New and in Deep trouble

Hey there Jay,

I truly hope that you are clocking up those hours. Its tough and you should be proud to keep posting here.

Yes yes and yes, that surreal world is the most dangerous as we have no control. We forget bills or debts and for me it was winning to be able to play longer. I only withdrew on four occasions and deposited over 1000 times. I have to keep telling myself that I dont think the money mattered, as it was virtual in a way, it was the thrill. All the best and keep telling us your progress.

Hi Gabby27

Thanks for your support. Yes still gamble- clear, so just completed Clean Day 9. So far it has been quite straight forward; only once before (in twenty years) did I go through a period of abstinence over a period of time (around two months), and I clearly remember walking back in after that break and within 15 minutes was totally back in the habit.

A very dangerous lesson for me, I will never recover, so just need to stay away forever.

I made a rough calculation last night and I reckon that since December 10 I have lost £45,000 on machines. Twice during this period I printed tickets over £10k. The first time, I accompanied the manager to the bank where she gave me £13,780 in cash. I gave the manger £100 as a tip ( why do I give them tips, every time I lose they don't tip me??!). My car was parked 10 minutes away and whilst walking back to the car, totally out of control, money in every pocket, I lost £3,000. By the evening besides for paying a small loan of £2200 I had played and lost the lot.

On the second occasion I didn't even get as far as collecting the cash, choosing instead to put the ticket back into the machine ( another pathetic invention allowing punters to lose even quicker).

The explanation about 'Stake Money' is so so true.

I don't think I will ever forgive myself. Ever

Regards. Jay

Hi Jay, good to see you on here updating us on your situation and very well done on getting to day 9.

I don't think it's a case of not being able to forgive yourself; it's more about disassociating yourself from the person you were. One day, you may look back at yourself as I do and see a "lost soul" - someone who was not truly in control of their own actions. You are making headway into becoming a better, more complete person and hopefully, please god, different to how you are now. I feel very different today - more worldly, open-minded and free - I can close that door on my life because I wasn't well then, I was an addict.

Hopefully, you will be able to feel like this too - it is all a bit soon for you my friend at the moment but give yourself time and space to recover; you are doing very, very well so far.

JamesP

Hello Jay his me thinking at one I was the only one with those dam machines,I was truly addicted to them and like you lost thousands of pounds

I went through the feeling and emotions as you have.Yes i have had relapse but i only see this as small one it was hundreds not thousands.even that's bad enough.Not being funny be you know that you has bar yourself from all bookies,and bloody hard at first .

but it does get better going round

God I do feel for i know,i mealy lost my home everything in it,You do s... right now.

Use everything that's available where ever it comes and do don't be afraid of what people

might be thinks they all want to help you with any judgement at all ,

My biggest problem was i had to admit to myself I was ill,

You will get that and i wish you all the nice luck in the world ,One day at time.

We are all here for the same reason.

We are not in competition about £xxxx lost.

We are here seeking help, because we sadly are so weak, and should not ever let the system win by tempting us to get it back.

Its GONE!!

Goodbye losses and hello tomorrow.... The biggest win of all is to resist that temptation.

Hi all

Thanks for responses.

I honestly believe that the only thing keeping me back from re gambling at the moment is this forum.

It is the end of the month which means needing to find £5000 again for mortgage, minimum payments on cards and utilities. From the 26th of each month until the 5th, I am under such pressure just to cover basics.

The point that drives me crazy is that I have worked hard all my life. People call me workaholic and always working etc.. and some have even said to me that by now I must have a great saving account and so should begin to enjoy the money

(a) half the time I was supposed to be working, I was in a bookies somewhere

(b) I have burnt ever penny

I have a friend who is really sick and treats each day with such respect, just happy to be alive. And here I am, with this self afflicted disease that makes wish I was dead. It makes no sense.

I am hoping it'll get easier as I reach the end of day 11

Hi Jay, glad that you're staying focused and very well done again for reaching day 11.

It is early days as yet - you will be consumed with the "what if's" and the constant churning of the losses over and over in your mind. The one guarantee I can give you is that in time, these feelings will lessen and you will find it easier to disassociate yourself from the person you were.

