Good evening everyone. I've been with my partner for over 23 years, having met through work. Both of us were previously married. 20 years ago, we bought a house together and agreed to split all household bills/expenses 50 removed link We were both in well-paid jobs, which meant that we each had a good amount of disposable income. I first became aware that my partner had an issue with gambling when he would increasingly miss making his monthly contribution towards the 'pot' on payday. Thankfully, I was always the one in charge of household bills, and made sure that no bill went unpaid. This meant, of course, that I was out of pocket, as I was having to put more of my money towards the 'pot'. Oh, I feel that I'm starting to ramble on, as I feel that I have so much to get off my chest! To cut a very long story short, I confronted my partner as soon as I suspected that he had a problem. He admitted it straight away, saying he would stop as he'd been found out. How stupid was I to believe that! You wouldn't believe what I've gone through with my partner and his problem - or maybe you'll know exactly where I'm coming from. I know that I will never be able to trust him. I will never agree to marry him, as i feel that as long as we just co-habit, i have more control over my money removed link One thing he has done (and he's done a lot) is pawned my gold jewellery, over and over again. Whilst we've never split up, we've had blazing rows. I can go on and on about the various things he's done to fund his gambling, or get him out of the brown stuff when he has no money. Believe it or not, we get on well as a couple, but his gambling is a constant cloud hanging over us, and we cant go more than a few weeks before another 'flare-up'. To the outside world, we're a happy couple who have the perfect existence. Both still in well-paid jobs. But the truth is, that is all down to me. I'm the one who's paid for fancy holidays etc over years. Paid for things around the house. I put everything down in a book and he pays me a sum on pay day. But he never seems to clear the balance. Sure enough, he has cleared a massive debt to me, but it's frustratingly slow at times. He seems to regard me as his private cash point. If I refuse, he becomes defensive, saying it's no skin off my nose, as I have plenty of money. I feel taken for granted. It's do love him, and I know that this is an illness. He is a proud man. But my patience is growing thin. When I discovered last week that he'd been rooting through my stuff to get his hands on my (hidden jewellery) to pawn again, I lost my cool, and I'm ashamed to say, I saw red, lost control and physically assaulted him, which is something I've never done. I have never felt such a rage - I frightened myself..... I just wanted to hurt him, like he's hurt me over so many years through his actions. The lying, the false promises, the put-downs, the blame, the verbal attacks. I've apologised, and he says that he understands, and doesn't blame me. Since it happened, I cannot face him as I feel so ashamed. We have barely spoken, as I have deliberately kept my distance and have moved to the spare bedroom. He is giving me space to let things cool down. I just feel that things have taken a downward turn, and feel that there's no way of coming back from this, as there's no excuse for physical violence. Thank you for letting me vent my spleen. I have no one else that I can share this with, as it's such a sensitive.issue, and would not like my partner's private life put out there in the public domain, as he is a proud and good man who's just in the grips of what is a mental illness.
It sounds like he needs to ask for help. There’s not much you can do without him willing to change.
The forum admin will have some good advice for this situation.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, Oh, believe me, he's tried. But as I said, he's a very proud man, and keeps saying that he has to do this himself. I've driven miles to taken him to our nearest Gambler's Anonymous meeting. I even stayed in the car to make sure that he didn't sneak out as soon as my back was turned. He left that first meeting very upbeat and positive, and I can remember feeling a weight being lifted with the thought that he had finally taken the first step towards his recovery. He attended maybe 4 further meetings before that fizzled out, with him saying that "it wasn't for him". I felt that he considered it beneath him. You can imagine how unimpressed I was that he'd given up so easily. I always felt that he'd only agreed to attend to shut me up. But he's a grown man at the of the day. I found a psychothrapist who he agreed to visi. Again, "it wasnt for him". He's very intelligent, and the condition has turned him into a very manipulative and calculating individual. I cannot trust him as far as I can throw him, and he knows this. One saving grace is that we don't have kids together. His grown up daughters are oblivious. We're not close, and as far as he's concerned, they don't need to know, and "it's certainly not my business to tell them"..To them, he is the upstanding, generous, sensible dad removed link Little do they know that birthday/xmas presents are only there thanks to me bailing him out.,.,.again. Thanks again for responding.
