Hi all,
First time posting on here.
I first started gambling about 5 years ago, the first two years was on and off. The next three years was fully on. Because of my addicition I have lost every penny to my name and have being left with a debt totalling £25,000. This debt is owed to 16 different creditors, 15 of them are payday lenders and the 16th is a banking personal loan.
My addicition was always online, I was never one to visit casinos, bet in shops or on machines. I would always bet online on sports, most of the time it was on either football, tennis or horse racing. Although it didn't matter which sports I betted on, I could have been betting on a basketball or baseball game at 22:00 at night, I could have been betting on a beach volleyball or badminton match at 06:00 in the morning, as long as I was betting on something, anything for a chance to win my losses back was all that mattered.
Desperate to win my losses back I would gamble at every available opportunity I had, everyday, every night, at work, at home, whilst driving, whilst visiting my family, whilst being away with my family, until the early hours of the morning. Looking back now it seems pathetic, all that time wasted and for nothing. The time lost hurts more than any amount of money lost does. Money can be earned and money can start to be replaced but time can't, time can never be replaced. Time is precious and time is priceless.
Once all of my thousands upon thousands of savings had been spent, I then turned to payday loans to fund my addiction. Getting a loan was easy, too easy for an addict. Whether it was £100 or £1000 at a time, the money was never used to pay for bills or family trips, the sole purpose was for gambling. Even getting a loan felt like a buzz as it ties together well for a gambling addict, being approved for a loan and receiving the money felt like a win as I knew I could then go online and continue gambling.
Once the first loan was lost to gambling, I would apply for another loan and another and another. Even when my monthly repayments exceeded my monthly wage I would still continue to search for another loan. My delusional mind would always believe that the next loan would be my saviour, I'd somehow go onto winning all my money back and clear my debts. In a bid of desperation I even pawned my electircal gadgets to raise a bit of money to gamble with, no regards that these gadgets were bought as gifts by family for Christmas presents. Looking back now I feel nothing but shame and disgust for doing this but at the time all I could think of was money for gambling. No sentiment for the gifts, just money for the gifts. Pathetic and disgusting I know.
On Saturday 4th August my lie finally became my families reality as my secret addiction was finally exposed. So here we go, facing up to my addiciton, my debt and hurt I have caused to my family. I am now taking my first steps along the long road of recovery.
Thanks for reading and take care.
Ry
Hi Ry
Welcome to the forum and believe me you are finally in the right place.
It will take some time to sink in how complex this addiction can be. It drives us on a core level and its far deeper than just being silly or greedy for money. Once hooked or addicted it is one of the most dangerous addictions out there as you have seen.
You can recover and it takes a born again moment of complete honesty and openness going forward. Its actually a good thing that your secret is out although it may not seem that way in the early stages.
You must reach out for all the help combined with a new pride in putting strong exclusions and blocks on. Putting it simply that is what gambling does to people and in that way you can be thankful that you are facing the problem now.
You have to face it and do the exercises of trying to explain a gambling session to a close family member. You will not be able to rationalise any of it because to a non gambler its like a story about being abducted by aliens. Thats a good thing though because although gambling seemed to make a crazy sense to us when we were doing it, its actually an illness and closely related to substance abuse.
When you abstain and cold turkey your mind begins to heal. Gambling is NOT an income scheme based on random chance and calculated odds. As you know nobody was offering you life changing odds on Manchester United vs the Grannies 11. Thats the thing with gambling and its not really a get it back later scheme either.
Facing this you can build a new pride and self respect but it will take monitoring, proof and there is no room for complacency...feeling slightly flush on a wet tuesday afternoon can spark this out of the blue so you and your loved ones need to be fully aware what you are dealing with here.
Make no mistake...this can not be done with just a bit of casual willpower. Ideally you will need to be on a living allowance with full monitoring. Thats to save you and its nothing at all to do with being treated like a baby
Your mental health takes priority and the loans will have to wait as you can only pay back what you can afford. Im not saying its an easy situation but you cant be too hard on yourself as you have been suffering with an addiction. Bankruptcy is a clearance option as I can tell you its far better than deep stress if you cant pay it back
Honesty with people is a good defence. Try a GA meeting and keep talking about it.
Many people have recovered but it also grants us the serenity to take it step by step. being gamble free is a wonderful feeling and the foundation stone for the rest of your life.
