Why do i do it?

I had no sleep last night must of spent 12 hours solid just spinning after cancelling a pending withdrawal from a few nights before. It could of given me and my child a well deserved holiday after lockdown, I also spent every penny in my bank luckily I have a life line I can pawn my jewellery. I don’t gamble regularly but when I do I am compulsive. If I wasn't compulsive I could of been so happy right now knowing me and my child could go on a well deserved holiday. I've cried a lot but pulled myself together as there’s no point crying over spilt milk what matters is how I can refrain and make better choices and eventually a better life. I had a problem 5 years ago with compulsive gambling on one particular slot game but I managed to stop, I went to few Ga meetings and self-excluded..... I then had a whirlwind relationship fell hook line and sinker for what I thought was the man of my dreams I fell pregnant quite quickly... long story short as soon as my baby was 4 weeks old my partner became abusive and would leave for days sometimes a couple of weeks... At first I was so concerned for him and what the situation was the first 2 week vanish I didn’t no if he was dead or alive, I was in a state of shock. I soon realised It was his way of controlling me he was just giving me the silent treatment doing whatever he wanted. Instead of running for the hills, I had a little baby, low self-esteem and I started spinning again, self-harming just to fill the void when he’d leave. So now when anything traumatic happens I end up leaving myself on the floor by my own actions. I can’t do this anymore I feel so depressed and gambling then makes me feel weak and vulnerable to his manipulation.  2 weeks ago he was sent to prison for assault on the police as neighbours had called the police (He took my phone police had to bring it back)  in a rage he was Smashing our doors ripped my light from the ceiling.. well I now have a domestic violence advocact and taking a non-moleststion order, I’m not meant to receive letters from him and yet 2 came through the post.. he didn’t use my surname.. no abuse all apologies which is worse. So there you have it I emotionally gamble to take away my misery, but once I start I can’t stop. Four months he’s away, I have time to heal and get past the turmoil the last few years have been. To mask my hurt I played got into my head I could just have a little go but no I couldn’t leave it. I played all night long and now I feel even more worthless.  
Tonight I've self-excluded from sites and joined here because I’m accountable for my actions, and I know while I’m gambling and not in a better headspace, I’m not doing the work needed to get away from my toxic relationship. Gambling is mentally and financially crippling and I am determined to refrain.. Being a gambler can make you vulnerable not worthless. 
sorry for rambling I’m so tried to spot check, but as good as it’s getting on no sleep.
I really wanted to share to see if anyone can relate or am I just making excuses as to why I gambling again? 
why do any of us do it? 

Sat here asking myself the same question as I’ve just lost *** on roulette and blackjack. Just as I thought gambling was quite out of my mind as I’ve not gambled for a couple of weeks and when I seem to gamble recently just been poker so long hours less stakes. But yeah this isn’t good feeling when locked in the house to. Going to be contacting my bank and some support on myself.

Hope you manage to overcome your gambling habits mate seek that help at least your loved ones know about your problems too! Good luck we all in the same boat. MUGS GAME

Hi

Bingo is among other things a social interaction. Feeling connected with others and chatting away while playing. I started my journey in the bingo halls. I had no real friends so I got my social interactions over a cup of coffee and way too many bingo tickets. It took me YEARS to understand that I actually was a lonely soul but now it makes perfect sense.

Are you going it alone and do you have few friends? If the answer is yes you will know that this is one part of the problem. The other part is the actual gambling. Repeating your ticket purchases for the link or jackpots or just wanting to have more tickets than other etc is also addictive. It is all repeating your actions again and again. It is finding your personal bubble of bliss for as long as you feel that the outside reality is sh.t and you would rather be where you think the more fun things are happening.  You can break the behaviour by getting some active help from the professionals here. Getting involved with the forum and chat lines.  It is also a question of toning your mind into something different. The change will not come if you don't act to change. Start to look up mindfulness so you can stay in the present instead of your own version of the present.  Be kind to yourself and work on your self-esteem. Your mum may be disappointed but you have the chance to make it right so start now.

All the best

C

Hi all, 

over the past couple weeks lost a s**t load that i could of put away, ive found there is nothing worse than looking back thinking " i wish i could go back a few hours and not of spun that" or " i could of saved that", when i first got into gambling i was warned about how much of a vicious addiction it is and i always shrugged it off and thought that could never be me, but in no time at all it was, i made the step of joining gamcare today to just put my thoughts into action and in front of other people that face the same issues, i really wish you all the best, today is first day i intend not to gamble but we all know your mind soon gets on top of you but i intend to be strong, i hope you all are safe and well 

Hi I say to both the new joiners here workman and gemest84 to keep using the forum and the chat room.

You will get tried and trusted advice here from people who understand

Phone gamcare and you will build a support network of advice from people who care.

Gambling is a drug addiction. In pain we reach out for it and its also mixed with thoughts that easy money would make us feel better. Its highly addictive and I know it creates addicts fast.

Its not the answer to our problems in life. It offers temporary escape but just leaves everything much worse afterwards. My problems were still there and gambling has added more.

Yes life can stink and its not our fault. Ive suffered in abusive relationships and done jobs I hated where I was just bullied. However gambling, drinking, drug taking or smoking my way to death is not the answer.

There is a peace of mind for you but you have to face life and deal with it. There is help...nobody should have to put up with abusive relationships.

I was a lonely soul but in many ways I was my own worst enemy. I drifted through life and into relationships like a leaf on the wind. I had a very low self esteem and I had essentially given up. I was a perfect victim...perfect fodder for an addiction to try and bury my hurt

So there are reasons why you gamble and its much less to do with the money.

Life is much better gamble free and you need to tell someone close that you trust and get all the help you can get.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thank you to all that have replied. Sometimes when you are in the deepest of darkness there seems to be only yourself, since I opened my account and having looked around on here I see there are many others I can talk too. I made my first steps today I closed the account permanently that I was gambling on, at the time I was shaking because I knew I was taking away my go to site, but after it was done I felt strength that I never knew I had.