Hey Everyone,
This is my first post as it's the first time since I admitted my addiction 11 long days ago that I have felt a need to write something down. My addiction was exposed by my partner - I did not freely admit it or even want to stop at that point. The 11 days that have followed have been extremely difficult but also incredibly freeing - one hell of a contradiction!
My story is nothing original. Online casinos had me in their *** for 18 months, thousands in debt and even more thousands of lies told. The lies are the hardest thing to recover from. I have opened up to my partner and close family members and I feel better for having things out in the open. I like the accountability of people knowing and questioning me - it's keeping me determined to steer clear of the demons.
I feel guilty constantly. Guilt for the damage I have caused in the last 18 months, guilt for the money lost, guilt for 'quitting' and not really meaning it numerous times and perhaps most confusingly guilt for feeling more myself in the last 11 days than I have in all the months I spent gambling. My family are hurting. I may have done irreparable damage to my relationship and yet I wake up feeling free? I wake up feeling good? How is that fair when everyone around me is feeling worse?
Anyway the reason for this post was to say that today I realised that I might have a s**t day and be able to see that gambling is not the answer - it always was before! I feel proud of myself for realising this. Today has been tough - the toughest GF day so far on my journey but it feels good to type this all down.
Stay strong everyone. We'll beat this 🙂
Thanks I will keep helping others as well
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