Hello the devil from my nightmare.
This is not a reply. This is just a simple letter to tell you how I feel and have felt.
I cannot count how many times I've cried or gone home and held my head up high and live life as everything is fine just to fall into another argument with Jovita, just to say another lie to come back to you and hide from all my problems. A beautiful face is all that you had, on the inside you was ugly and mad. I was your unsuspecting victim. You took everything from me a left me with next to nothing.
Felt like my whole life was becoming a lie. Felt like everything and everyone was against me. I'd rather be dead that to go through life with you by my side. If you could've took my life then you would've. It's like you put a knife through my chest and push it right through the other side. I should have put up more of a fight but at the time I couldn't. No one could ever hurt me like you did. But now I'm done with being your puppet. I cut the strings!
We go from being best friends to then become complete strangers. We go from seeing each other every day to me then saying my final farewell to never seeing your face again. Everywhere I go I may see your existence. I've taken the hard route; I've found a new shoulder to cry on. I have help I need from so many different places. I'm counting down the days, and I'm working over nights trying to figure out what I need to better my life. I've been high and I've been low, but I'm looking inside to find myself and I know which way I need to go.
I don't suppose you know the difference between Christmas and Halloween? No me neither in 2016. The run up to Christmas was like a long Halloween. It was a nightmare inside. My family see me there in person but never really knew what was going on in my head and me neither. I was a mess. I was broken. I had been overpowered by you. I was more or less defeated. But Christmas Day and Boxing Day comes. I get thrown a life line, I for once in my life felt happy. I felt like there was no better feeling that having the family around. Seeing Emilija enjoy her days with family, this made me to rethink…. I'm not giving into you just yet. I have support from people I need, I speak with counsellors, I go to my GA meetings, my family do not know about you yet but they will in time. Jovita has chosen to support and stay by my side and nothing means more to me than that. You can keep the money I have given you, but you will not take my family. Without money I may not enjoy times like id wish for, I may not be able to buy all the great things others have and yes my daughters may not be able to have a lot of things because of you. But one thing I know is for sure. My family will have me back and better than ever, and nothing will ever be able to replace me.
Yeah you took my family away from me. You made me choose that they have to go so I don't see them suffer the way I do. Saying goodbye; which could be the last time. I cry. Emilija doesn't wave goodbye. Now I sit here alone. I'm all by myself. You're probably thinking that you can win me back while there is no instant support from them, but you cannot be more wrong. I'm not in the game no more. I AM OUT!
Yes this time without my family here is hard, and having the feeling of being alone each day. Not having Emilija running to the front door when I come home, and kissing me goodbye before work, or coming home and walking past the bedrooms thinking they're probably asleep and seeing two empty beds, cooking for one and washing up one of everything rather than three. Doing washing and only seeing my clothes. Do you know how that feels? No I don't suppose you do. Well let me tell you I feel deserted. You caused this!
The main part of my family may be gone for a short time, but I have myself, I have our Guinea pig and our fish, flowers, tomatoes to look after. They are part of my family too. I have my closest friends and family. I am not alone.
One thing that stays in my head and I relive every day. Me, Jovita and Emilija went to see Paul and Katie. We put the music on for Emilija to dance to, a new song comes on. Its call “I'm in love with a physco” by Kasabian. But Pauls words jokingly says that's you isn't it Jovita. Jokingly we laugh but I know I think an awful lot… I took that on board and it's never left. I am not a physco, I'm a compulsive gambler. But knowing that one day if I carry on doing s**t I shouldn't… I could be a physco one day.
I will always know of your existence and so will many others, I just hope they can realise about you the same way I have now. I wish for them to join me at my meetings and learn from others before time gets too bad.
I want to see you suffer as much as I suffer. You suffocated me, but still I stayed with you. I went through pain and agony. I cannot believe I fell in love with something as dumb as you.
You took control, I almost died, and you almost caused suicide.
You have given me so much of the wrong things I thought I wanted. Now I struggle through days not knowing what will happen. But I know for sure is that I will not gamble. I will give into you. I will fight until my very end to not come back and I will lead a new happy life with my family.
Now you listen to me!!! I'm going to stay strong. I am going to stay strong and I am going to make it!
Nicholas Johnson
01/07/2017
Dont look for happiness in the same place you lost it, you can do it. Better days are ahead!
Bop5times wrote:
Dont look for happiness in the same place you lost it, you can do it. Better days are ahead!
Thanks mate. 67 weeks off now 🙂
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