I was the same - towards the very end, I had my best ever win of £7000 in one go and thought that I had finally got some security. I convinced myself (as we all do) that I had enough & whatever I gambled would only be a fraction of that, even losing a few hundred wouldn't be too bad. I lost a few hundred soon enough and then began chasing it to win it back and then have a little "spending money" over the top - I lost £2000 with ridiculous ease in about an hour and then the remaining £5000 over the next two days. I was distraught because I had recently been made redundant and was going to use the money to go travelling - something I always wanted to do but never had the time and then faced possibly months of unemployment with no money to do anything.

Try and focus on the person you will become as opposed to the person you are leaving behind. It is sad about your friend but you will come to appreciate life again - it is a wonderful feeling being free of this affliction; gambling makes us appreciate nothing and no-one - it consumes us, devours our personality to the point where we develop a certain hysteria where we believe we can have "just one quick go" or "i'll reach a certain amount and I will stop" - either way, you lose because if you win, you get a huge high and want to play again almost immediately (If I had a big win at lunchime, I used to come back to the office and try to book the afternoon off immediately because of it) which ends up in a loss eventually or if you lose, you want to regain what you spent and you lose again.

Hang in there Jay, "All things must pass" as the saying goes. It will be easier in time, trust me on that.

JamesP

Hi JamesP

So I lasted until Day 13 (Monday 1st August) and then have gone absolutely mental.

I have blown £14,000 in the last 10 days - today being the worst where I destroyed £4800.

I really don’t believe it is possible for me to get out of this. I have taken cheques from my company and cashed them and now I can’t even think of the trouble I am in.

Today I just completely lost it. I started with £1,000 playing £100 a spin. Spins 1,2,4 and 5 landed and I hadn’t been in the shop 5 minutes and i had £1596 in my account. I then had 24 consecutive losing spin. I always cover either 7 or 12 (never both because £100 isn’t enough to cover both). This time I chose 12 and 7 landed 3 times in a row. I was so angry I switched from 12 to 7 and over the next 10 spins 12 landed twice.

I have spent the whole day in the betting shopand I think that at one time I was up over £4,000 but just couldn't press the wretched COLLECT button. By 7:30 tonight I did not have a single penny left, and managed to get a parking ticket, leaving my car in a Residential Bay for 6 hours. I then went to my house and found £25.00 in my wifes purse and went straight back - worked it up slowly to over £1,000 and then wrecked it.

Now I am so angry I am smashing the keyboard so hard I think I'll break it.

The point is I felt like this 4 weeks ago, stopped for two weeks and then went back in even worse.

Now sitting in my office it is blindingly obvious what a complete idiot/fool/imbecile I have been, but when you are in the shop it is like you get taken over by demons. Totally totally out of control.

I am so scared for tomorrow, and next week I am supposed to be taking the family on holiday to Switzerland but I can’t even cover the petrol at the moment.

I have just thrown up for the second time this evening - I am just so scared. I dont understand myself, I am out of control and right now I cannot see any light.

Really really scary

Jay

Jay,

Just read your diary.

You are in a bad place... you were in a bad place before. Us gamblers can never remember ! That's the problem, we always think we can experiment or that it will be different the next time. (whether the next time is 1 day or 11 days).

You are facing down a tough few months but you can turn it around. The finances will be brutal, and will be for a while. Learning to enjoy the free things in life is what's really beautiful. A walk on the beach... laughter of the kids.

You gotta get some help Jay. Your secret is going to come out soon, it is best to tell rather than be found out. Initially it is really painful.... the mortgage, the deceit, the shame.... it passes though. People will always love you. That cannot be changed. You will get support if you can be honest about everything. The future can be bright.... you will be able to sleep again at night.... you will be able to walk past those bookies and smile because the manager is not getting his car bought for him by you....

Best of Strength,

Brian

Hi Jay, I am sad that things have gone downhill but well done on 13 days of abstinance - it may seem odd to say well done at this point but it is progress.

I can understand how you feel. For me, it was easier to abstain when I had no money, or access to any credit at all - the problems generally came around payday when I would foolishly convince myself that I would have "one quick go" and then walk out. It never, ever happened like that - within minutes it was like you said, "taken over by demons" - you become absolved, obsessed, melt into a world where nothing else matters - it is a false world however, the sensation isn't real because we are not winning money, we are winning "stake", that will only ever be replayed or put back in a few days later.