Hi Sheppy, it sounds like your going through a very difficult time and have been for a while. Although physical violence can never be condoned, I think the recent event is an indicator that you both need help. You cannot do this alone it is too big of a burden to bear.
You say your partner is a proud man but there is no pride in gambling and stealing from your loved ones. He needs a wake up call. He is convincing himself (and you) he can get control of this by himself and this is the case. It is great you have reached out but what is he doing? It seems he is hiding in his comfort zone as he knows you are always there to foot the bill. This is not fair on either of you and judging by recent events you have reached your limit for tolerating this. He has to speak up and take responsibility and action to fix the mess he is in before it is too late for both of you. It is understandable that you want to support him but you need to support him only in recovery.
This is a horrible situation for you to be put in and as a gambler myself I recognise how our demons can and do affect those we love and it's not ok.
It's time for some tough love and you need to get some support with this. Good luck. I wish you all the best.m
Thank you for taking the trouble to respond, Alkynat. It's much appreciated. We're still managing to avoid each other, which has lasted much longer than before. I have no desire to break the impasse this time. If he's not prepared to change, then I will have to be the one to break this destructive chain. I've endured too many years at the hands of my partner's addiction. I would much rather he had an affair, as it would have been so easy to just walk away and move on. I'm not prepared to let it rob me of however many years I have left ahead of me. I don't deserve to feel like a caged bird any more. I just hope that my partner is taking a long hard look at what his addiction is doing to us and what he's now at real risk of losing. Thank you again.
My advice is get the pair of you to RELATE as quick as possible. There are 2 separate issues and they have become muddled...
There is his gambling which must be dealt with by him... and there is the state of your relationship which you both must deal with together...
If it has driven you to losing control, then you are at a crisis point and can not bury your head in the sand over his addiction any longer...
Him simply stopping 'for a bit' will not fix it...and you know it will only be until he thinks you have taken your eye off the ball...
Am sure the admin team here can signpost you to loads of help... Just ask...
Good luck...
Hi Sheppy.
You need to start again and clear the air on the basis that you can only help him from a fully protected position of strength.
Knowledge is power in the face of the deadliest addictions I know.
If he is ready to start a recovery he will show a surrender and a pure relief to be getting help. It is a mental illness and im not saying he is a bad person
However Ive been a gambler and I would be extremely wary of living with one. Knowing what I know now, I wouldnt live with one
I may consider it if I was in control of all money coming in and going out. If I was fully protected I could help but you cant force a gambler who wont seek help.
Its a complex addiction and it is a drug addiction. You will almost certainly need counselling and close support from family and friends. Its not your fault so I fully understand your frustration.
A gambling addiction shreds relationships for breakfast. It leaves people homeless bankrupt, isolated, in prison or dead. You need to be fully aware of its sheer power to control minds.
You will have to tell him again that gambling is not acceptable and one of the reality checks is that he needs to know that you will consider leaving. You also inform him that you are not a lending bank and that he pays his way on everything.
This may sound harsh to some but its all part of the message he needs to receive about the devastating effects of this addiction. There is no point soft soaping him if he is not ready to stop.
The key for him is reaching out for help in a born again moment. If he is not prepared to do this the rocky road is steeply downwards and all the family will come along for the hellride.
The realtionship can only be built if the gambling stops. You cant seperate the two as he has an addiction which is ruining everything.
I dont know you or your relationship. Every partner deserves better than to be suffering the effects of a gambling addiction.
He is not in control of his own mind....if you cant trust him there is no relationship. When you learn more you will know the signs that he is willing to recover.
