Pregnant and just found out about partners gambling

Dear @ellarosa93

I am so sorry to read about how you have been affected by your partners gambling. You have such a lot to cope with at the moment and this sounds like a stressful time for you. I can understand why you would be feeling so low and I would encourage you to speak with your GP about this if you have not already done so.

Please do not feel that any of this is your fault or doing, it is not. I understand how upset you must be to be so affected twice but you have done nothing to cause this.

You mention that you are waiting for a counselling appointment next week and that this seems so far away. Remember that our Advisors are available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week to listen to you and offer support whilst you wait for counselling. We are also here for you at any time going forward. You can contact us via our netline or call our helpline on 0808 8020 133.

I have a link for you to ‘Relate’ who have trained counsellors to support relationships difficulties. Please speak with them if you feel this would help - https://www.relate.org.uk/ . You can call them on 0300 0030396 to book a telephone appointment or use their on-line service.

You don't mention whether any debt is a cause for concern but can also speak with experts on debt with either Stepchange at https://www.stepchange.org/  or call them on 0800 138 1111 or the National Debtline - https://www.nationaldebtline.org/ or call 0808 808 4000.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Kind regards

Jo

Hi Ella

I'm new too - thanks for sharing your story. I haven't shared mine yet but I already feel relieved hearing one that sounds similar to mine (although, I can only imagine how much harder this is when you're pregnant). I came out of a past relationship that was affected by addiction and when I found my current partner - I too, thought he had his s**t together. I knew he wasn't perfect but I believed his issues didn't involve addiction and that was a huge relief as he knew how tough it had been for me in my previous relationship.

I found out a week ago that he has a gambling addiction. Truth be told, I know he is also on this site trying to get help and I'm nervous about oversharing. But the point is, my world was literally turned upside down. I feel like you - how did I land myself in this position once again?! I feel robbed of our future and I'm questioning every aspect and memory of our relationship up to this point. Questioning what was real and what wasn't and how the hell are you supposed to move forward from here?

The future I envisioned looked like a partnership, not one where I have to take control of his finances and look after both our monies. That's something I never wanted to do but I will have to if I want this relationship to work. This man made me so happy but this has changed everything and so I'm taking this one day at a time - desperately trying to do things the right way. What I have learnt since he told me, and also since being in therapy, is that it's so important to look after ourselves right now - especially for you and your baby. I think if we accept the future we hoped for is now gone then we can repaint new ones - with or without our current partners in it. I realised the future I imagined simply has to change because addiction changes everything and if I want a future with my partner then I have to paint this dark shadow into it also.

For me, I think I'm going to stay with him but I will hold myself to nothing and we will both need support in doing so. Our wedding will be put on pause, as will buying a house together. These things can't progress until I can see what this new relationship will look like. That's where I'm at anyway, I hope that helps? Thank you for sharing your story - it's good to know that while we're on here, we're not on our own xx

Hi @ellarosa93

Just read your post and I can relate to a lot of what you're saying!

I discovered on Friday that my Partney of 18 months has a gambling problem and I've still yet to confront him about it so hats off to you for being able to do that!

I feel for you so much that you're also going through a pregnancy which should be the happiest and exciting time for you both!

I haven't been with a gambler before, but similar to yourself have trust issues due to previous relationships and honestly thought this was the guy I'd be marrying and totally different to anyone else I've ever met. Now knowing he's lied about this and hidden it so well makes me feel like he's taken advantage of my insecurities too. 

I want to help him and work through this but I don't know where to begin. I hope you can come to a decision that's right for you as you have more than just your future to look after, so can imagine it's very difficult time for you. 

I feel so sorry for you as I'm a problem gambler and know what I've put my family through and even with the help it takes a lot not to gamble and to try and watch someone everyday when you've got a baby to bring up, I don't know what to say to you as things could work out but the last thing you need when your pregnant is the stress it couldn't have happened at a worse time for you. I really hope your partner realises what he's got get the help and not got you both in to much debt. I last gambled on the 24th of April but that was the first time in a year,  but that made no differences as I lost nearly  £8000 in the space off an hour, I know I'll never be able to say I'm not a gambler is even if 3yrs pass and I do it again then all my family need to suffer. Due to my loss we're still suffering as I've paid about  £5500 back using overdraft ect but still owe just under  £3000 and the company always hit the bank and take out what's in it.you've got a lot off thinking to do but you've got to remember everyone is different 

@trying2getitright your story is literally identical to mine - have known for exactly a week too.

