My son is a compulsive gambler

Hi Odaat - Thankyou got the reply I'm trying not to peck away every day but yesterday was a bad day. His pay day, and watching it dwindle away. He realised I had took his car money late last night, oh he wasn't happy! Wasn't happy because it has left him with little money in his account until next Thursday. I have mixed emotions about taking the money, I'm pleased I did in one way as the car will be paid on the other hand he's going to be so frustrated at having so little money until next pay day. For a non cg the money he was left with should have sufficed, I certainly don't have that spare cash every week to spend on myself after my bills have been paid. I'm afraid now he's going to turn to payday loan which would be disastrous! My husband told me to take the money from his account but he also said maybe we should just let him get on with it, that is not an option for me while I know what is going on. I tried to speak to him last night after he found out I'd took the money and all I get is 'shut up mam your doing my head in' again I tell him I'm doing it out of concern for him. I'm sorry for the long winded post, I just need to blow off steam now and again. He knows I use this forum and go on the chat room I've told him I've met lovely people with the same fight as him. At least you are taking the steps now to change your life around, you are doing this for yourself and your future! This is a fantastic thing, you must keep fighting this bloomin addiction it can be done with hard work as we've both read on here. Take care have a good day x

Thinking - been trying to think about a connection the reason behind this. He started working away from home three years ago, it was a great opportunity for him he settled in well, loved it. He had more money than he has ever had before. Looking back at statements from 3 years ago it started at the odd bet on sky bets which then has escalated to the point he is at now. This is the only Connexxion I can think of, more money available to him and being away from home. Could this be the reason.

Thinking - been trying to think about a connection the reason behind this. He started working away from home three years ago, it was a great opportunity for him he settled in well, loved it. He had more money than he has ever had before. Looking back at statements from 3 years ago it started at the odd bet on sky bets which then has escalated to the point he is at now. This is the only Connexxion I can think of, more money available to him and being away from home. Could this be the reason.

well my tears have fallen today it's the first time of crying since I found out @feeling broken 🙁

Am so sorry to read this, but the tears had to come, x

Our kids are our lives, no matter what they do,.and they can break our hearts.

None of this is your fault, and it can be fixed when he is ready,,

You must look after you and the rest of your family, tough love now.

Suzanne xx

Oh WCID, I was so worried about you earlier driving yourself insane trying to figure it out & now I'm sad that it has really broken you 🙁 Please, get yourself some help, we can support you from here but you're driving yourself to distraction over this & you need to take a step back & try & figure out a way to help without tearing your heart out!

Whilst he is still under your roof you have a fighting chance of coming to some agreement but it needs to be done calmly! You need to lay some ground rules without pushing him away & the only way to do this is when he is calm & it may involve you 'accepting' that his 'spare' money is his to do what he likes with. You will definitely need access to his credit reports to make sure he is not doing anything daft & I think it was already mentioned, keep an eye on yours too! I have been holding back telling you this because you want solutions but I want you to understand why I keep saying to look after you first! My mum surrendered her finances to me on several occasions: initially by standing order & she'd clear out her account before the SO cleared, then she let me have her card & reported it stolen, now I have all her internet banking access & her pension comes to my account so that I can pay her bills. Any money left @ the end of the month goes onto my credit card (for which she is an additional holder) that does not allow cash withdrawals because she is living in my flat & I refuse to be caught out like my nan was (sitting on the bus one day over hearing people talking about an old lady being taken for a mug by her daughter who hadn't paid the mortgage for months)!

There is nothing you can do to make him ready! I really hope that now this has all come to a head he will get to the point that most of us know where we shake with the realisation of what we have done & beg for help from anyone who will listen but even that may be short lived!