Best wishes to everyone on the forum
Thank you for responding, Clifford's-had-enough. Just wish i'd joined this forum a long time ago. Even though i've been on here a very short time, I already feel amongst friends. It's so cathartic to finally be able to let go of some pent up feelings of frustration that have clearly been building up like a pressure cooker. There was only one way that was going to end, and that's exactly what's happened. For someone who usually has a long fuse, it scares me the way I finally 'snapped'. Believe it or not, if you take the gambling away, we still have the perfect relationship. We are soul mates. Despite everything, i would not want to be with anyone else. Had we not been so solid, I would have walked a long time ago. It helps that there are no kids involved, as then you wouldn't see me for dust! it would be so sad to give up on him. He is still the person I chose to go through life with. I am very fortunate to be financially independent of my partner, and appreciate that many partners in my position don't have that option. Maybe knowing that I have this safety net is what makes the situation bearable. As worrying and frustrating as things are, I don't feel financially vulnerable. I have always been the one in charge of our joint finances. We're mortgage-free, (with the house being in my name only, thank goodness) and our living expenses are very low compared to many people. i have no doubt that 1. had we been married and 2, had my partner had control of our finances, we would be in dire straits. It's just so incredibly frustrating to know that he's squandered literally thousands of pounds, and is continuing to do so, whilst expecting me to save his skin when yet another letter drops through the letterbox from a debt collection agency!! Oh, I could write a book with the seemingly endless examples I could draw upon. I feel I could write on here all night, but as I need to get up early for work, I think i'd better call it a day at this point. Thank again for your support.
I echo Joydivider. I think they’ve hit the nail on the head. I don’t think it’s harsh, I just think it’s straight up good advice.
I don’t think anyone can fault your efforts or endeavours, at least take some comfort from that. Everyone has a breaking point. Honestly, reach out to admin for services. Something has to change if you’re going to succeed and they will have the best, professional advice.
Good luck. Hopefully he sees the light and you work everything out!
Good morning Sheppy,
I would absolutely echo the good advice you have already received from forum users and I am glad that you realised the seriousness of the situation and reached out by posting here.
However, I am concerned that (understandably) you have reached the end of your tether and I think your actions the other day show that. I know that you understand that physical assault isn’t acceptable and I am also concerned that you are potentially vulnerable to financial abuse/crime, as your partner is trying to steal your jewellery to pawn.
Therefore I want to make you aware of all the support that is available for the partners (and family/friends) of problem gamblers.
Firstly you are eligible for free 1:1 support (a bit like counselling) and given what happened the other day I would strongly urge you to contact us on either the HelpLine 0808 8020 133 orNetLine to discuss whether this would be useful for you. The support can be either face to face, local to you, over the phone or via videolink online, whichever suits you best.
Secondly please consider whether a peer support group would be helpful- gamanon.org.uk runs both online and face to face meetings for the family and friends of problem gamblers. Also do have a look at our leaflet for the family and friends of problem gamblers, https://www.gamcare.org.uk/app/uploads/2019/07/PG-Support-Friends-and-Family-General-web-2.pdf which contains lots of useful suggestions and advice.
There is also other useful information and advice on our website and partners are always welcome in our chatroom. Lastly our Help and NetLines are open from 8am until midnight (and 24/7 from October), so definitely do contact us if things are starting to build up, or you just want to talk to someone.
I am pleased that your money is separate, but concerned that your belongings are at risk of theft from your partner. I think this shows how compulsive his gambling is and I am wondering whether you are able to find somewhere safer (maybe out of the house) for your precious items?
It is incredibly sad, but completely understandable that you reached snapping point, and I am wondering whether he is willing to take action yet to deal with his compulsive gambling? If/when he is please encourage him to ring our HelpLine to discuss all the free treatment and support options available. If he wants to stop gambling it may be worth asking him what he thinks would help, given that he has rejected both Gamblers Anonymous and the psychotherapist that you found for him. I also think it may be good for you to work out what you will do if he continues gambling and trying to steal your belongings, as I am sure you want to avoid another incident where you physically assault him.
Lastly, you mentioned helping him with money for family presents and bailing him out at various times. GamCare's advice to partners and families of problem gamblers is not to do this, as it deepens the problem and enables the gambler to continue.
Please do look after yourself and your needs in all of this and do contact us for support, being the partner of someone with a gambling problem can really take it's toll, so we would urge you to get as much support as you can and I wish you all the best with your situation.
Best wishes
Forum Admin
Thank you, SuccessStory13. However things turn out, I can be happy in my heart that I have tried my best. I could so easily have run for the hills at the first sign of a problem, but never gave up on my partner or our relationship. Hopefully, things will turn out ok, but I'm not going to be a victim of my partner's gambling any more. Thank you again.
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