Panic

Hello Souffle,

I know this isn't what you want to hear but the main thing you need to do is get help for your gambling problem. The money isn't the real issue. Like me you chased losses but you've continued taking bigger risks with larger sums. A gambling addiction is progressive, much like your debts have been. Saying "i need to get rid of this 5k debt ASAP" is exactly the problem. The obvious answer to a compulsive gambler is to "win it" or get someone to bail you out. It sounds like the panic is the fact that you have now reached that point (as i did) that you know you can't hide this now. So blow it open. Tell people. Eventually you have to face up to this, use this opportunity to admit you've been wrapped up in this mess and get the help and support you need to get out of it. Keeping secrets is part of this addiction. Blocking access to gambling is a start but its not the one stop fix all. Once we've reached this point its not a case of just saying "ok, i won't ever gamble again". The amount of times i've told myself that before. You've gambled and gambled, chasing until the credit sources have all dried up, once you have available credit again and the pain has lessened you very likely use that to try pay things off faster so no one needs to know about what you've done and the cycle continues.

"Getting rid of that 5k debt" isn't going to solve as much as you think and im not sure what you are asking by saying that you need that debt gone ASAP? Your mum has bailed you out before and keeping this a secret hasn't helped you in the past and it won't help you in the future. Its sounds like she is also having to keep secrets about money given to you.

You can get help but you need to ask for it.

Do what you know deep down you have to do and make this the end of it or it will continue. There is a way out but its accepting whats gone, drawing a line under the losses and working on recovery.

All the best.

Hi there,

Reading your story I could see so much of myself in your post. I started gambling 3 years ago as I have always been desperate for a mortgage. I never earnt enough to save and stupidly fell into the trap of believeing I could win deposit money! Anyway 3 years down the line I’m 18k in debt, lost 7k of savings and my credit rating is shot from payday loans and credit searches. I have handed over all my finances to my other half. It’s now going to take me 3 years to clear my debt, and repair my credit rating. I could have had my mortgage dream by now but instead I ruined it. What I want to say to you is good intentions aren’t good enough to stop the gambling. I am having counselling and along with severe anxiety and depression taking antidepressants. I do feel better and clearer headed, but it’s a long road. Our addictions can’t be stopped over night. Tell your Mum you need the support. Ask her to keep it private as you need your dad not to know. When you have support, counselling in place, no control over finances, and places like this forum to vent you will be on the road to recovery. You can do it, don’t give up. I am 34 and you are young too. We can get better and live life again. If you ever want to talk just drop me message

Hi soufflГ© it's great that you're reaching out for support and advice. You're saying you can't gamble because you don't have the money. You can't gamble because you can't stop! The debt is there, it's yours. If you take a 'bailout' it will not help. Acceptance is hard but that's what you have to do. The money is gone. Talk to gamcare. Talk to your boyfriend. Don't be scared. Addiction feeds on secrets and lies. Block your phone or change it for a brick. Call your provider to remove internet if you don't need it, plus it's cheaper. Ask someone to look after your finances or cards. You are the only one who can do this. You have to want to stop.

Hello soufflГ©,

So the panic has set in, the realisation of what you have done is consuming you, health being affected, you're thinking about the consequences, worked out who can know and who MUST not, your bf thinking one thing but the truth is far from it.......and of course the £5k debt. The last item on that list is the LEAST important. Can you put a monetary value on losing relationships, losing trust, your own health and sanity? I know you are in panic mode but you really need to address the gambling problem first. Let's say you get bailed out, buy the house then do it again......but cannot pay your mortgage? Lose the house, lose bf then? This is an opportunity to address this. Your bf also should not enter into a financial commitment as huge as this with a gambling secret lurking beneath it all......that would have major repercussions for him too, and not be fair. You have a lot to think about.

Take another twelve months, address the issue, pay off the debts and start saving. If that is the only consequence from your gambling then you got off lightly. There is no magic fix for this, just time, dedication and a lot of honesty from your part to those who you care about.

Keep posting, apologies if this isn't what you want to hear right now.

Abet

Hi Souffle

Welcome to the forum.

You need help for the real issue which goes deeper than the panic feelings that are mixed in now. You need to reach for a born again moment and it is about telling people in the right way. You may not like to hear this at this moment of confusion but its not about being bailed again by family and they need to know that you are seeking help and are not actually to be given any more money or have your debts paid off by them. What I mean there is you will need cast iron agreements and your money being looked after by someone else while you heal

The quick get out is not the real thing you should be seeking. There is no shame in admitting that gambling got to you. You will learn about the addiction and its not that you are an idiot or stupid. Its a far deeper form of mind control and it can not be beaten just with casual willpower.

There is a right way to tell people close and you actually need all the help and you need to be living on a small allowance while your mind takes all this in and starts to heal.

You are naturally panicking now as we all did. Your family love you and of course they will be shocked. However that is better than secrets and thinking you can go it alone.

