I didnt ever envisage being here, thats because i have managed for a very long time to tell myself i dont have a problem, and could stop if i wanted. Its not really true though if i look at all the times i have had nothing left, and that sinking, self loathing feeling and yet still time and again after a few days, sometimes a few weeks, maybe even a month I would be back gambling again , losing money I could ill afford to lose and repeating my cycle...
Well it got to a point where I could no longer pretend it was all normal... I no longer had any money of my own, I owed friends and even just aquaintances money.. more recently I had dipped into work funds...also i was entrusted with some money belonging to my brother and at first i would lend a bit and put it back, but eventually and inevitably its now gone too and i have no means of putting it back. Lets be clear I am/was stealing to be able to feed my growing addiction.
Money whom so ever it really belonged to no longer was neatly compartmentalised into such categories as works money, brothers money, friends money, own money had all become STAKE .
WEDNESDAY was the LAST day I gambled.
On Thursday I was outside of a bookies with about 2k in my pocket ... stake money ... ... definitely not my money but you choose whose it actually was.. I was too numb to think about it like its actually money any longer... I sat and I thought about what a mess I was in but still there was a pretty strong chance I was going into this bookies... Instead and I am not sure how I managed to do it, but I plucked up the courage and rang my brother, and I balled my eyes out, told him I was in deep, I told him I had stolen his money, and that of friends and work and basically unloaded what a despicable person I had become... I even yold him Iwas outside a bookies and nearly didnt make the call and nearly just went through the door like a zombie...
My brothers one awesome fella, and in amongst my tears and my unloading all my tales of the awful things I had done, he simply said that obviously all those things are of course wrong/bad things, but today I had at least made a good decision and done the first right thing i had done long time. We agreed that day was my low point and effectively the first day I could begin to put thing right ...
Im completely terrified of course and have so many things to do abd wrongs to right ... but
Thursday or Friday or Saturday or today I HAVE NOT GAMBLED.I have taken tomorrow off work to start my lists and plans.
Manupnow making his first step.
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