My story with this vile beast

Hi guys,

I've been registered on here for a little while but never posted, I think I just want to get it all out, even if no one reads all the way!

I started gambling from the age of 18 but my journey was far earlier than that. Looking back at my childhood it's no surprise that I started gambling.

I currently have a tin of about 50-60 keyrings from when I was a kid and I would go to Blackpool on holiday once/twice a year and be obsessed by the penny pushers. I loved the bright lights, the chance of winning some useless c**P. I don't know how my grandparents had any good times at all because that's the only places I wanted to be, the arcades.

If ever I saw an arcade it became a running joke with friends that I would be in there betting whatever change was in my wallet, 2p/10p etc.

Fast forward to 20 years old, never really gambled properly, I was too busy with uni etc. I got invited to play bingo with my Dad and his new GF as an introduction to her. It was the first time I played bingo and I enjoyed it but I wouldn't go mad for it. We decided on the back of an offer that they gave to register online. It was just me and my Dad in the house, so every now and again, normally on a Sunday night we would order a takeaway and play bingo.

It was fun for a while but it started to get a little slow for me after a couple of months, so I decided to try some of the instant games on there. I never really won much but it was fun. I then won a couple of hundred on there and whatever we won we decided to split.

I was playing a poker-style game and I wasn't even really paying attention and then I had three wins one after the other. I was a student at this point with a part-time job so winning close to what I would earn in a month was an incredible amount of money.

All excited I decided to have a look at some other parts of the site, and that's where I discovered slots. What would become the bane of my life.

I won and kept winning, withdrawing some and always leaving some to play again with the next day. This happened every day. It's like I couldn't lose, I thought I was in a dream. Every day, I would play a little, win some more, withdraw some, and then go to bed.

In the space of a month, I had paid off my student overdraft and had money to spare. I felt invincible like I discovered this gold mine that was amazing fun but also a money-printing machine. Everyone who I told, told me to stop and not get addicted but I was 20, I was now debt-free and untouchable.. until..

The wins dried up, I didn't realise I had a problem, but nothing I did hit, I was getting desperate with it, before I knew it, in a couple of months I was back in overdraft with nothing left to eat. I couldn't believe it, I sobbed for days at my own stupidity and vowed to never gamble again.

I opened up a new bank account elsewhere so I could separate the overdraft and cut my card up. I finished Uni and got a job and quite quickly paid that overdraft off, pumping any money I got in, in there. At this point, I hadn't gambled for about 18 months.

My new card arrived for my old bank and I thought if I transfer a small amount onto it I'll just pop that on the gambling site and run it down.

Nothing really happened from there, I would occasionally put some money on and sometimes I would win and withdraw it, using it to buy something and other times I would lose but nothing unhealthy.

By 25 I managed to save up to put a deposit down on my first house and moved out. I hadn't gambled for 6 months before then so the transactions wouldn't show on any necessary bank statements.

Then living alone kind of bought me into gambling hard again. For anyone who has lived alone you'll know it can be quite a lonely place, not really much going on. I had suffered with anxiety from a very early age so that didn't help and gambling was a comfort.

I was still only playing within my budgeted allowance but that was pretty much put some into savings, put some in an account for bills and food then the rest went on gambling. I thought the amount I was spending each month was never a problem because everything else was covered and I still had money going in savings.

AGAIN I won big and withdrew the winnings. I made plans, put some more on over the coming weeks but then spent it, and spent some more.

I slowly spent too much, took out a loan for a new car but then decided on getting my old one fixed so I gradually spent all of that loan on gambling, spent all my savings and my overdraft. I was in a mess! I cried most nights, begging my mind to stop thinking about gambling, just a little relief. Think about something else one time!

I started having dark thoughts thinking how I'm ever going to get out of this state, it's all I wanted to do, all I thought about.

I decided to try and meet someone, I'd been single most of my life, mainly due to me enjoying my own company but I thought if I could meet someone then maybe I could think about something that wasn't spinning a slot machine.

I got set up with a friend of a friend and we spoke for a while before going on a date. One thing led to another and she ended up pregnant from that first date. Now not only have I got this crippling addiction but I've also got a baby on the way with an almost complete stranger. The saddest thing was that I used to think if things don't work out then I'll have to pay child support and that will be all my gambling money.

Luckily things did work out (she's my Wife now!) and after 5-6 months I confessed to her, the first time I ever told anyone about my gambling. For anyone who has never shared it with someone, it's great to do it, such a relief off your mind.

She helped me a lot, and although it was difficult I stopped for a while wanted to do the right thing and put that money into my baby.

I relapsed a couple of times but she was very supportive.

Then the ultimate test happened, I sold my house to move in with her. I made a profit from that sale and moved into her house about 3 months after my baby was born to save keep moving between the houses.

We paid off some things and treated ourselves/baby and made her house nice which left me with some money which went into savings.

She asked me not to gamble any of that and I laughed it off, saying that I'm not really in that frame of mind anymore and would prefer to spend the time with my kid.

I still gambled occasionally at this point but nothing mad, which she knew about but never said anything... UNTIL...

Again I got the big hit, for anyone who plays slots you'll know how big this is. This was the biggest I have ever won. I then unbelievably carried on casually playing and won again over the next week.

I couldn't believe it, I was back to touching gold again. Increased my bets and was winning a lot. I now had money in the bank. The Wife didn't know but I used to buy her gifts and say it was from my wages, we would talk about marriage, a new house etc. with the house money. That was until it stopped paying out again.

I kept my higher stakes but stopped winning.

It was the darkest day of my life, realising that I had savings and lost all that money in the space of about 2 weeks. I remember every moment of that night, every step having to tell the Wife that I betrayed her and we had barely anything left.

She was so upset, I vowed never to do that to her again, I never wanted to see her that upset. So I registered to gamstop. To this day, about 4 years on I've kept to that vow and will always keep it, I've never seen a heart break before and I don't intend to again.

She was very VERY supportive and offered to allow me to gamble under her name and supervision, a small amount each month, which was great, but it became not enough. I was asking for more each week and arguments came from it.

In the end I made the decision to gamstop HER as well (with her obvious agreement). 6 month exclusion and it was like someone took the hands from around my neck. For the first time in 12-13 years I felt like I was finally free of my own mind wanting to gamble.

It's been like that for the past couple of years, what we'll do is every 6 months, deregister from gamstop, gamble, and then put gamstop on once it's gone for another 6 months.

I'm not ready to give it up completey but I'm certainly not ready to have control over it again. Every 6 months I have a week or so of this dark shadow of a beast lurking over me making me want more, more MORE until the gamstop is back on and it goes away.

I've put the gamstop on again last night and I feel stupid. I won some money on a spin and withdrew it. In the space of a week I put it all back on and more before reputting gamstop on. It's stupid but that's how she goes.

My overall advice to anyone in the dark pit of despair like I have been so many times is, register to Gamstop. Please! it will save your life.

Thank you for anyone who has listened, I would love to talk to and try to help others 🙂