Can I ask how you found out and how your partner has reacted to you knowing/finding out?

In a weird way it's comforting to hear similar stories you can relate to. This forum has definitely given me a lot to think about and options to consider. 

Hopefully with the support of each other we can all figure out which path is the right direction for us to follow for our own happiness xx

Hi @tryingtogetitright and fran

So sorry to hear you're going through the same thing its honestly so painful. 

My first clue was when the rent hadn't been paid but he first claimed it was a mistake, and then I asked him twice directly if it was gambling and he said no. The next day I asked to see his account to check the rent had been paid and he made excuses. I thought it was because he didn't have the savings he claimed he had and so he said it was that but also admitted to a credit card I didn't know about. Then I asked him again directly if it was gambling and he said 'I do have a bet sometimes'. After that it all came out about 3 credit cards, two loans, not having the money for the rent, using my money for his gambling etc. The worst thing for me is still not the fact he has a problem but that I actively tried to seek out someone without this problem after my ex and he knew that from day one and chose not to tell me and to make out that he was someone he clearly isn't. I find it hard to look back on our relationship and see it as anything but a lie. He says his feelings for me are real and he selfishly knew that he would have lost me if he told me so he just never did because I was some happiness he had in his life. It seems he wasn't thinking about my happiness at all. 

Since I found out he has said that he will do anything to make it right, rebuild the trust etc but he also doesn't like it that I've told some of my friends as he says it makes it 'more difficult for us' which is a big red flag for me as I don't think he is ready to drop the act. I am hoping that might change when he goes to a meeting next week. 

I can't decide what is best for me or the baby. He tries to convince me that it can work if I stay but I feel like staying will ruin my mental health and cause so much anxiety when I'm already a worrier. At the same time, I know he wants to be a good dad and I'm worried I'll regret not giving him a chance to change. 

I hope that you are using whatever support around you, I have had counselling before and am due to start it again and I'd really recommend it so that you can try and get your head clear. Its easier said than done but don't feel obliged to make any decisions based on his feelings, make sure you look after yourself first. Sending you lots of strength. 

I wish I had an answer for you but your the only one who knows that and you seem to have been through so much in the past that gives you a better insight than most of us on this site, I understand what's happened before but things could change for the good straight away it all depends on how deep your partner is in and how much help he's willing to access for you and the baby as the baby could be that catalysts that stops his gambling in it's tracks and after building trust you could get back on track as a family unit.I wish you all the best and hope it works out for what way you ever choose 

I read your message and I can hear how broken your inside, I get you and I'm the problem gambler in my house over the years I've put my partner through hell due to me gambling and if I could turn the tables back then I would and the first time I ever gambled I would've walked out of my relationship and be inva different house than my partner and kids as then the damage I did would only effect me as through the year's gambling has put me in a dark place and I know that it's effected my partner and kids as they see it and live it no matter how much you try to hide it.well I was gamble free for over a year your partner gets complacent starts allowing you control of money as it's not easy to take control off everything hide the bank cards ect, well I went online and played roulette for 1hr in that space off time I put us in nearly  £8000 worth of debt as I  had used my partners PayPal which as we thought hadb £1000 PayPal credit well it never it drained her bank account arranged overdraft and put her well into an unarranged overdraft. Well that night I was such a week and selfish person as I took an overdose left a note that how I'd stole the money as that's what I did. Long story but in the end I'm sat here having to use a church to feed my family I feel so ashamed but I did it it's all my fault so that's why I would've walked away the first time as it's not just your own life your wasting it's everyone around you. I won't gamble now as I've went through a terrible time,  but if I was honest I can't say I won't gamble again as it would be a lie, I really think I should move out as with all my heart I love my partner and kids but when I gamble how can I say I love them as this addiction is slowly killing me and everybody around me. Yes I've got all the help in place but what does my partner have? She doesn't deserve this life she deserves to be happy,  can I do that for her I very much doubt it as all I can think off is the times I've let her down. And that's me being honest gambling is the worst addiction out there the amount of damage you can do in such a short period of time. Just be careful don't get complacent with your partner always be on guard it maybe different for your partner I don't know I just wanted you to hear my story just the truth and what to avoid. I wish you a gamble free life and the happiness you deserve and I hope your partner can get this beast under control especially if he wasn't a good happy future, I wish you well