new member, HELP HELP HELP i hate myself

Hi Kaz, well done in coming. We are all the same here, know how your feeling. I had my last bet on 1/3/11. I got k9 installed on pc and self excluded from all sites. Even if I wanted to bet, I couldn't. I never though that making a diary and joining a forum would help me, but it REALLY has!! When I get the urge, I log in and write my feelings down and how angry I would be at losing (as most times I would). Even reading other peoples posts helps. The knowing that your not alone. Im day 5 and feel great!! Good luck and keep posting. You can do it.

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thanks Gail and Stephanie, just got in from work, and thought first thing would do is to check my posts to see if anyone has replied.

Thank you both for your kind words and support, i know its going to be a long slog and i still have that dreaded feeling in my stomach but hopefully day 2 will turn into

day 22 then 32 etc. Going to try and block sites as suggested, thank you again

and i know i am not alone.

hey kaz...

you're not alone ... i too am addicted to online bingo... it's so easy to deposit again and again ... you dont even feel like you're spending real money until you check your bank balance!!

start a diary, keep reading and posting... this site is amazing!!

i owned up to my husband and oldest son (17) they have been realy great... my son put a filter on my laptop, so even when i get an urge there's nothing i can do about it!!

4 weeks free today, i still have some money in my account and am feeling 100% happy than i did... i am actually starting to like myself again.... 4 weeks ago i thought i was lower than a piece of poo on my shoe!!!

take care kaz and all the best with your journey to a better place!!

jen

xx

hi jen, thanks for the reply,

it is now saturday night 9.00, im on my own

as hubby is working nights again, have a bottle of wine open, but god im actually looking at clothes and holiday sights, not

bingo!!. I know its very early days but im normally down by hundreds but still you keep topping up as you said doesnt seem like real money, if i was to go in a shop and spend that i would have a cold sweat. Im feeling a lot better than i did earlier as that money has gone and i cant get it back. I dont have any money at moment so could not play anyway. When i normally play and lose, i normally say well its only money, i cant take it with me, as if that makes it all right. Glad you are 4 weeks free, i was 2 months and had money saved, last night i lost the lot, so this is why i know now, i have to do something to make myself and my family have a better life.

Im so glad iv found this site as this is going to give me back my self respect.

Good luck and thanks again for your support xx

Well its now a week since i last played on line bingo/scratch cards. Still feel that low sinking feeling as i know i have prob lost over a months wages in just 2 nights last week. Good thing is i know cant gamble as i have no money left to use, thats one of my main problems. All my life i have never ever spent money on myself as i dont think i k im worthy of this, never have enough for me to splash the cash! so i have never been one for going out shopping and bringing in loads of goodies. I have always sneakily managed to spend hundreds gambling though! I am so scared that as soon as i get paid in 2 weeks time, that as soon as my wages go in i will start again. My hope is this site, after reading all your stories it has inspired me so much, and i feel

that if i keep coming on here and checking forums and putting down what i am feeling then i can hopefully conquer this horrible illness. Surpisingly its friday night and i am on my own, and i have actually concentrated on a film on the tv which is something which i havent normally been able to do. It is now time for bed and normally i would be taking laptop to bed to try and recoup my losses, tonight i am going straight to bed with a clear conscience.

week 1 - done and looking forward to week 2.

Hi all, am in the same boat too. It's been around 10 days since I last gambled. I started about a year and a half ago. Innocent enough - went to a tab (I'm in Melbourne), won about $80. That was the beginning. Couldn't stop since. Progressively started loosing hundreds every week, I think lost about 35K by now, maybe a bit more. This site has helped me a lot, I haven't been able to stop for 10 days in a row yet. So, am hoping this is it. My vice was slot machines.

Kaz, well done. keep strong

Hi Mary, it is over 10 days now and hope you are keeping off the slot machines. I too started on slot machines, I could go into a arcade and spend all day, changing money constantly, i havent been on a slot machine for over 3 years now, but my problem now is on line gambling. I am due to be paid tomorrow and i am starting to get the feeling, well i wil only start with £20 that wont hurt!, well rather than log on I have come on here to get me in the right frame of mind. I have been searching for holidays on line and know that i could book a holiday and pay out right instead of playing on line bingo and losing it all, I am starting now to count down the days to my next pay day and for me to think i have no spare money, so i cant play because its knowing the money is there that is the problem as i have never ever spent anything on myself as always hiding and saying im hard up because of what i lose. I know the next few days are going to be very hard but i want to come back on in 2 weeks time and say YES i have now booked my holiday. Well heres to the next 2 weeks.

kaz,keep strong tomorrow,go straight online if you feel any urges you can do it.

enjoy your holiday.

