So the last 3 month have been great, gamble free. I have seen my bank account slowly recover due to a low paid job, but never the less it has been improving. I have been much happier within myself, going out with friends, treating the girlfriend to random presents and just generally enjoying life after getting over hitting rock bottom 3 months ago.
So now here come the excuses for my relapse.
I received some bad news meaning i would need another hip operation after a previously failed one. The first thing i thought of was how much money i would be losing from not being able to work, and how this would affect my attempts to get back to where i was before the gambling started. Unfortunately at this point i also found myself home alone, parents on holiday, and girlefriend in work for the next few days.
Before i knew it i had set up a new account on one of the few remaining websites and was throwing money away. 3.5k gone in the space of a day and a half. After losing my initial deposit i got into a panic of what was i doing! Heart racing, sweat pouring off me, i thought the only way out was to bet big, get it all back and walk away, act as if nothing happened.
This was all going to plan, except the getting it all back part. Bigger bets just meant i lost quicker. The reason i stopped at 3.5k? only because any more i would have gone overdrawn and my relapse would be there for all to see. I cant believe i have done this, especially after being so happy the last few months.
I now have less than 1k to my name, car insurance due this month, 200 coming out to pay the credit card in 4 days, and then christmas to pay for. I cant face telling my girlfriend again, last time she said any more and she was gone. We know we are both meant to be, but through my own stupid self i could have ruined a 5 year relationship (which we're celebrating this Nov 14th) over gambling. I hate myself for this, havent slept all night and feel and instant weight of depression hanging over me.
Maybe i got complaisant 3months gamble free?
Thanks for having a read through guys, i just had to get something out in the open. Behing home alone after commiting the catastrophic and selfish relapse is doing no favours at all.
Sorry to hear it.
It's been said on the forum over and over that nothing changes if nothing changes. Other than managing not to gamble for a few weeks and therefore having a bit more money available, what did change? That is, what changed about you, other than taking away the gambling?
The problem isn't a shortage of money. The problem is what you get out of the act of placing a bet, a shortage of money just gives you an apparent reason to place the bet. If nothing else changes to address what you get from placing a bet and why....nothing changes.
Gambling has consequences and you will lose the relationship if nothing changes. There's a lot of advice on the forum about blocks and barriers but the best way of changing you is via counselling and GA.
Hope you go for it, wish you well.
CW
I know what you mean when you list your excuses for relapsing back to gambling. I used to feel that there was no other option but to try to win big money to pay for expenses, unexpected bills or other outgoings like I was being driven into a corner. But I am learning that there is always another way, however hard it is to deal with. Inevitably, by going down the gambling route it will lead to more debt and anxiety. I understand your anger and heartache. But at this point we must take a step back, hold our hands up and decide to change ourselves. Looking forward, accepting help, being honest and believing in a better future without gambling.
Stay strong. Things will improve in time. Forget the losses. You are where you are - there's an a long way to fall.... if you continue. Remember: "You have the power to decide".
Hi and thanks both.
What changed? Believe it or not my attitude to betting, i would see people in work placing bets and think what a waste, the same thought when i would pass the roulette on late night tv. Thats whats even more confusing as to why i let my guard down. I felt quite content slowly building up my finances the right way, thinking i was free from gambling.
Along with news of my op, i had also found out that my hours were being dropped from full time to 25 for the next 6 months. I have no doubt i also used this to "justify" having a big gamble to try and pay for this shortfall in income over the winter. Now it will take me those 6 months just to get back to where i was only days ago. A cycle i have been in the last 3 years or so.
Since the initial post i have blocked gambling sites on my computer and decided to tell my girlfriend. I will tell her tonight and have to respect whatever decision shes makes. Its all my own doing and this morning it really hit home how good i had it, and compared to many still do have it. I may have virtually no money to my name, but the rest of my life is pretty good for now.
A new start is needed financially, and a real commitment to beating this. Dont take this the wrong way as i know money isnt eveything, but i cant help but think today how happy i would be if i also had a stable financial situation tagged onto my current lifestyle, i would have nothing to complain about! I will use this thought to help rebuild the PROPER way and look at what an exciting future i could have. Gone will be the thought of a quick fix to the situation, i know i will have to be patient and work hard to achieve my goals but im willing to do so.
Hi again,
Sorry to hear about your health troubles.
Will power or changing your attitude to betting isn't the same thing as a long term personality change, so that problems are considered realistically and faced, there's honesty and openness, a concern for other people, real relationships with those around you. It's long term and it's hard, no quick fixes.
CW
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Steve
You have accepted you had a problem, and did well for the three months. However you will always have a problem. Gambling addiction is not something that is fixed by not gambling for a few days/weeks/months or even years. Look at alcoholics, they accept that they can never drink again and are proud to tell you they are 8 years dry - but accept that they are still alcoholics and can never drink again. We can never gamble again, ever - that is what you have to accept.
There can be no excuses to drive you back - you have to find out what makes you gamble and deal with that. There will be many more times in your life when things beyond your control, will make you want to gamble. Only you can decide to deal with your past and the events presented to you to deal with them and not gamble.
When you woke up the next morning, were any of your issues fixed ? No, you had the same problems, you need to deal with and now an added one of having no money and the emotions and stress that this relapsed caused. If you do not feel ready then you have do what CW suggests and prevent yourself access to funds.
You have so much more to lose when gambling than just money and so much more to gain by remaining gamble free.
Take stock of your life and get whatever support you need to deal with your issues - gambling cannot and will not make your life any better - that is what we all need to accept.
You can do this........
I think its easy to get complacent after a spell of stopping. You think "maybe I don't have a problem after all" and other stuff you use to convince yourself. My advice is not to have access to a lot of money. Stash it somewhere or with someone.
I think many of us here have got complacent and thought we had 'beat it' then we get dragged back in and then back to square one. You need to take something from this and perhaps put something else in place, make things different and then go from there. We are always gonna have this problem in the back of our mind, i think its our attitudes and our mindset that changes eventually.
Hi stevewt.
Yes you must take it to another stage. I was and am a stress trigger gambler but I have it under control with the blocks.
I understand what you are going through and its not easy. It has to be said though that it needs to come out into the open and you must not have access to that level of cash again.
You must now be at the stage of handing your card and finances over and living on an allowance. Its that serious and its better this way than you gambling again. Focus on how quickly gambling got a hold on you again.
I lost my gold ring the other month and was very nearly off again . I know thats nowhere near as as serious as your news but I have had very bad news in the past and it triggered me every time.
Do you feel its escape gambling? I was actually gambling to escape from the bad news in my life. I wasnt actually playing for the main reason of money. I know money plays a part but I was playing in a sense to say "to hell with all of this".
Your partner can be a great help. You do need to reach out for more help. Focus on what gambling did to you again. It really is lethal how quickly it can raise its ugly head and take a hold.
I think if you approach it with this is what Im actually doing about it, it will lessen the pain but I understand you may need to build up to tell her as its hard
Please ring gamcare as many times as you like. We are all her to support you becasuse we understand.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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