Recovery

Hi all. I am writing this in order to motivate me to stop gambling - and this time for good. I used to think recovery was about making back all the money I'd lost, but this just isn't going to happen.

I am now down £10k, having gambled for three years (between ages 18-21). First, it was roulette, followed by horses, football, and more recently greyhound racing. I have tried to quit about 10 times, but deep down, I didn't want to. I lacked the discipline to quit and believed I could only truly be happy if I made it all back.

In August 2021, having been £5k down, I made back all the money, plus £100 in profit. I was so relieved that I quit, withdraw the winnings, imposed a stake limit of £5 and blocked gambling transactions on my cards. I was so busy with work, which I enjoyed, and honestly didn't want to gamble. It was probably the best year of my life.

After leaving the job this autumn (2022), feeling bored and worthless, I reversed the blocks and returned to gambling after a break of 13 months. I had a lot of money from working (with virtually no outgoings), so was gambling much more recklessly than before. I knew it was wrong, making me poorer and damaging my mental health, but I couldn't stop. My brain would work against me, making my gamble sometimes just hours after telling myself I had quit.

Money has not been the only cost. I have been up all night many times gambling or just thinking of gambling, which has made me very twitchy and hate myself. Moreover, it has made me very socially distant from friends and made me not want to do any uni work.

Tonight, after another loss, this simply cannot continue. Gambling transactions are blocked now on all cards, and I will have the strength to not reverse these. I have so much to be thankful for. I have not borrowed a single pound to gamble (all my own savings), and the money I've lost is just over a third of my savings, so the financial damage is limited in that sense. If I stop now, I know I can have a good life.

I believe I was born with this addiction. I believe it was like a ticking time bomb in my head, which exploded on that day I first placed a bet in 2019. In other words, I was always going to go through this.

I ask for your support and encouragement as I take this step to move on with my life. I know that it'll be tough as I have tried and failed so many times before. But that money is not going to come back. Even if I were to win some back, I know I would not be satisfied until I've made back the full amount. But next time I have that urge - which I'm sure I will - I will come back to this thread.

Thanks for reading and best wishes.