New member - I need help :(

Belle,

I had completely lost control and I had convinced myself there was no way out of the mess I had created. In just 3-4 days I have been totally honest with my wife for the first time in years, have reached out for support to beat my addiction, have sought medical help through my GP, have started the ball rolling with managing  debt (although I need to show I have not gambled for a month before this can progress further). Its a frightening time admittedly but I know I have done the best thing seeking help.

I hope you find the strength too.

@matthew4788 That is the trouble, getting short term help. Believe me, whenever I was in a desperate situation I took any help I could. The trouble is I didn't have to face the consequences of my actions and ultimately I did things again and again. When someone took on a debt for me or leant me money it just gave me more freedom to carry on with my gambling once the situation has calmed down.

Are you still paying back your dad, did you ever pay it back or did he just cover you? What does he think now that you've relapsed? In all honesty, but with hindsight, all getting bailed out did was postpone the inevitable situation where there was no bailout and I had to face my mistakes. Actually facing them helped for a while before I also got complacent.

The only way I've been able to stay clean, up to today, is work with GA and do a program of change, the 12 steps, but that was after a year of abstaince with GA first. 

Chris.

Chris - I’m not doubting you mate all I was saying was sometimes it can help short term while you get yourself together and in order. If your panicking not knowing how to survive your not thinking clearly and that’s when disaster can strike, Am not going to argue with you 1000+ days your flying.. you know way more than me but that helped me short term. Paid it all back yes just recently .. 6 months ago and it was a hard lesson il never fall into again. 1000+ days is a long time i hope you can still remember the short term pain people go through when their worlds are caving in around them - all I’m suggesting is if help is there use it then recover. For me I was complacent my own fault but I didn’t do your methods with 12 steps etc. 

matt 

Thank you everyone for your messages and advice, I really appreciate it. I understand why I have been advised to tell my husband, and that’s the advice I would have given, however I just can’t. I know I need to raise the money somehow by Tuesday, but I still can’t tell him. I have no intention to ever gamble again and have taken the appropriate action to ensure that I am not able to. The thought of doing so makes me feel physically sick. I didn’t even have the urge to gamble away my last £1000 because I never want to feel like this again. I have looked at my online banking statement and am absolutely mortified with how much I’ve spent. I finished work and sat in my car for over an hour before driving home because I can’t even face being at home with my fake smile etc. I’m here though and trying. Thanks again. 

Matt, it's not about knowing more or even the time clean, it's because I do remember every single time at different levels during my life that I hope my experience and advice means someone else doesn't have to do what I did or make the mistakes I made. 

Anyway, this isn't the place for argument but support so I wish you well in your recovery.

Chris.

Hi belle good luck to you but please beware and get help. I regularly had that sick feeling, churning stomach ,heart thumping it doesn't last ultimately you will gamble again . Read the many many stories on here gambling is a cruel addiction that steals your soul. Even if once again it's in secret just get some help to get to 72 days without gambling I've 1.. Blocked access to sites. 2... Given my husband control of our finances.....3 had an 8session course of counselling arranged by gamcare. 4... Used this site many times daily...5 started GA meetings and I'm committed to continuing with this. I hope I'm wrong belle I hope you can just stop and never gamble again.... Best wishes

Hi Charlie 

I’m pleased you have got to 72 days, that’s brilliant. I will be logging on daily, this is the first day for me, so it’s just the start of my new life.

Hi Belle, 

I completely understand where you are coming from. I can't talk to my fiance either as he too would go ballistic. I know that means living a lie but for the sake of my relationship I need to. I have, however told my parents that I have a problem and they have been very supportive. I have gambled for years and my partner knows I like to have a go on the slots but he has no idea to what extent and how much I have spent. I lost a lot of money in a week in July and my mental health plummeted. I realised I needed to do something and put blocks on and found this site. If you have no one you are able to talk to then I would recommend counselling. You really need to look after yourself Belle. I can't advise about the money situation as mine is a wreck but I have had to move on and put in place a plan for paying my debts off. I am happy to talk with you at any time.

Take care of yourself Belle

Kelly 

Hi Kelly

Thank you for your message. It’s so hard isn’t it, but I’m glad someone understands why it’s not always possible to share with our significant others. 

How are you doing? I will be accessing counselling, although I struggle massively with sharing how I feel. 

I’m also here if you ever need to chat. 

@belle.

I don't want to sound like a broken record so I'll only say one more thing on the part of admitting to a partner. 

I know it makes you feel better by finding someone who "understands" about not telling our partners, but in reality no one ever felt good or happy about having to come clean. It petrified me because I was convinced she would leave me. Before I got to that stage I went through every scenario to get the money. My mum, my sister, a loan, my friends, anything to get that money. I cleared myself of my financial problem and I was elated. No more problem. Until I did it again and again until there was no where to go.

The whole point of admitting to someone isn't for him. It's for you. It gives you a chance to get rid of those feelings and secrets that you're keeping. I don't know how he'll react, tbh it doesn't matter. But getting rid of the secrets is what's liberating. 

I know you'll never gamble again and I don't understand your situation, all I can do is offer 30 years of gamblers anonymous experience.

I'm done now, I hope your anxiety goes, and I hope you manage to sort out your short term problem for Tuesday and long term gambling problem by whichever "method" helps you best.

Chris.

Thanks Chris, the thing is, I know you’re right, that’s the advice I would give, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I hope you’re well, and thanks again for the advice. I feel better just by talking on here, and I know it’s only early days, but it’s a start. 

Hi Belle,

Look nothing new here from me but just imagine if your partner finds out before you tell him and how that will go down. That will be 10 times worse. For years I was trying to figure a way out of my situation where I was in a lot more than 20K in debt and even still I couldn't stop or tell anyone of my predicament. I only stopped as I was caught by my partner and I was very lucky to not be thrown out of the house. The next 6 months were very raw, extremely raw and I didn't think we would make it through. It's not easy, far from it. Like you I had someone I didn't want to tell - my parents. I wanted to stop gambling and retrospectively tell them maybe when I was a year or two clean. However I bit the bullet and told them. It was by far and away the hardest thing I have ever done and it absolutely crushed them. My mother was bed ridden with anxiety for two full days and my father said she wouldn't stop crying. She said it was worse than finding out my younger brother had a brain tumor. My father was disgusted and the relationship suffered. But then they rallied around me, texted me messages of support and kept encouraging me to keep going. Obviously there is still hurt there but so much more love. Look I don't want to label your partner as a bad guy, but if you are completely honest with him, promise to put in the effort and he still doesn't want you in his life, well then that's his decision. I've found now that what other people think is there business, I can't change that and once I've accepted that, it has made it a lot easier for me to tell other friends and family. Am I embarrassed of course I am - I am absolutely mortified with some of the things I did over the years but that's gone now. All I can do is "the next right thing". Anyway I hope you make the right decision for you and I wish you luck.

Happy