Week defining the rest of my life

Compulsive gambler

Thankyou for your reply, and your brutal honesty. Everything you say is correct, maybe I am expecting too much too soon but it's still hard though isn't it. I can see what you write your going through exactly the same. I am being 100% honest with her and got everything in place to show her, statements and the rest of it. Any other advice? Do I just let her get on with whatever she needs to do or think and just hope when the time comes, no matter how long, she sticks by me and start slowly with forgiveness? Any advice would be appreciated my friend.

Thankyou

Nev

hey Nev,

thanks for taking that in the spirit I mean it.

This is the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life, by a country mile. death of loved ones, work redundancy, whatever other life stresses have been thrown at me, facing up to the consequences of my gambling have been the toughest. I don't honestly see an end in sight to that either. What I can see in the future though is life, I've missed out on so much in the last twenty years, constantly in debt, I've never actually owned £1 since I've been working (age 16) - I borrowed money to buy a bus pass and ever since I've had debt. Whilst I've still managed to do a lot, It's all been on borrowed money and that always runs out and then takes a long time to repay.

My 'urgent' debt is now about half what is was four months ago, mainly because those around have helped me organise things and by prioritising it's made a big difference.

I wont lie, seeing my debt reduce quickly and see my credit file improve and having my secret out in the open means my life is much better than it was four months ago.

Seeing my wife cry, clearing my head and actually realising what I earn and what my money could be used for, talking about the difference my choices have made in regards my childrens future have been horrific to deal with.

Your loved one cries, you reach out and comfort them, you support them. Someone hurts your children and you want to hurt them back. You realise it's you that's caused the pain and your support, your touch is not wanted and it sends you spinning.

I've been on and off this site over the years, I've made the right noises so many times before, I've had so many opportunities to quit and be OK, to be in a good position. Yet here I am now, back again and nobody close to me gives a flying monkies what I say anymore.

They don't give a second thought to me making promises - it's dead and empty words, it's actually more painful for them if I make a promise because we all know it's false, no matter how convincing I am and how much I believe it myself.

I don't have the answers you are looking for, everyone and every circumstance is different but for me, I am realising I need to start looking at myself, i need to drink, eat sleep more healthily, I need to 'reset' my mind, no more lies, deceipt, sadly I've proven myself too adept at it. My wife has asked several questions that i've genuinely not been able to answer, I don't know now what was truth and what was fiction. At some point in my life I learnt the art of 'twisting' words, of deflectng people from the truth - I mastered that and then crossed the line to outright lying, I don't know when that happened but it did.

If I turned the tables and my wife had led the secret life I have been living, how would I feel? I don't know but I wouldn't have handled it with half the dignity she has a managed.

I don't know at the moment from one hour to another how to interact with my wife, should I be happy or should I show remorse, should I try and hold her or give her space - It's almost impossible to say so all I can do at the moment is keep talking, talk to her about what I have done, what I am doing. I ask her opinion and agree any next steps. I avoid making any promises but I make sure I do as we have agreed. I asked her yesterday, after some very challenging days why she has not yet completely ended the marriage, her answer "I don't know, I guess hope. hope that things will get better but at the moment, I'm not sure if that's even possible, I don't know how I will even know but I am worried about having to live my life constantly looking over my shoulder"

It's tough to hear but that's what she thinks, what she feels - it doesn't matter what I say to that, i just need to understand and respect that is where she is at.

After all my lies, deceipt, manipulation, after all the gambling and the damage to the family finances I have inflicted, giving her the respect to do what she needs to right now is the absolute least I can do.

Where that will get me, I have no idea but for now I have enough to do in my own addiction battle and in getting the debt repaid.

I hope to one day be a husband and a father that my wife and children can be proud of. First off, I want to be proud of myself.

Compulsive Gambler

Wow! Just wow! Reading that is so emotional, I really do feel for you, everything you said there it was like you've written it about me, everything apart from we have no children together. But reading that it was like I had wrote it myself. We really have got a battle on our hands. I know what I need to do now mate, and that's to knuckle down and keep calm in every situation regarding my relationship and let my partner see me making the positive steps in ongoing recovery. Thankyou so much for your honesty my friend.!

Nev