The main thing is your mental state of mind so please be aware that the debts can wait. Your family need to know what you have done and they must not throw good money after bad if you are an active gambler.

They need to be aware how dangerous the addiction can be so they can help properly. Are you now ready because you must now abstain from all gambling and reach out for all the help and advice.

When the gambling stops the rest will fall into place over time. You need a full financial checkup and full blocks in place. You are rushing ahead of yourself thinking about mortgages. Look at the here and now. I can give you the benefit of my experience. I had a head full of noise and I was bankrupt by the age of 26. I continued to overspend and gamble for 24 years after that. I finally started learning my lesson at 50.

You have your life ahead of you and if you enter recovery now you will save the quality of your life

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi

First of all stop beating yourself up- we all fell into the same trap you are not an idiot or a moron, you have recognised early on your problem you now must deal with it. get help for the gambling- u mentioned in your post that the only reason you arent gambling at the moment is because you havent got the funds. when this changes you need to be absolutely confident you wont do it again. Get help with blocking software and gamcare advice.

Second- tell your boyfriend- i cant describe to you the relief that having someone in your corner will do for you. i feel from your post you could do with that lift.

Stick with it- take comfort in the thought that you will do your damdest not to ever feel this low again.

All the best

I so much appreciate all the comments. Didn't expect so many people to reply. Thank you all.
I am rather conflicted in how I feel at the moment though . Many of you have tried to show me the real issue is the gambling n not the debt or morgage. Which I can completely understand why as this is a gambling problem forum after all. And perhaps I do need to give a larger weighting to this being the main problem because of course it is a problem. But I do need something to actually give me some hope. I'm sorry if this isn't what I should be saying and if I should be just focusing on the gambling problem here but I just can't. I need hope. I need hope that I haven't ruined my entire life. I need another bail out. I don't know how that's even possible but I do.

I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details of my life. I've always got one problem or another it seems. From drugs to self harm in the past and various bouts of depression and obviously now gambling over the last however many years. I know its some weird cycle of self sabotage or something, it's like part of me is determined to make me miserable. But all that's really neither here nor there.

I personally feel that it's the desire to get out of the debt and get the morgage that has done this. Not that the gambling has caused me to generate that as an excuse for why I did it. And therefore if I had debt under control and a morgage I wouldn't then be gambling away my monthly morgage payments until my house got taken away from me.
Maybe I'm just being naive about that but I honestly don't see that I would. But of course there is that possiblity that the lure of the gamble is too much and I'll always find a reason or an excuse like I dunno, trying to gamble to win the morgage payment one month losing and trying to chase it back or something. And I'll obviously have to live my life knowing that's a real possibility and have safeguards in place to stop me.

I know I need to stop and deal with this. I know the moneys gone I need to accept that. But I do need a 'bail out' I mean I'll still have to pay it back I'll still have to deal with the consequence of yet more debt to pay off over more years. But I do need to be in a position to get a morgage by this time next year.

I still haven't told my mum yet. I really am just dreading it. Not that I'm suggesting it should be any sort of enjoyable experience or something. But I really don't know if she's actually going to even be able to help me. And at the end of the day it isn't her fault and isn't her problem or her responsibility. And it's a really horrible position for me to put her in really. Because she will understand why my dad cannot be apart of this. And if she does want to get him involved in order to help me. My life truly will be miserable.

If me and my mum figure out a plan I will tell my boyfriend. I'd feel better telling him knowing I can tell him I'm sorting it. That I've got debt under control. Mums took over all my finances. I've blocked any access to gamble and that I'm doing overtime to compensate for the savings I should have had by now. He'll obv still be disappointed but Atleast it won't dishearten him into s******g all his savings or something. And I have been a moody cow and snappy with him and protective over my phone. And he does deserve me to be honest. But I dunno I'd rather tell him when I've got a plan in place rather than just as a mess apologising for s******g up. Again.

I've spent more money the last few days, another last few attempts at hoping for a miracle I suppose. And I now owe my brother money because I gambled away money that should of paid a bill that was coming out. And I'll most certainly be over my overdraft limit by the end of the month.

Time is running out. And I need to tell her and sort my life out.

I wish I was coming on here with something more positive to say. That I'd told her or that I'd not gambled or just something remotely positive but I'm just dipping in and out of that panic state losing sleep and exhausted with the stress.

Heya,

I'm now onto my third response. My advice is google gambling and mortgages to get the facts. If you really want me to state the facts then happy to. I did tap out the what ifs and maybes but I doubt that will be what you want to hear. Basic facts are they look for six months bank transactions and want to see a healthy routine of income and expenditure. One gambling transaction can result in a declined application. Gambling sites do credit searches for identity and money laundering reasons and can leave a hard search on your credit file. Best check searches on credit file.

They are responsible lenders so want to make sure you are in control of your finances. Even a suspect "bail out" will get them asking questions as they tend to ask where you got your deposit from. Even a big gambling win would result in your application being declined as it is high risk.

