After 4 weeks of GF I am back to square one and feeling the lowest I have ever felt to the point when i was driving home tonight all I was thinking about was what tree or sign should I drive into to make this end once and for all. I have a great job, great family, great friends, great girlfriend but no control. All of those people who were running through my mind amongst the thoughts of driving off road.
Feeling like I was starting to over come everything with a couple GA meetings over last couple weeks in the bag I am reminded of what I owe and who to but with wages not good to get rid of it as quick as I want.
I am signed up with monzo and gamcare and get bank checks randomly but tonight felt different. Knowing i needed a substantial amount of money to pay someone back by the end of this weekend fearing it will be the end our relationship to one another. My wage not covering the amount, the worry and fear was in my mind all day.
Why do I think if I just put a bet on it will maybe just maybe this one time be on my side and come in and make everything okay and better. I went to the bookmakers out of the town and put my bets on and what is the result. A loss of course it's a loss and of course only one goal short of making everything okay.
I always thought of suicide as a selfish decision made by people with the knock on effect to others and never would I imagine that I would have such thoughts through my head. I'm only 23 and never felt such pressure on my shoulders.Â
I really didnt want to gamble tonight and feel it wasnt my own choice but was nothing short of desperation for a fee of money to pay someone of with. I have all my debts in a manageable plan except the moneys owed to people who I care for.
I just dont know if anyone will want to put up with me anymore, after all their help I throw it back in their face time after time.
Dear DM2019,
Thank you for posting your story. So sorry to hear that you've felt so bad that suicide seemed like an option. It sounds like it came as a surprise to you that you might ever feel that way. It's good that you're sharing your feelings about it. If you do feel that way again, you can call us on 0808 8020 133, we're here 8am til midnight every day, or the Samaritans on 116 123, who are available around the clock.
You are still struggling, but that doesn't mean that recovery is a lost cause. It's not an easy or quick journey, but recovery is possible. There will be bumps in the road and detours like this one, but you can keep going in the right direction, rather than letting them become complete roadblocks.Â
Keep doing whatever you feel is helpful. A couple of GA meetings won't fix the problem right away, but give it time. Why not give us a call on 0808 8020 133 to talk about other, local, free, treatment options as well?
Above all, keep communicating, whether with your loved ones and/or your recovery support network in GA, this forum and our HelpLine.
Take care,
Forum Admin
PS - you mentioned being registered with 'Monzo and Gamcare' above - did you mean Gamstop the online self-exclusion service?
I didn't think it would be something that would run through my head but it has but I dont believe it's something I could carry out but worry I could of in that split second decision.
I know 2 GA meetings isnt going to automatically solve everything but they are 2 massive steps I took into tackling my problem and I'm so gutted that when I feel pressure in providing x amount of money my mind just thinks gambling could win me it. Which is never the case.
And yes what I meant was gamstop.
Thank you admin
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Hi,
You're a a young guy and by the sounds of it you have a lot of people that care about you. It was be devastating to them if you do something silly. I totally understand how you feel. Suicide at times seems like the perfect solution when you're hating yourself and run out of hope. You need to take massive action now. First, speak to your doctor. You clearly need support. You've done brilliantly to come on here and seek advice at such a young age. I was 30 when I first sought help when my life was out of control. Tell your loved ones you have an addiction and need their support. Tell them how bad it's got with suicidal thoughts. It will shock them but be honest. Us gambler will relapse. A month without gambling is excellent. Get some support from your doctor. You're too young with so much life ahead of you.Â
Wishing you all the best.
Stuart
Hi understand completely I'm 32 and been in this horrible ground hog day for 17 years. You feel powerless and worthless. I myself relapsed today and feel terrible, just remember things can and will get better suicide is never an option.
I, like you need to dust myself off and start again and try my upmost to beat my demons. Gambling is Evil I don't know why I do it, I guess an escape from life stresses.
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Wish you the best of luckÂ
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Sam
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