Please read the forum and get further involved. You have a bit to learn but the fog of confusion will lift
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
You post is one I completely relate to. I myself have spend all my savings, and got myself into around 25k of debt. My debt was mainly payday loans Aswel as numerous credit cards and overdrafts. I finally contacted payplan 3 months ago. They are a debt management charity, and they have helped me set up a debt management plan. They charge nothing for their services and every penny I pay towards my debt will go into clearing it. I strongly advise contacting a free service like this as it’ll take a huge weight from your mind re the debts. I am also on antidepressants due to the horrible mental affects of gambling. I have promised to stop so many times, but finally hit rock bottom last week. I firmly believe I didn’t succeed in the past as I hadn’t hit rock bottom. You need to self exclude from everywhere, also join gamban. Hand over your finances to your partner or a family member and also get some form of counselling. This forum is so full of helpful and friendly advice. You can do it, just believe this is your time to get your life back.
Day one 04/08/18
So this is where my story of addiciton ended but journey of recovery started. My mum had opened a letter from one of creditors, saying that I had missed a payment. At this point, I had no other option but to admit to my parents that I was in debt because of gambling. During my confession to my parents, I had also confessed that I had gotten buy back loans against several of my electronic gadgets, the very same gadgets my parents had bought me for Christmas. Although this was the most difficult thing I've ever said, in a strange way it felt good saying it. The thing that didn't feel good, the thing that felt horrible in fact, was seeing the reaction of my parents and how much pain I knew I had caused them.
Looking back now as I write this, pawning something your parents bought you to fund your addiction is despicable behaviour. It's one of the most horrible, heartless and selfish things I could have done to them, something I will always regret doing. At the time though, it was out of sheer desperation, pawning the gadget's for cash, believing that I would win my money back and be able to buy the gadget back before the buy back expired. I never saw the sentiment value of the gadget, just the actual value of the gadget.
In the afternoon, my brother and his family had come to visit but instead of spending a relaxing afternoon together as a family, my brother was devasted by the news that his little brother was a gambling addict. Their afternoon was spent travelling with me to Cash Converters and Cash Generator to buy back gadgets they had already bought for me at Christmas. Looking back at that day I feel ashamed at the fact that my dad and brother had to withdraw their own money from their own bank accounts in order to buy my gadgets back. Walking away from those shops though, all I could feel was relief. Relief that my secret life was revealed, relief that my family knew everything, relief that my gagdets were back in my possession but most of all, relief that my family were there supporting me.
That evening, my brother had visited his in-laws and told them all about my addiction. Even my brother's in-laws got upset at this news, his in-laws phoned me showing their support to me and even told me they had generously wrote a £100 cheque to my brother which was to be used as money towards my upcoming holiday.
The love and support from my family on that day was overwhelming and I cannot thank them enough for sticking by me, it can't have being easy for them on that on day but they certainly showed how much they cared for me. Each and everyone of them were there for me in my hour of need and I shall be forever grateful for that.
Take care
Ry.
Day two 05/08/18.
Woke up after the best nights sleep I'd had in a long time as I didn't have to stay awake gambling or worrying about my addiction. I woke up today feeling nothing but relief. Maybe the realisation of what I'd done or what pain I caused to my family hadn't sunk in yet. I felt relieved that it was all out in the open, ironic how it was my addiction and my debt, yet I was the one that had the better night's sleep compared to my family.
That morning my brother had spoke to parents and had invited us all to his house, instead of originally spending an afternoon with his wife and two year old son.
First thing my parents did was they paid for my overdue phone bill. For the past two weeks leading up to this date, my phone contract was suspended by EE as I was unable to pay my monthly bill because I had spent my wages on gambling, rather than paying for my priorities bills. Although I was still able to use my phone on wifi, of course this is how I continued to gamble, I was unable to phone anyone or send text messages. Ridiculous really, what happens if I had broken down in my car somewhere and was unable to phone for assisstance? None of this crossed my mind at the time, the only thing that was on my mind was gambling, why would it matter as I could still use my phone on wifi to gamble. I may not have showed much emotion to my family but I certainly was thankful to my parents for paying my bill off.
In the afternoon, my brother took me to an EE shop to set me up a new phone contract and new number. A welcome relief to me, knowing that no creditor or broker or call centre or bogus number could constantly harrass me all day long. Not that it was the fact of me trying to run away from creditors, as all my creditors would be informed via e-mail and letter of my situation and that I would be sorting out a debt managment plan. It was the fact I knew I would have peace of mind, no longer if I received a phone call or text would I have to worry who it was and no longer would I have to lie about who was phoning me if my family ever asked. Knowing this felt really good and I owe that feeling to my brother.
