Hi everyone, I have just joined the site. I’m not sure anyone can help but I guess I have no one else to talk to. I’m married with children, and have a professional career. My life looks perfect but no one knows, not even my husband, that it’s not. I suffer with anxiety and depression, that I’ve managed to hide, and take medication for this. I worry a lot because there have been several suicides in my family, and I worry that one day the same will happen to me. I really don’t know how I get up each morning, and do my job, as I am up every night worrying. Not just about the above, but now in relation to my finances. I started online gambling a couple of years ago, mainly slots/ bingo, I lost a lot, but not compared to others. I stopped doing this about a year ago and felt so much better for this. However, about 2 months ago, I joined a site, and the same happened again. Last weekend I won all of my money back, and my husband also sent me £4000 to pay for work we are having done on our property, which is due next week. I therefore had his money in my account, and also 4K winnings. The inevitable happened and this week, bearing in mind it’s only Friday, I have lost everything. I have £1000 left in my account. I can live with losing my money, but I’ve lost my husbands money and I am due to pay for the work we have had done on Tuesday which I am now £3000 short for. I can’t believe I’ve done this. I can’t tell him as he had no idea, I feel like such a failure! I am a failure! The only reason I keep going is because of my kids, I wouldn’t be here writing this post otherwise. Thank you for listening.
Dear @belle,
welcome to the Forum and thank you for sharing what has been going on for you. I am so sorry to hear about the loved ones you've lost to suicide in the past, I can imagine this is a trauma that needs a lot to overcome.
I am also really sorry to hear that you not only are dealing with your gambling problem on your own, but also depression and anxiety. Especially if you are feeling suicidal at the moment I would urge you to speak to your GP, call the Samaritans and reach out to us. Please know you are not alone, help is out there and you can reach out in discrete ways to help you on the road to recovery.
Please know just because people around you have died by suicide it doesn't have to mean this will happen to you as well. Especially if you are able to open up and get the support and help you need. I am glad that the love for your children will keep you safe for now.
Please call us any time, we are here 24/7. You can call on the Helpline on 0808 8020133 or if you'd like the call to be more discrete speak to an adviser 1-2-1 on our Netline.
Please also keep posting on the Forum and share what has been going on.
Wishing you all the very best,
Eva
Forum Admin
Thank you ?
In my experience Belle, I gambled not because I am weak or just not good, but I have an illness which when I gamble I am powerless to stop.
When I told my family the truth, I was so worried that they were going to judge me, but they didn't. They jsut wanted me to get help. I think that telling your husband the truth would be the first step, but just my opininon.
Hi Belle,
I am fairly new to this myself but a few years ago I hit a brick wall and owed out around 20k - so in comparison 3k isn’t much. My dad got me a loan after opening up to him to bail me out. I relapsed a year or so later but at the time opening up to him and getting the short term help worked wonders. I would advise you do the same to pull you out the short term hole ur in then focus on yourself. If people don’t know they can’t help - don’t do anything stupid it’s only money at the end of the day and there’s always another day. Pain is temporary.
Matt
Hi Matt
Thank you for your message. You’re absolutely right in that in that it is only money and pain is temporary. I’m glad you received support from your dad, and I hope things have improved for you now. I know 3k isn’t a lot compared to others, and I know in time, I will get over everything else I have lost. My problem is I just can’t bring myself to tell anyone, and I only have my sister who is also not in a good place. My husband hasn’t any idea, and he will understandably go absolutely mad when he finds out.
Hi Belle
The best advice I can give is that you can't fix everything all at once. Take it one day at a time, but do look to make progress. What can you do to stop gambling (blocks etc.). Then who can you open up to?
Matt is spot on - money comes and goes so don't fixate on what could have been. Focus on what can be. That's completely in your hands if you take it step by step. Everyone on here will support you as much as they can.
Take care of yourself
SJ
Hi belle. Reaching out for help here means you are fighting this, even though you think your not. Asking for help takes courage and I'm so pleased that you've reached out. Do you mean that as well as gambling you've hidden your anxiety/ depression ? If you have that's a very lonely place to be . The time is fast approaching that you will either have to own up to your gambling or get found out, I waited way too long and got found out but with help I've stopped. I too suffer with anxiety/depression and am on meds but with stopping gambling I'm feeling a lot stronger,calmer,happier. I fully understand your fear of suicide but as Eva from the forum admin said that doesn't have to be you, fear of suicide is different to being suicidal . Anxiety/ depression causes intrusive thoughts and you need to find a way of dispelling them, I'm getting them much less now and I'm sure it's because I'm not lying anymore, no big secrets, no deceit. It eats you up and turns you into a person that you find hard to live with I feel happier in my own skin now. I can't tell you what to do as I don't know you your husband or what your relationship is like all I can say that for me after the initial terrible upset things are working out and rebuilding in a much more open and honest way. If you have to pay the money Tues you don't have long to think about it, gambling again though is not the answer believe me it gets worse. Best wishes and hope you find a way through the advisors here are really good give them a call talk it through. Hope to hear from you again
Hi SJ
Thank you for your message. I have closed my account and have no intention of ever gambling again. I just don’t know yet who I can open up to. It helps writing this down though.
