My son is a compulsive gambler

Hi Jason Thankyou for posting on my thread. Wow only twice is three year! That is an achievement! Yes you are a similar age to my son, he has had a good week this week, we have his bank card and he is not complaining so that is a positive! He also got paid and on Thursday so his wages are still there! I know me paying his car/bills goes against what most people say but wasnt prepared to let him loose car which in turn would loose job which would have emotionally been a very bad move for him. By us taking more control of his money hopefully we can work together to help him. I would be delighted if my son could turn it around like you. Did you find it difficult and what barriers did you put in place.

Hi, WCID,

I've seen a couple of your posts saying how can you leave him to it, you're his mother, you can't let the bad things happen, you have to sort it out.

The thing is, it's all too easy to end up making it worse, not better, by "helping" him in the wrong way. Tough love is counterintuitive and frustrating but in the context of addiction, it really is a case of being cruel to be kind. Long term, it doesn't help him for you to take the problem on, clear up the mess, keep his secret and mask the consequences of his actions. It harms him. And you. And the rest of the family.

I know because I've done it.

BW,

CW

Hi cw I know you have been through it and have lived it, I'm still trying to sort it in my head. He has had a better week because we have his bank card now. Although were not fully in control of his bank account I can see transactions and transfer money so when he's paid his bills I'm transferring some money onto a prepaid card and transferring the rest out his bank account into mine. besides saying a couple of times he's gonna get me off his bank account he hasn't complained too much and he hasn't got me off his account. He has made some sensible choices this week so that's a positive and I'm feeling a bit better about it than I was. He hasn't openly came out and said he has a problem but isn't denying it now either. I'm not going on about it all the time to him like I was, I've took a step back but am keeping an eye on everything. I have told my sister and a friend about it also. I know I'm maybe not doing things in the advised way but am trying my best xx

I don't see any problem with you paying his bills and keep his account under control. The alternative is your son continuing to lose everything and borrowing off you. Even if he lost all his money week after week it is at best 10 percent he does something about it.

If anything I would tighten up more on the money and hopefully the squeeze will result in him giving up gambling. No matter what anyone says most of us know we have a problem but losing our money is usually what makes us do something about it. You can make it your case nagging and making life tough for him while he continues gambling.

Hi, WCID,

I hear what you're saying and I admire you. As we all know, nothing's easy about coping with this addiction.

For me, with the 20:20 vision of hindsight, tough love should have been the way to go in the first place, I didn't (I lacked support and probably courage) and I regret it now. Of course you have to do it your way but I just wanted you be warned by my experience.

All the best,

CW

Hi cw your partner is very lucky he has you to support him. You must have had many difficult days. If it was my husband and not my son I would be handling it in a different way and not coping as well I think. It's just because my husband is on board and stronger than me I've been able to let him step up a bit more. When son has asked for bank card I just say 'see your dad'. Sons not used to that. I really don't like that this is a long term addiction. I wonder how long we will have to keep a tight reign on his finances before he rebels. I'm hoping if he lets us carry on like this for the next few months he will see his bills getting paid on time, no letters coming month after month and will see his bank balance grow and be able to buy nice things. I'm hoping this will be an incentive for him. Here's hoping. xx

Hi, WCID,

re the card being registered at the on line gambling sites, with his cooperation, you could report it to the bank as lost or damaged or stolen and ask for a new card. When the new card arrives, you keep it (if he'll let you) but remove the security code at the back (you should know the code) before you let him have access to the card.

As ever, though, this is a possible barrier, he could get round it and it doesn't solve the problem of him dealing with his own problem.

Take care,

CW

CW

WCID, I get your frustrations but us CG's are sneaky and manipulative & you will need to keep a close eye on his credit reports if you are restricting his access to money!

I think I also just read that you were planning some self exclusions for him...Please have a long hard think about this, it is not worth getting yourself into trouble for something that will not fix him! I was self excluded for some considerable miles whilst in the throes of my addiction but have wheels, will travel!

You have to sit tight & offer these solutions when he comes to you broken, which he will if you remain calm & strong & let him know you are there for him!

I know you are just trying to do your best but you need to stop & breathe & figure out how to look after you & everyone around you, not focus 100% of your effort on him!

Please, no rash decisions!

Hi WCID,

Hope things are still going well for you and your son. I always had blocks in place such as blocking software as my problem is online rather than going into a bookies. But for me its all about desire and getting things right in your head. As soon i realised i had a problem and noticed how my actions were affecting others (mainly my mum) i knew i had to change. Don't get me wrong i have slipped up twice but i will never go back to how i was. Not only doing it for others but it made me feel awful about myself, i know i am a much better person for staying away.

Feeling pleased with my son at the moment. Has gambled £30 in last 11 days, nothing for 6 days. He had the opportunity to gamble more than £30 but didn't, huge progress! I was worried about payday tomorrow as he will want to go out with mates he is 25 after all, was apprehensive about bringing subject up and making an agreeable money amount to give him. Anyways we were able to talk calm and sensibly and normal. Phew well done to us both. He may not admitted to me he has this problem but he seems to be trying and working with us. I've told him he has done so well for trying hard. I know this is only the beginning but he's in a better position than what he was. Wcid xx

WCID

Ive just reread you diary again, I d just like to say what fantastic kind caring parents you are. Nice people are hard to find but the support you give us on here is unbeliveable. You are alwys so positive even in the chatroom. Big hug thankyou.xx

Thankyou for those kind words brownie. I found it really hard when I found out, I just wanted to talk about it with my son, figure it out, fix it. I got some great advice on here some of which I agreed with and some of which I struggled. I never thought I would be on an addiction site trying to help my son, but here we all are brought together by this, we never know what life has in store for us! All we can do is try our best to support and talk to each other. You have done great brownie! Look how down you were compared to now. Your getting stronger every day. Won't be long til you meet that lady who loves you for you ( and your cleaning) x

Hi WCID

Ive been out this evening. Missed you all gutted I didnt get on chat. Im doing ok Thankyou so much for caring and asking.I think one more free day then in work for aday. Still got a little man in my head but I will beat him. I hope,,,,,,,, Really hope your doing ok and so is your son hope to catch you later or tomorrow xxxx

Hi WCID, just seen your post to Dan & thought I would drop by with a hug ((WCID))...It's not really my thing as anyone who knows me will attest to but I think you need it & hope it helps! I'm also pretty sure anyone who has made you this upset will be mortified but such is the nature of addiction, sometimes getting our points across hurts!

It is true for everyone that comes here looking for help...We must take the bits that help & ignore the rest. Easier said than done I know but try not to take anything personally & please, never feel like an outcast! You are a fantastic contributor to this site & there are many people, as above, who don't want to see you upset or thinking about leaving!

Hello WCID,

I'm more of a lurker rather than a contributor to these diarys but just wanted to echo ODAAT. I've noticed in the past couple of months your fine support on these diarys so please never feel an outcast. Sometimes things do get taken out of context or not articulated as they should be. but hai ho we're all aiming for a common goal!

I think if addiction is a process, well recovery has to be as well for both the cg and the person(s) effected by addictions. Its fantastic the effort you put into support on this forum as well as being a fantastic non judgementall mum in the pursuit of your sons welfare...

To cut this fumbling message short, please dont feel an outcast and give yourself a big pat on the back for trying to get your head round this bizarre behavoural addiction. Please keep on doing what your doing..

Kudos to WCID