Mother of gambler

There is support here for those who have gambling addictions and the family and friends of someone suffering from gambling addiction so you are in the right place! 🙂

Hey emotional wreck,

This is a good place to be. Perhaps you could share your situation with us in a little more detail. No one here will be judgemental of what's going on

Hi EW, sorry to hear how much you are hurting & yes, this is one site for anyone affected by problem gambling.

The helpline has advisors who can give you guidance but the best advice I have for you is to find a GamAnon meeting & get yourself there. These are meetings for people affected by gambling & you will meet other people who have walked in your shoes & can not only give you advice but will offer you real life support as you learn how to cope with this. Unfortunately, you can’t fix your gambler as is your want but you can learn the best ways to protect yourself & figure out some management strategies, especially if they are still under your roof.

It will sound crazy but you need to look after you - ODAAT

Hi, I am the mother of a gambler and am at the end of my tether - I really don't know what to do, it easy for people on the outside to tell me to walk away and disown him but as his mother I can not do this but it is really making me ill now having to deal with all the fall out over all the things that he has done. Any other mothers on here going through this

Hi EW and Helpless. As Odaat says a gamanon meeting is the best place to really learn. I'm wife of compulsive gambler and there are more parents in my meeting than partners. You don't have to disown anyone, but you do have to learn how to deal with the gambler. Bailing them out, giving them money and lying for them won't help. Gambling feeds on secrets and lies. Clearing debts sets them free to start over again. You both don't say what is happening so I don't know what you need to help you. The main thing is safeguard your money. if you go to family & friends section, start new topics you will get more feedback. Tell your stories and we can answer your questions. Definitely call gamcare as well for advice. Please keep posting, it will help.

I thought that my son had stopped few years back he stole lots of stuff from his brothers and myself his brothers have not gotten over it and have not spoke to him since, I helped it at the time and really thought it was all behind us, he had a girlfriend of 2 years and I have just found out that she gave him all her details for online banking and her bank account, he has wiped out all her account and taken a 5000 loan in her name - because she willing gave over all her details she cannot say it is fraud and let him take the consequences but her family have now been ringing me up constantly because they want her money back. I feel like I cannot not pay her her money because although our family has been wrecked I do not want her family wrecked they do not have money to replace and it will destroy theirs lives as well so I really dont know what to do as I do not want to make this easy for him I am not coping very well with all this. I have no one to turn to because everyone didnt want me to give him another chance after last time.

Helpless,

Not a helpful label for you. Indicates being a victim at the mercy of what everyone else does to you with no control of your own. The reality is that you do have choices as to what you do or don’t do, whether you do or don’t start regular meetings as advised, whether you do or don’t set boundaries about what behaviour you will or won’t accept. Because if there are no boundaries, as you are finding, anything goes. You’re powerless over what your son does and what everyone else does but not helpless at all over the question of how you live your life and who controls what you do.

The starting point is to determine who is responsible for what. Because the result of all involved here taking ownership of each other’s issues is chaos. Your son gambled, tricked his gf (who undoubtedly has her own issues) and stole. Why do you have to make restitution for that? Surely your son’s an adult, let him bear adult responsibility. His gf handed over her bank details, not sensible, it’s not for her family to harass you.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. The starting point is to change you, to get the help and support that you need to deal with your situation. Try GamAnon and CoDA

Hi helpless, this is not your fault. As you say she willingly gave her details. She needs help too. He has to pay it back not you. That's her mistake not yours. We have to take ownership of what we've done. Her parents are blaming you, not him. He is the cause, he is an addict. He needs to admit his problem. He needs to seek help for himself. It's hard but that's the reality. It's tough I am 18 years married to a compulsive gambler and I've found out all the lies and secrets at different times from his parents. It's tough to hear but it is not their fault he's a gambler. But they did lie. I would never expect them to repay anything. I chose this road. For things to change you have to stop paying his debt. I would talk to the girlfriend get her to call gamcare. You all need help and support and to learn about addiction. What is your son doing about all of this? He has to take responsibility for his theft. The best thing you can do is go to a meeting, call gamcare. Get some support but do not pay his debt. Yes it's all very sad and everyone wants someone to pay but that doesn't help. Stop taking on his problems, they're his. You can encourage him to get help but you can't fix him. Maybe help him manage his money, set up repayments to the girlfriend. There is a point in life where we become adults and stop expecting our parents to sort out our mistakes. Both your son and his girlfriend got into this mess. It's a hard lesson but if you help him it will continue.

Hi

It's all to easy for us to get consumed by the CG's problems but as every mess they make is cleared up for them they get further and further from connecting action and consequence. Your son stole the money and took out the fraudulent loan. It's for him to figure out a solution and her family need to be very clear on that. You are not responsible for his actions but you are responsible for your own response to them. Sometimes leaving a CG to get on with it is the kindest thing for them long term.

I understand what everyone is saying but I am helping so he keeps his job so he can pay this amount back, he is promising that he wants help and has agreed that he will give me all his wages each month so I can pay back the money he has stolen from them but i was gulliable before in believing that this would never happen again and now it has can he really recover from being an addict. Last time this happened with family I told him to go and he was actually homeless for a while riding on night buses and sleeping in airport - he came back for help and I supported him last time but really don't know how to handle it this time. He is home tomorrow because he now has a job where he works abroad which he took after last time I really thought he was making something of himself now I am waiting in fear as if this is just the tip of the iceberg and maybe there is lots more to come that I dont know yet. I have spoken to gamcare advisors and they are sorting out some meetings for me just good it get on here and talk to people that dont know us and judge

The reason I feel guilty is because I didnt tell her anything about what happened with him in the past because I realy thought it was beind us he had a good job earning good money and then meet her years after the first incident. She had no idea he had previous problem. She loved him and thought they were saving for their future together and trusted him with her money maybe if I had said something in the first place this would not of happened

There’s a saying about the road to hell being paved with good intentions?

He awasn’t honest about his past. You can take responsibility for not telling her (or making sure that he did - he’s the one supposedly committed to her) but you didn’t steal from her.

It’s well established amongst friends and family with growing recovery that financial help for a gambler or any means of cushioning the gambler from the financial or emotional consequences of the gambling simply perpetuate the cycle. Most f&f have bailed out and cushioned until reaching the point of not being able to stand it.

The best help for him is to encourage him to help himself, to go to GA, to contact his creditors himself, to arrange counselling for himself, to arrange blocks and barriers for himself.

The help for you can be found via GamAnon or CoDA, via GamCare and these forums but it’s up to you to take it.

Look after you.

CW

I'm the mum of a problem gambler and I know the hell you're going through. The fear of what might happen next is horrible. Our gambler - son in his twenties- has had two major "sprees" which have left us anxious, angry and every emotion in between. I also understand the shame you're probably feeling too - although it's not your fault you feel as though it is somehow. I can't offer much advice as we're still finding our way too but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Take care x

Hi helpless an addict is always an addict. It will never go away. He has to take ownership and actively seek help, not just promise. See action, talk is cheap. If he sees you sorting the mess he's made he'll never learn how to do it for himself. You are enabling him. Being homeless didn't stop him. Set boundaries and stick to them. This is forever.