New to this

Hi,

Im 25 and have been gambling online for the last 2  and half years. 

In this time I have lost and won a lot of money, of course the losses were much bigger than the wins.

It all started when someone I know told me they won a £1000 on roulette,  with the addictive personality I have I thought wow I will give that a try and signed up with a £30 deposit and that was it .As the months progressed the amount I bet increased largely.  It was almost like the value of money had changed for me. I had  never had a lot of money and so a hundred pound win seemed huge as did a hundred pound loss. But soon that turned in to a £3000 win and chucking a hundred a time into my account to bet seemed like nothing. 

I remember being up by a few thousand pound and that's when I thought enough is enough let's finish on a high. But a month later that was all gone and I was £2000 in debt. Ever since then it has been a case of chasing my losses . Sometimes I would break even  but then I would just bet it all again and then get out loans to try and win it back. I couldn't understand why I kept doing this to myself.

My personal life wasn't great when I started gambling, I was in a bad relationship, a dead end part time job and I  wasn't happy so I put my gambling down to that, the excitement made me feel better but then the crazy losses made me feel so low and I kept this secret gambling life all to my self. No one to talk to. My life was pretty depressing.

A few months later I confided in a work friend, and admitted my problems it helped to talk but it didn't change anything in regards to my gambling. I borrowed money off my family to get me out of messes, lying to them about what it was for. I felt awful for doing this but it still didn't stop me.

Fast forward a few months and that work friend became my girlfriend. I was out of my toxic relationship and now with the most amazing girl, we live together now and for the past year I have put  her through hell . She has put up with my lies, she has taken out loans for me to cover huge pay day loans. I saw her heart break everytime I told her "I did it again" . Why didn't  that stop me. I was gambling every day.

I wanted to stop, I had even set up blocks and downloaded gamban  but I'm sure as you all know there are still ways. I hate that this thing takes over me, as I'm normally a kind, loving person. But this part of me makes me lie and hurt people and I hate it.

The last few months have been different , my girlfriend was on the verge of leaving me. And I would go a few days at a time without gambling . Which may seem like nothing, but was quite an achievement for me. I recently got a new job, a good job. So, I knew it was time to change, I had an amazing girlfriend and an amazing job . A lot more to lose than just money. I went  about week without gambling and then I did it again . Racking up a debt neither me or my girlfriend could afford to pay off. So I told my dad this was huge and I was scared to tell him as no one in my family knew. I thought he was going to hate me for it but he was surprisingly supportive and loaned me the money to pay off my debt with the promise that was the only time he would help me with gambling debt and that I had to stop.

I knew this was my last chance to get any financial help if I messed up, my credit is so bad there is no way I can get a proper  loan . My dad definitely won't help again. Not only that my girlfriends threats to leave me are becoming ever more serious each time . 

So on the line for me now is my girlfriend, my job ( because I would have to move back to my hometown), my dad. Everything  I love. So I stopped for 5 weeks, a long time and my girlfriend was so proud she seemed happy again. I felt happy I felt in control of the problem. But sadly today I gambled . I got out a pay day loan of a £100 (as my girlfriend holds my wages in her account so that I dont gamble it) and I lost it.

I'm so ashamed and would love to talk to someone who is going through a similar thing, someone who understands this evil addiction. 

Thanks.