Hi Charlie
Thank you for your message. Yes I’ve hid everything, I feel I am living a lie, and yes it is a very lonely place to be. I guess I’m embarrassed, and because I’ve always been seen as the strong one, where people come to me with their problems, I have never been able to open up or put my problems on anyone else. I think it’s because so much happened in my childhood, I had to be strong for my sibling and mother, and then as an adult, bad stuff continued to happen and I didn’t want anyone worrying about me when so much stuff was already going on. I have thoughts of ending it all, but never would. I only have to look at my children and know that would ruin their lives. In regards to my husband, he’s had a pretty ‘normal’ life, and he struggles to empathize with others. He will most certainly leave me, that I’m sure of. He’s never really been one I could share my problems with, but I guess no one has, so that’s probably my issue.
It’s really good to hear you are feeling much better and I’m really glad that things are starting to work out.
Thank you everyone for listening.
Hi Belle,
Although I've been a member here for nearly 2 years. I have only started to seek help for my addiction in the last few days so all I can say to you is please please talk to people. I felt like you until less than a week ago when I left a note and drove all night before I was found hundreds of miles away. No-one can guarantee how your family would react and there is no doubt a very long difficult road ahead for us both but talking to your family and getting the support needed relieves so much pressure from your life. I know my marriage may not survive this in the long run but I can now be honest and do not have to deal with this alone. I wish you well.
Firstly I understand your situation about not wanting to admit what you've done to your husband but there is no magical solution to this. Let's say you end up borrowing it then that's a secret you need to keep from him. If you try to win it back then that's normally what gets us into more trouble. When I first went to my wife with a situation like yours I too was convinced she would leave me. I made it worse and worse and when I had no choice she said if only I'd come to her earlier. The smaller problem would have been easier to fix than the bigger one! She didn't leave me but supported me. All you can do is talk to your husband and hope that he sees that you have a problem.
As far as the actual amount is concerned, it doesn't matter how big the debt is, it's giving you a problem. £3K or £20K is irrelevant. Being bailed out isn't a solution, it's enabling the problem to not get dealt with, as Matt has mentioned he relapsed a year later. It might sound a good idea that by coming clean you'll get bailed out but that's manipulative behaviour in keeping with with problem gambling.
There's always someone with a bigger financial problem and someone with a smaller one. The problems to the individual are still the same.
Everyday you leave this it will get worse in your head. Better to face it head on as soon as you can. What happens afterwards will happen, but you won't be carrying around this problem any more.
All the best
Chris.
Hi Hawkeye19,
Sorry to hear you’ve experienced similar difficulties, it’s not a nice place to be. What made you leave a note at that time? I hope you’re ok.
Hi Belle,
Welcome to the forum.
I feel your pain. I’ve been there and its a difficult place to be. The good news is that it doesn’t need to be this way. You are capable of stopping and improving your life immeasurably and it can happen quickly.
Accept that the money is gone and choose to never lose again. Perhaps controversial however, I think gambling addiction is like most addictions. It can be broken. For me, its hardest at the start and gets progressively easier. Include new things to your life. I started consistently running. Again, hard at the beginning but I got better and better. The running was for my mind and body. If I could feel better I stood a chance of overcoming the mental issues - constant worry, sadness, regret, feeling down etc. Running made me feel better. With that I was able to stay on track with not gambling.
Today, I am 323 days gamble free. 324 days ago I lost £7200 in under an hour playing roulette. I was hopelessly addicted and out of control. I was lazy, lethargic, had no energy and absolutely no motivation. Today, I am the exact opposite of all of that. It’s possible but you need to want it.
Stop now. Build the life you want.
RR
Firstly I understand your situation about not wanting to admit what you've done to your husband but there is no magical solution to this. Let's say you end up borrowing it then that's a secret you need to keep from him. If you try to win it back then that's normally what gets us into more trouble. When I first went to my wife with a situation like yours I too was convinced she would leave me. I made it worse and worse and when I had no choice she said if only I'd come to her earlier. The smaller problem would have been easier to fix than the bigger one! She didn't leave me but supported me. All you can do is talk to your husband and hope that he sees that you have a problem.
As far as the actual amount is concerned, it doesn't matter how big the debt is, it's giving you a problem. £3K or £20K is irrelevant. Being bailed out isn't a solution, it's enabling the problem to not get dealt with, as Matt has mentioned he relapsed a year later. It might sound a good idea that by coming clean you'll get bailed out but that's manipulative behaviour in keeping with with problem gambling.
There's always someone with a bigger financial problem and someone with a smaller one. The problems to the individual are still the same.
Everyday you leave this it will get worse in your head. Better to face it head on as soon as you can. What happens afterwards will happen, but you won't be carrying around this problem any more.
All the best
Chris.
Chris,
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying bail out is the answer it just helped me get through short term. I should have continued to work on myself but became complacent. Everyone is different but if help / support is there both mentally and financially grab it with both hands is all im saying.
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