Keep close to this site, keep letting it out but please consider what you can do for you - ODAAT

Hi ODAAT i must have sounded like a was loosing the plot yesterday! Was just my first bad day, reality has set in for me. Thankyou for your support even though you have battled this yourself and continue the battle with your mum. Your mum is lucky to have you! I have read my sons credit reference today, very low it says. I'm not surprised. Knew he had a pay day which shows in his statement but it is a bit more than I thought it was! Honestly! We paid 5 pay day loans off last year when we thought he was just mismanaging his money so this is a new one. Well it's borrowed in dribs and drabs not one lump sum. I have alerts now so that will keep me updated. Anyways today is another day, I have picked myself up and am off out to finish Xmas shopping. Thankyou for your advice, honesty and kind words. Hope we can all win the battle ahead as life throws many obstacles in our way without addictions adding to them! Xx

Hi everyone - my question for today, can a cg go back to just having the odd 'normal' bet, has anyone done or read this. Or is it impossible to keep control. - wcid

The dribs & drabs don't surprise me @ all...That is us trying to control it! My early accounts are £20, £30, £40 & usually the odd £10 @ the end until it was maxed out but the ones towards the end were pow £100 on my debit card (max withdrawal), £300 on the credit card to chase that (max withdrawal) then £200's or £250 over the counter coz despite the amount of time I spent @ them, it's pretty embarrassing especially the bit where I used to cash in my winnings & keep 'a bit to play with' & then invariably be back @ the counter minutes later handing my card over again & hoping yet another withdrawal would be approved! We don't actually want to lose the money we throw away & most people start small & bet harder to chase the losses.

But I digress, I've read of people still doing stuff that never held the same excitement as what bought them to their knees (I still do the lottery but actually I have more urges to this than the machines that broke me) but not anyone regaining control over their poison. If I have seen the odd post, I have disregarded it! There is also lots of evidence of people that switched poison when they shut one down! There's a lot of evidence on the site @ the moment of people that have fallen off the wagon so to speak...It's one of the hardest things for me to read, people with a lot of recovery under their belt thinking they could control it. I'm glad it's out there because it has shown me the way but I wish it didn't happen! The only way to win @ gambling is not to do it so my opinion is, you can't go back!

Hi ,

I can only give you my thoughts on my experience and I will definitely say no for me, I can never do the odd gamble in a normal way, Was only interested in online slots towards the end, I would like to be able to play the odd bingo online, but it's that that lead to me to online slots in the first place, so no I will never trust myself again to have the odd gamble. To me it what be like being an Alcoholic and being able to have the odd drink, just would not work for me.

Suzanne xx

ODAAT, Suzeanne Thankyou for your answers. I'm probably being niaeve, I'm just trying to figure different options in my head that I could propose to my son. One is to have two prepaid cards and put his lodge, food, petrol on for when he is on his weeks working away from home and to load £50 on to the other and say that is your gambling money for the week. I would want him to self exclude from all online gambling sites except for one of his choice. If he chose to gamble his food money well he would have to go without food! - This way he is reducing his gambling from £300 to £50 a week so there is less damage. I know it's not the perfect way, I'm just looking at ways of moving forward with a plan that he might agree to.

Wcid x

Hi again,

I totally understand where you are coming from with these thoughts.

and I do not think you are niave at all, you are a very caring and understanding mum, who just wants to help her son.

One thing I would like to say is, we can never underestimate this horrible addiction,

Looking at it rationally yes 50 is far much better than 300 plus a week, but us CGs are not rational folks when it comes to gambling,

because once we start we can't stop, and it will just keep feeding his addiction, and it may progress rapidly.

Just my thoughts again, But in my experience my addiction totally spiralled out of control, in the last two years, it progressed rapidly by the month.

Suzanne xxx

Sorry it's so hard for you.

Whatever he agrees to now, when the going's good and in order to get you off his back, he won't in future regard as binding when he's hellbent on gambling.

Any gambling just feeds the addiction, once he starts he can't stop.

Only he can choose to stop, you can't do it for him. Your choices are about what you tolerate in your house.

CW

Hi, one more thought...as far as I know, my husband isn't gambling, certainly not family money. (If he is, he's had to resort to cash vouchers at an Internet cafe or the bookies). But in his case, the addict's attitude, the moodiness, blaming me etc, hasn't changed. Recovery not just about stopping the losses, it's about rejoining the human race.

Take care,

CW

What can I do wrote:

Hi everyone - my question for today, can a cg go back to just having the odd 'normal' bet, has anyone done or read this. Or is it impossible to keep control. - wcid

There are people who can gamble. They can enjoy it for the entertainment that it is. Sadly though there are a few of us who are addicts who can't. I am one of those. As much as I think i can control my gambling, experience has taught me otherwise.