My first post

Hi,

Thanks for taking time to read this.  

I've been gambling since mid 2017, and it exploded into real-life at new year when my wife and family discovered the extent of my associated debts.  

This has led to a great deal of pain and my leaving the family home, and my young children.

The pain I feel is indescribable - the pain of knowing what I did, the guilt, the repercussions for all the people involved, regret, sadness, shame, fear.  All of those are self-centered but I'm getting help with the debts and to deal with the obvious anxiety and depression that I've kept hidden under the surface for a number of years - likely before this even started.

I gambled a couple of time many years ago, and stopped as quickly as I began, perhaps over 3 days and a half dozen bets.   I think I probably lost some money and knew that it was a stupid and needless thing to do.   Then, in 2017, due to personal circumstances I started again and quickly became addicted (I think I can say that now) and every time I placed a bet I told myself if it lost it would be the last.

Things snowballed and so did debts: credit cards, loans.  So too did the lies, to myself and family.  Before I knew it things had gotten so bad that I almost told myself that one more bet wouldnt make it any worse - I was probably on a self destructive path.

What I didnt think of was those around me, or I did but almost lived my life like it was someone elses body and life.

I'm getting help with the debts and trying to get my life back on track.  It's one of a number of issues I  need to resolve, but I dont feel any urge to gamble - maybe thats not having the opportunity (read cash) or finally an understand of the harm it is/was causing.    I hope the latter.

I've attended a few GA meetings, and had alot of chats on helplines.

I hope I can continue to recover my life.

Thanks for listening.