Sometimes, I think there is a "pain barrier" that we go through when abstaining from gambling. I found it very, very difficult at times during the first few weeks but then, I gradually found myself being able to think clearly and with purpose. I can't put a time on it for you, I wish I could - it is longer for some and shorter for others but I can guarantee you (and there are few guarantees with addiction) that you will feel better in time and more like the person you were before this took hold. As hard as it is, you will get this point if you try to hang on and ride the storm - two weeks is clearly not enough for your to get to this point my friend.

What was the trigger? Was it just the thought of gambling that made you go back or did something happen? You must now do whatever you have to do to rectify the situation at work - cancel the holiday if needs be. Maybe it is time to come clean to those around you and hand over control of your finances - it is the only way if you're struggling but I imagine it's the last thing you want at the moment. I can also appreciate that it may be harder for you than others because of your access to monies at work. You must try and focus on the things that set you off and send you down that path to oblivion - is is trying to recover losses? Is it depression? Is it just the thoughts of playing?

There is no shame in starting again. However painful, sit down and work out what you need to do financially to try and rectify this as best you can - then I would seriously consider the fact that you may not be strong enough to control your own finances at the moment - it doesn't have to be forever, just until you are in a better place. At the moment, it is becoming serious and you need to do everything humanly possible to make sure you are not open to temptation and give yourself that time to recover as I said

I really, genuinely feel for you Jay. I respond to a lot of people on here but your story strikes a chord with me. You have made progress but you can still do this, it will be painful, hard and take a lot of sorting out financially but there is certainly and always a way forward.

JamesP

Hi Jay. I truly feel for you. It is a horrible place to be. Following a binge of gambling I used to feel a sense of relief that all the money had gone, but it is so raw that it also feels like an open wound. This thing consumes us and takes over until you hit the bottom. You must recognise that there is something that can get the better of you and remove all access to money.

If you had won, or lost and won it all back, I can almost gurantee to you all it would have done is extend the cycle until you eventually lost. It is a self repeating nightmare and the the money just gets tangled up in feeding the addiction. I had times on these machines when I couldn't even remember whether I was winning or losing and I didn't care - all I wan't to do was stuff notes in and hit the buttons.

I think you need to seek help as soon as possible from the various means available on this site, the net line, phone line etc.

You have to own up to the money before if it is discovered - it is the only way. In the long run it is the best thing to do.

These machines are evil. FOBT look like machines of chance. They are anything but. They are written as extremely sophisticated computer models that look like chance. You can cover as many numbers as you like, it does not matter. Which number you cover does not matter. They basically have an outcome of win or lose - the numbers you chose are irrelevant as the game decision has been taken before the end of the spin.

Good luck my friend - stay strong. Dave

Jay - Gutted to hear of your painful losses, all I would say is when I was going though my phase of roulette I was always convinced that there was a 'system' that would win me money in the long run.

Sadly this is completely untrue and you need to accept that you will NEVER be able to beat Roulette because of the house edge.

You will get lucky and be up at times but in the long-run you will always lose.

I now view Rouletter and all other Casino games as a blackhole for cash.

If I do play Roulette for recreation I will only ever put £1 on 1 number. Any more than £1 and the loss will affect me in a way and I will be inclined to chase it. If you do hit your number it's £36 in your pocket from £1.

If you do feel the need to gamble again although I would strongly advise against it just play with £1 bets and choose just 1 number. Budget yourself with a tenner or something and do 10 seperate spins, that way you can have a little 'fix' but not spend so much money on it.

Also make a plan for a little treat after your budgeted cheap session like a bag of chips from the chippy or a DVD from the video shop - whatever you fancy.

Good luck mate.

Hi Jay, you haven't posted for a while, just checking your OK.

All the best.

Great work Brad,

Hope you are well also Jay - I have to say that I don't ever really do this but your story gave me great concern and I really hope that you're ok.

Either way, I really hope you are ok my friend, try a small post or update to let us know that you're ok.

Take care, JamesP

Also concerned for you Jay. I hope you are OK as its been a hile since you posted. You concern me when you say you wish you were dead. I did a very stupid thing to escape my guilt and coping with debt and selfishly took pills a few weeks ago and nearly destroyed my family as a result. Your family have lost money. To lose you would be too much to bear for them and they would feel the weight of conscience. Heres hoping that you are continuing to be strong and feeling a little happier. Please just say you are OK. x