How lucky I am to have such a caring and wonderful family around me at times like this.
Take care
Ry.
06/08/18
Woke up this morning feel okay, again my emotion's at the moment are of relief. Maybe my emotions will change in the future or maybe it's just my way of dealing with everything.
Today is Monday which means another week at work, I've read on here about other's getting sick note's from their GP's and having time off work but I'd rather be at work, keeping myself busy which will keep my mind off things.
It's a great feeling knowing that I can use my phone again after not being able to text or phone for two weeks, since my brother had sorted out a new phone contract for me I decided to phone him first. Phoning my brother for the first time in two weeks felt really good, it's amazing how you take the little things for granted, like using a mobile phone. However, after finally being able to use my phone again, it makes you realise and appreciate the little things in life.
Work was good and the day went quick, I've decided not to tell any of my work collegues though. When I'd got home from work, my parents had told me that they'd gone to the bank and paid my £1000 overdraft off. Another gestures of kindness which I am very thankful for, instead of enjoying their afternoon together, they had to go to the bank to bail their son out. Thankful for them doing this, I also felt guilty and felt for sorry for them, why should they have to waste their spare time and money to bail me out, all because I wasted my time and money gambling.
Today was my first week gamble free, although my addiciton was discovered on 04/08/18 I had finally run out of money on 30/07/18. Writing this now I realise that I was saved on 04/08/18, up until that day I still had urges to gamble and was thinking about how would I make it through the month of August until my next payday, what sickens me more is that my electronic gadgets would certainly have being sold as the buy back agreement date's would now have expired. However, it's strange really as ever since 04/08/18 I've not had one urge to gamble, my family finding out and realising the hurt I've caused, I've not being interested in gambling. I know if my addiction had not been discovered, I'd still have urges to gamble everyday.
Take care.
Ry.
07/08/18.
Woke up this morning feeling a bit down, feeling a bit guilty but still wanted to go to work as I knew this would keep my mind off things. Work was good and the day went quick as I work with some decent people. Work certainly took my mind off things as my feelings of guilt soon disappeared.
Once I was back home, all blocks were in place to prevent myself from gambling. K9 software was installed, all apps excluded from and my brother paid a yearly subscrption to gamban for me. It feels really good knowing that my family are behind me and are supporting me through this, they have given me the tools to succeed but only I can bring success to myself and I am determined not to let myself down but more importantly not to let my family down. My biggest inspiration is my two year old nephew, as he adores me. He inspires me to inspire myself to better myself. I keep saying to myself, 'who do you want your nephew to know you as? A gambler that can't afford to buy him or gifts and take him out for days, or his uncle who he adores and who managed to turn his life around?'
This evening I also took the decision to hand my debit card to my mum and allow her to control my finances, it felt strange to do this at this stage in my life and at times it may feel like I'm being babysat but I know it's for the best.
Take care.
Ry.
08/08/18.
Woke up feeling okay this morning and still not had any urges to gamble. After months of restless nights, I'm finally having decent night sleeps which feels good, however I feel bad knowing that my family are now having restless nights sleep due to my behaviour for the past few years.
Work was okay today but I did feel anxiety and a tight chest earlier on today. I don't think it's so much about the money lost but it's more the worry of the debt owed and the worry of causing pain and upset to my family.
I've booked to see my GP on 11/08/18, It'll be good to see what they've got to say and see what they can recommend, it will also be good to talk to somebody about my addiction.
This evening I contacted step change for the first time about my debts, we had a good chat on the phone and they offered me some great advice. The two options available to me are a debt management plan with step change or an IVA with another organistion. I've spoke to my parents about this and will think about it overnight and make a decision tomorrow.
Take care
Ry.
09/08/18
I've being thinking most of the day about the different options to resolve paying off my debt, after working out my monthly budget plan. I've decided the best route to take for myself is a debt management plan with step change. This is the most honourable thing to do, I've got myself into this financial mess and I need to get myself out of this mess, by paying every penny back. This seems like a mountain to climb at the minute but by slowing chipping away, I'll eventually reach the summit.
Chipping away by paying a monthly direct debit repayment fee to stephange is the easy part. However, actually having to start at base camp by sending information and loan reference numbers to step change, and having to contact each individual creditor to inform them of my repayment plan seems like the biggest chore. Sad really, I was happy and prepared to be on my phone for hours on end gambling on a betting app, but I feel like it's a task to actually sit and knuckle down and do something positive by sorting my finances out. I guess that show's the true reflection of my addicition.
