So there was a big blow up last time I gambled. I drank, I tried self harming and tried to jump over our (small) balcony. My partner blew hot and cold. Said we would be fine one minute, guilted me into giving oral and then would treat me like s**t again.
This year. My brother died. I can't describe the devastation this has caused. I've written a will and taken out life insurance. I've expressed my intention to not be around in a year. I've had no support from my partner during my grief. He would have a moan at me for crying to songs that remind me of my brother. He planned go for lunch with his mates the day before the funeral.
I have no support system and I've been drawn back to gambling and drugs, to cope and escape.
Perhaps I should be more remorseful and don't get me wrong I've never been this poor/stupid from gambling that I've been so greatful for those that have cooked me meals recently because I haven't been able to afford food. Or scraping money together from penny jar yo buy tampons. It doesn't exactly do wonders for your self-esteem.
But ultimately I'm not beating myself up about the gambling 1. Because I couldn't wish I was dead more anyway so what the f**k does money/debt matter. 2. I know it's an addiction and that I keep using it when I'm struggling, unsupported and alone. - I'm not trying to blame anyone else. It's absolutely on me. But I just feel I've had enough emotional strain that I can forgive myself for this. And that much stupidity left that I still wish I had some money to gamble with, because it genuinely is helping me pass the time.
Now this time. My partner has started the hot cold thing, it's started more subtly. But he told his friend about the gambling and is lying to me saying that he hasn't. He said he won't tell anyone (I haven't asked him not to, I think he should for his own sanity and support) because he wants to think for himself and that anyone with half a mind would tell him to f**k me off. And saying how whether we stay together or not I've basically messed up his life either way.
Now, I'm not tolerating it this time. But am I the a*****e here? Should I let him be a d**k to me because its understandable that he's P****d off?
Where is the line of bad treatment you should tolerate because you've done wrong?
I don't know everything or the answer except gambling is a destructive.maybe you are with the wrong partner or maybe you need time to be single and have no pressure from anyone putting demands on you or blowing hot or cold.
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