Hi my name is Darren and im 32 year old male.
I started gambling when I was 16 on family holidays on the fruit machines. A lot of it started because of years of bullying through my school years and it was my getaway from it all. As I reached 18 , got a full time job etc my fruit machine habit became really bad and I was blowing £220 weekly wages in 1 night every single week. At 20 I moved on to horse racing and poker and suddenly stopped playing fruit machines which I was very proud of but was not proud of the fact I couldnt kick gambling altogether. After a few years at Poker I was 21 when my best friend suddenly died in his sleep. This sent me into a really dark place and since then I have been on Anti Depressants. I stopped betting on horses etc and purely played poker. I was spending a ton of money weekly and although I was winning i was that addicted I would just keep playing until I lost it. At 25 I went bankrupt due to getting over 16k worth of loans and blowing it on gambling and partying. I was truly embarressed when my father had to bail me out aged 25 so I could pay the £400 to go bankrupt. I continued playing small stakes poker even after all that purely because of the addiction that had hold of me. I finally managed to give it up december 2013 and have never played a game of poker since until yesterday when i felt a sudden urge to play again after seeing a poker tournament on youtube. I deposited £25 on Pokerstars and lost it all after spending 9 hours straight playing. Today I woke up feeling annoyed and really down but still had the urge to play and have deposited another $50 on 8*8. Im confused as to why the urge has come back and why I cant just let it go. It's killing me after only 24 hours of gambling again , I feel so annoyed with myself but the urge is back and I feel the addiction again.
Sorry for the long post. Just wanted to open up somewhere.
Darren
Sorry to hear what you have been through. I am new to this and just came across your story. Gambling is such a powerful addiction and when it grips you it is so hard to stop, it's amazing that you quit for a whole year. I am similar to yourself in the sense I have gamble the last 12 yrs and managed to stop for nearly 1 yr but got sucked back into it and it has taken me 6 yrs to stop and I have been gamble free for 18 days now. I really hope you find the strength to say no to the demons. Cos that's all it is, it ruins and destroys your soul. The temptation is always there to get that thrill of a win, but we are addicts, an gambling will bring misery to our lives as you and I have both experienced. Keep trying my friend, you can brush this relapse aside cos you have done awesome to stop for 1 yr with everything you have been through. I hope you can turn this back around and not waste the next 6 yrs like I have cos you have done brilliant.
Regards
Sean
Hi Darren
Try to put it behind you as a tiny blip. You have done amazing for a sustained period of time and to have a small setback is not ideal but you have to view it as just a one off within that 24 hour period. Nobody's perfect and I think just think of it as falling off a horse. Climb back up, grip the reins, dust yourself down and stay riding gamble free. Write a list of all the negative impacts gambling has on you and your life . Then write a list of the positives (none !?) This should help you refocus the reasons you stopped in the first place.
Try to use the triangle idea if you can. Remove either the money ( eg allow someone you trust to take care of your finances for a while) or block the gambling sites from all devices ( assuming you play poker online). I recommend k9 software with someone you trust setting the password. I hope there are people in your life you can turn to for help with this if gambling is still something you may be slipping back into. It sounds like you had support in the past. I'm sure if those people can they will help you again. Thirdly don't allow yourself the time to play. Do something else - go visit a friend or relative. Anything to diminish free time would be good. You don't have to take any or all of my advice as I'm no expert being gamble free for 16 days doesn't qualify me, I'm at the beginning of my journey but I'm just using my experiences and what I've learnt on here.
All the best and may you find the strength you need at this time.
Clare
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