Today my parents had generously paid for my breakdown cover and my car insurance. My breakdown cover had being cancelled a few months earlier, not by me intentionally. But be my failing to pay two direct debit payments. Both had being reversed by my bank due to having no money in my bank account, my wages were of course spent gambling rather than paying for my priority bills. Ridiculous really, as I've mentioned earlier, my mobile phone was also suspended due to a non payment to EE so what would of happened if I had broken down somewhere. Writing this now it's shocking to think how I would have gotten home or even to the nearest garage? But at that time none of that mattered to me, all that mattered to was when my next bet was going to take place. As for my car insurance, I was two month's payment behind which thankfully my parents have now paid off. Usually I would pay the full amount for 12 months insurance, however on this policy I couldn't afford the 12 months policy and had to pay monthly, but even that I couldn't afford because of my addiction.
How sad really, for all that money spent on gambling I couldn't even afford a £35 monthly car insurance fee. I'm pretty sure eventually my car insurance would have being cancelled as well due to non payments, it's scary to think what I'd do then, in the deluded state of mind I was in, I'd have probably carried on driving without any insurance, never thinking I would get stopped by the police and believing I was invincible, very much like I did whilst gambling, always believing I'm invincible, thinking I'll get away with and win my money back. Complete madness.
To actually be able to have safety and security, and to have my freedom of being able to drive my car is a huge relief and again something that most people take for granted. Now, because of my parents, I'm actually able to enjoy driving my car again without having the fear or panicking about breaking down anywhere. Being able to enjoy driving again is down to my parents and I shall be grateful for that.
Take care
Ry.
You're very lucky you have the parents you do. I hope for their same you keep it up and don't relapse. Wish you all the best
Hi Onepunchjamoo.
Yeah I'm very lucky to have my parents, lucky that they've stood by me and supported me. Although I may not say it or show it at times, I am very grateful for the help and love they have shown me. Just because I'm being quiet, it doesn't mean I don't care. I care a real lot and do worry about my parents, especially my mum as she's still pretty heartbroken about the whole situation. I think another effect of an addiction is that we addict's pass on the baton of hurt and upset onto our nearest and dearest, we pass on the hurt because of all the lying and deceit, the lack of honesty and how we were unable to open up to them during our darkest hours.
I also think that certain loved ones may feel they are partly to blame for our failures, the sense of what they could have done differently in the past, or how could they have treated us differently to prevent this from happening. For me the truth is nothing, my loved one's couldn't have treated me any differently as my failures are nobody else's fault other than mine.
None of us are bad people that have intentionally ment to hurt our loved ones, we're just people who have made bad choices which have unintentionally hurt our loved ones.
Wish you all the best.
I agree.. I think the worst part isn't losing the money, but having to tell people close to you, especially when you do exactly what they expected.
This gambling thing isn't easy, I wish I had the power to end it to be honest.
11/08/18
I went to go see my GP this morning, it was good to talk and tell somebody about my addicition. Good news is I'm still feeling okay so there was no need for a sick note. If anything, being busy at work helps a huge amount as it keeps me busy and my mind occupied with other things. It's surprising though how little help there is out there for a gambling addict. The best thing for me is to start attending GA meetings which is something I'm going to be doing.
It was also nice to go the pub tonight with my dad for a couple of drinks, it's the first time I've been out with my dad for a while as before my addiction was discovered I had no money available, and I also had an outstanding bar tab at my local pub which required paying. Thankfully my brother had paid this tab off for me earlier and because for the first time in a while I actually had a little bit of money to spend on something other than gambling.
It makes you realise how precious the small things in life are, like being able to go to the pub with your dad. Again, I realise that it's not so much the money lost that matters, what matters the most is the time lost. Time is priceless, as missing out on an evening at the pub with my dad can never be replaced.
Take care
Ry.
I have finished a debt management plan gone through all of it
Post on my diary if you would like any suggestions or information about it
09/10/18
Quick update as I've not been posted for a while. So I'm now 71 days gamble free - the longest I've gone without a bet in about 3 years now. My debt management plan is up and running and two payments have come off towards my huge debt. It may be a huge debt at the moment but slowly it'll be paid off eventually, a couple of the loans I've complained to lenders about, whether anything comes of the complaint we'll have to wait and see. I've started attending GA meetings every week, I've been to a meeting for the past 5 weeks now, it's pleasing to go to the meetings and realise that you're not the only compulsive gambler. It's surprising how many people attend GA each week.
Take care
Ry.
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