2. For every win and before every chase, I knew I will lose if I did not stop or if I played. And, yet I did it again and again.
3. Everytime I lost my money chasing losses but in a spectacularly stupid fashion. My bets made no sense. I was betting 2000 on R/B. Won it 1 time (told myself do not do it ever again but did it).
4. That money was hard work and it will not build back overnight.
5. What will I do when the emergency comes? I have peed over my plans, principals, and ideas I advocated to others.
The reason I have joined this forum is to get some sense talked in me. I am now trying to convince my wife to oversee while I play once a day to make 100/day. I am telling her I will only play under her supervision. But, she does not agree it is a good idea. I also agree it is not a good idea but this mind, this something inside is tightening the screw. Are there really no winning stories from roulette? There are yotube videos where people are winning 10000s. Why can I not be the same to just get my savings back? Greed of winning more than 100/day has ruined me. I feel like if my wife supervise me to stay in a 100/day, I can turn it around.
So, this is me today. I still have a job. My wife knows but my parents do not. Despite being beaten to bits, I still feel if I stop on time, ride the highs, and leave, I can get some of it back. I know its a bad idea and I want it to stop. Please help if you can.
Regards
K
U seem to have got lucky a number of times on roulette and built up some money. With the money going up comes the confidence with it and the inevitable loss at the end. You will allways innevitably lose in the end. Get back to your saving days my friend then you will be garua nteed to win
​
Hi Adam,
Yes, those lucky streaks have destroyed me. I need to stop thinking about them.
Hi Torn soldier . I have read your post and you seem to be glossing over the main issue . You want to stop gambling because you have been losing . I am afraid if you are true to yourself you will find that you can never win . No win is big enough no loss is low enough . This is destructive and it has gone far beyond money . Yes , it’s inportant to realise that the addiction you have is draining your money but it’s far greater than that . You need to read some diaries on here and other posts . You need to accept that gambling isn’t an option and this idea of 100 a day supervised is destined to fail . Does your wife understand the power of this addiction ? Do you ? Ths is serious but you can definitely beat it if you are willing to . I wish you luck and you need to ask yourself some probing questions before you decide if you want to carry on with your chaotic life or decide to finally stop this
You can do this. Just that you can even remember the entire way the gambling played out over the years says that you still have your head about you. Some us(myself) can not remember all the details after 10 more years have gone by. Much empowerment to you as you do what you need to do to choose not to gamble and to get on with life and love. take care, tara2
Hi Bryan, Tara,
Yes! It is a bad idea. I know it will end up creating a rift between my wife and me when she stops me either when I am losing or winning. Today is my first GF day. I feel a bit better. Reading the post from you and Tara is encouraging. I am back at my work and will try to keep myself super engaged.
The only problem is the wins/highs that i had keep knocking in my head to try again. This morning I almost thought of using my credit card to gamble but that will break my promise I made to my wife.
Hope i get better. Need to wait for payday to see some life in my account.
Thanks for your support
K
tornsoldier,
Can I suggest that, before payday rolls around, that you get some actual blocks in place to prevent you from gambling (self exclusing, blocking software etc.). You're already having urges to gamble and these will get a lot stronger when you know you have money back in your account.
Promises, good intentions and will power are all positive but they won't cut the mustard when faced with a genuine gambling addiction. Take action now to prevent further damage otherwise the next losses may not just be financial.
All the best
Phil
Hi Phil,
That's a very valid point. I have already self excluded myself from the sites that ruined me. But, this blocking software idea sounds good. I will do that this evening.
Thanks
K
Tornsoldier
Sorry to hear about your financial losses. But if you keep on this path, you will lose far more, your confidence, self esteem, respect and possibly your job, home and wife. There are many people on here who have lost everything, so it is not an exaggeration telling you what you stand to lose.
I am telling you as someone who knows all too well about roulette, there are no systems and you can never possibly win. 37 numbers on the wheel but a winning number pays 35/1. Red/black, odd/even etc, is not a 50/50 bet as the zero wipes that bet out. Roulette is guaranteed to beat you.
As tough as it is, you must accept the losses, and look forward, it's gone and trying to win it back is simply not an option, things will get much worse for you, if you try crazy things like that. As for carrying on playing supervised by your wife, that is madness and you need to forget it. The advice is on this forum, you have already done the hardest part (my opinion) by telling your wife about your gambling problem and she has stood by you. Hand over all your credit/debit cards to her to control the finances and let her see your credit file so she knows you are not taking out loans secretly to gamble with. It's what I and many others on here have done, as I know my willpower alone is not enough to stop me gambling.