Hi Kaz,

How are you going?

I am trying really hard to stay off the slots, had a bit of a relapse, but luckily didn't lose much, around 30 dollars. Its bad enough though, because I was hoping that was it for me. Coming back here helps me a lot, so I just have to make sure I visit the site every day, should be fine then...Slow progress. I asked my friend, who has a gambling problem as well, if she would still play if she knew in advance that she would lose for sure. She said "yes". I was shocked, my answer is definitely no, I can find better things to do with that money. Anyway, sorry for rambling.

Hi Kaz, your not alone i blew my wages in one hit and have to wait till the end of the month too. It is sole destoying and makes you hate yourself. I am in a dark place right now lets hope we can come out the othe side. I could of been on so many holidays instead i am pennieless again. It's such a dark and lonley place.

I feel so ashamed. I can't believe I have put myself in this situuation I have lost thousands and I have no way to pay it back. I have stupidly carried on depositing thinking I'm going to win and I never do and even if I do win I put it all back. I really hate my self. I'm now 800 in debt or more and have no means to pay this and I know I'm going to get charged by my bank for going over as I only have a 100 overdraft. Im such an idiot I feel so anxious and embarassed, why couldn't I stop myself. I'm only 24 and have a young son n feel so bad. I hope this ite helps me and glad I'm not the only one. I have applied for a credit to clear this debt and won't have nothing to show for it. Completely lost and how am I going to pay this off if I don't get approved. Help me!

Didn't think I would ever be back on this site. Just reading my posts from 3 years ago, and guess what, I was cured, or so I thought.

I banned myself from all the usual bingo sites that I used to play, and still played the slots but only on the free ones.

The story of the past 3 years, well I haven't been as happy in my life ever. Pay day comes and money goes into my savings and I have seen this grow and grow, fabulous family holidays in far away places, life just couldn't get any better, or so I thought.

6 weeks ago, my father became ill, nothing serious just old age, he suddenly died last month and well I was devastated. Playing around on my laptop, looking to see where my next holiday was to A pop up advert for online bingo site comes on, well I might just have a little play around, I have more money than I have every dreamed of having at the moment, whats the harm in a few quid.

This morning, I have just checked my bank account and savings, and I am now down to 150 in my current account and 200 in my savings, don't want to bore you with the details but I had enough money to keep me in foreign holidays for the next 5 years.

I am now absolutely disgusted at myself for falling back into the trap of coming home from work, waiting for the hubby to go to work and bang straight on the lap top to try and win back what I lost the day before. I have never felt so low as I do now, I hate myself for what I have become, or what I am, A gambler top and bottom of it, it will never go away, just when you think life is perfect, then the dreaded gambling takes it all away.

Its going to take me another 2 years to get my savings anywhere near to where they were, and all I need is hubby to say, we are going to do this etc and can you transfer some money to buy it, im going to be absolutely up the creek without a paddle !!

I know I conquered it before, but I just feel so angry that I have given in again, as if I already didn't know, its a mugs game but the urge will always be there. I have now stopped myself from logging in as last night after a bottle or two of wine I have been back on and lost another pocketful.

If my family ever found out, well I really don't want to think about it, they have all been so proud of me at the way I have been and not only have I let them down, most of all I have let myself down big style.

Hi Kaz - First of all, well done for having the courage to come back here and for wanting to quite this destructive addiction once and for all. But don't be too hard on yourself - gambling gets at us when we are usually at our most vulnerable, even if we don't recognise it at the time. With you obviously it was the sadness about your father - it's perfectly understandable to seek an escape at times like these. Unfortunately for us we go to something which is never going to make us feel better in the long term.

I am sure you know this already, and may have done it, but you must self-exclude and if possible install a blocking program such as K9 on your PC. Of course this may be difficult if all the family uses it.

I can fully understand your wanting to hid this relapse from your husband and family, but could you bring yourself to tell them?

Their first reaction may be disappointment, even anger, but if you show them that you are really pulling out all the stops to quit then I am sure they will support you. Perhaps you could hand over your accounts to your husband to manage and thus avoid any temptation that way.

Anyway, whatever you decide, you know that you will always find support and encouragement here. Come and joint us on the 2014 Challenge on the 'Overcoming problem gambling' page. You need to commit seriously to quitting and then check in once a week. It's a team effort, very supportive and fun - it may help you keep to your resolve.

Best wishes,

Joanna