These are the reasons that I highly recommend you telling your bf. You could sort a contingency plan and he wouldn't have any surprises in the brokers office if you were declined for gambling reasons. Knowledge is power and both of you need to know where the land lies when taking on a huge financial commitment.

All the best!

Ok.....so being more proactive.....steps to take.

Google gambling and mortgages.

Keep working overtime.

Get a decent plan together to replace money and "catch up" with savings.

Check multiple credit agencies.

Address the gambling issue.

Self exclude, put k9 on devices and phone gamcare.

Be HONEST with bf. Tell him the issue, what you have done to put it right, explain your airtight blocks and tell him because you want to be honest and not allow him to enter into such a massive financial commitment without him knowing the facts.

Show you mean it.......we all make mistakes and we can put them right. Give him full transparency with your finances. Honesty will get you through this.

How do I know? I did all the above with my partner and we worked together to put it right. Over two years gamble free now and it's not even mentioned now as it isn't a problem. Life long commitment to never gamble again and two years into honouring that. It will take a lifetime to prove but I'm happy to do that.

More positivity there......go for it!

Cheers

I’m in a similar situation. Loans and credit cards and got money from my parents to pay it if and pay them back but just racked it all back up. I don’t want to tell my wife because I fear she will leave me and we have just had a baby. Fingers crossed I can stop spending it and start paying the debt off... good luck !

Hi souffle.

You need to focus on you first and we do recommend that you tell everybody close in the right way. You are rushing ahead of yourself with talk of mortgages etc. Have some counselling or a chat with the doctor. Find someone who you can talk things through with. Gambling is often a sign of depression and escape. You need to learn about the addiction and the real reasons why people gamble to extinction

There is ultimately no shame in admitting gambling got to you. I have experienced depression all my life and there is no shame in admitting that

With respect your comment is in the ifs and buts territory. We recommend you tell your boyfriend and you tell your mum and dad. I dont know your relationship but get the words out there as they can help, monitor and support you. This is about sorting yourself out first. It seems to me that you have the gambling compulsion in you and that must be beaten before any talk about working overtime, mortgages or keeping up with the Joneses

Deep breaths and then take one step at a time. With help comes a certain calmness. Its not about treating you like a baby. If you are ready to stop you wont mind the help and control of your finances on an ongoing basis.

So please let us know one step at a time what you mum and dad will do and what your boyfriend will do to help. Again you seem scared of your dads reaction. Im saying that the real thing to be scared about is what you have been doing with money by gambling. If you have any relationship with them at all they will understand and help you.

Fear gambling as that is the real issue to be sorted first. You must not gamble again.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hello Souffle,

Well done for joining the forum and sharing your thoughts and feelings here.

You've described how the stress you are feeling is leaving you exhausted. If you are feeling overwhelmed, one way forward could be to use more support so that you feel less burdened and more resourced. You're welcome to call us on our freephone 0808 8020 133 for emotional support, or to get details of other types of help like our free counselling appointment services.

Take care,

Forum admin.

It's been a little while since I posted, because I still hadn't done anything. Been feeling worse n worse this last week. Really depressed to be honest. Day to day life has just been a miserable struggle. Haven't gambled since before I last posted but I still haven't been paid so it's not like that's any sort of achievement.

But I got up early today, it was my day off. Prepared food for tonight's dinner then went round to see my mum to tell her everything. Time kept going and I still hadn't told her, I needed to get back to cook and was running out of time, took me about 2 hours to muster up the courage to say something, i knew I had to or I wouldn't get another chance to tell her for yet another week and I've put it off long enough.
I started off by saying I had something to tell her and I've been putting it off because I know she's going to hate me, she sort of smiled and was like how can I hate you? I just burst into tears and said because I hate me!

Anyway, we talked and i feel both better and worse for telling her. She agrees we can't tell my dad, and she's going to try and help me pay all the debt off and I told her I'll canx credit cards n get her to look after my bank card and do overtime n stuff.
So yeah I've started to accept that I need to pay all of this off, then pay mum back whatever she's ended up giving me to help, and only then can I go back to work on saving for the morgage.
It's not an easy thing to accept for me, but it's the only way to fix the mess I've put myself in.

Feel really guilty that I've dragged her into my mess. But at the same time relieved that she hugged me rather than idk screamed or hit me or something. I really didn't know what reaction to expect from her.
But she did say some of the phrases that you hear on here, it's done now, moneys gone now etc, she was more understanding than I thought. And there's no way i can disappoint her or myself again.

Now that I've told her I'm intending to tell the bf tonight too. Mum told me I should tell him and I know I should. I'm obv not happy to be telling him but I'm less worried than I was about telling my mum. I think he will be partly relieved to have a reason for my odd behaviour the last few weeks if nothing else.

I'll update when I've told him.

But now that I've finally opened my mouth hopefully I'll start making real progress.

well done on opening up to your mum souffle, it will be a relief and weight off your shoulders, she is on your side to help