You mentioned being tempted to use your credit card to gamble with, thats what I did and now I have £30k of credit card debt. and a terrible credit rating. Things can get much worse for you.
Finally, do not be fooled by the stories/videos of people winning on roulette, gamblers love to talk of their great wins but rarely mention the losses.
All the best
Tornsoldier,
If you have read your opening post, I advise reading it again.
Why would you want to bet again? The £100 pound a day, if successful or not will then become £200 or more. Greed my friend and uncontrolled gambling.
Have you let the wife read your post? I’d advise you do. You sound like you still have a good life, without gambling it will be better, and you will become a better person.
Most CG’s on here have kid theirselves they’re in control. Some Saturday mornings I’d start with small stakes, by the afternoon they’d be larger. By Sunday night I’d have smashed and ruined another weekend, ready for the big chase of losses to begin Monday, effecting my life, my family and job.
When you’ve realised you can’t bet or gamble again, thinking some stupid £100 a day scheme will work out for the best, then please post and you’ll get plenty of support from the people on here.
Sorry if I sound harsh. Wishing you all the best.
Hi Shep72,
Thank you for your direct words. I do not want to gamble but was rather sharing what my mind is trying to trap me in again. More than the losses, the highs are driving me mad. How stupid I can be to not exit? And, I understand I will not be able to stop. If I could, I would have done it already.
I will stay clear. Hopefully, I will forget soon
Hi Greenflash,
I do not call myself a roulette expert but was speaking more of my experience or what I think. With the online casino, i always seemed to win during the weeks and lose over the weekends. My first crazy bet (500 or above) would always win but any subsequent one will not (I will end up losing 500x2). It almost feels like if the online casino studies every player and decides the outcome.
THanks for your wise words.
Tornsoldier,
The lows of gambling will always out weigh highs. The compulsion of gambling apart from having/wanting to bet again and the feel of having to chase losses, also fills our mind with lies, excuses, deceit.
Lies, excuses and deceit three things a CG is good at.
Your gambling journey is relitively short, but has the foundations of disaster. I still have gambling thoughts, very far a few between nowadays, they do slowly subside. However due to the person I am and my past history I believe I can’t control these, however I can and must control my actions.
Your mind is still active regarding gambling again. If you want to gamble again you will.
I’ve seen many people in two years come to GA on the back of recent losses, do their first meeting never to be seen again. Why? Because they think they can stop themselves or go back to gambling in a controlled manner. CG’s cannot do this!
In the early days of my recovery I used to think if I hadn’t chased any losses, say I had taken a rest for 24hr or 1 week after a heavy loss I wouldn’t have been in the mess I was two years ago. Through my recovery with GA I’ve learned I’m only kidding myself. I didn’t stop for an hour after a heavy loss I was planning my next bet. I didn’t stop because I couldn’t. I know realise I can’t even buy a scratch card or lotto ticket anymore. Do I care? Not even in the slightest. I never want to gamble again.
Get barriers in place to stop you gambling again, no matter how good your dreamt up scheme is or what day of the week! Be 100% open with your partner, she will get hurt if you don’t.
All the best.
Hi Tornsoldier
I do understand what you are saying, I'm not entirely convinced the online casino and fbot's are random like a roulette wheel in a casino. Ultimately, the online casinos, bookies, arcades and casinos are there to make money and they always have the edge over the punter/gambler. Us gamblers know this deep down, but we go back thinking this is going to be my lucky day, I'm gonna win big etc. Unfortunately the reality is we will lose even if we win big 1 day, because if we have a big win we simply carry on the following hours or even days, thinking we are on a lucky streak, but the big sting is always just around the corner.
I can clearly remember all my big wins as they were so rare, but can't remember all my losses as there are so many. As you say, you are a well educated, intelligent man but gambling, drink, drug addictions etc do not discriminate, they will destroy people from all walks of life. Talk to your wife about this and together work out a real plan to stop you losing your hard earned money. Put blocks in place and follow the advice on this site.
All the best and keep posting.
Had a really "not-needed" argument with the Mrs for a trivial thing. We both are very egoisitic. And, my instant feeling was to think about betting. I realised that's what i have done in the past just to deviate my mind. Luckily, i have self excluded myself from almost all websites and trying to concentrate on work now
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
