Hey all I hope you are all well.
So as i sit here ,my arm i have to admit being very recently cut,and another white shirt has been binned i have spent the last fews days really pondering on something, and this i would like to share.
We all know any type of healing from an addiction starts with owning up to it admiting you have a problem etc.
For me that was a good start, but it was i felt not enough. Its all good and well me saying well i did not mean to do this but it was because of the gambling that i did it.
But i cant use my addictions as a all bases covering excuse.
When i was younger if i did wrong i got beat,if i denied doing it i would get beat,if i admitted to it i would stil get beat.
So i always admit when i am wrong or have done something wrong
I dont hate the bookies for me betting,they dont force me to.
I choose to
I dont hate certain people for me cutting,they dont force me to.
I choose to
I hate the things that happened to me when i was younger,because i could not prevent it, i did not have the choice.
I really dislike certain people because of things they have done to me.
I know how to stop gambling,there plenty of groups,forums self exclusion meyhods which i used as i posted recently stating i had excluded ,i know how to prevent cutting also.
But mostly i hate myself
Its because giving in is easy and trying to stop is hard.
Its only hard for me because sucess and not having excuses to use for giving in scares me.
Its harder to work through the issue in a healthier way instead of carving my arm.
Its harder to work through the issue in a healthier way instead of gambling.
Its hard because i know how to destruct and give in
Its hard because i know how to deal with things in a healthier way.
But it feels so alien to me so scarey to act differently, it feels akward and i feel exposed and vunerable, when iam outside my dark dark bubble, because in its darkness there is some warmth and a elemenet of feeling secure
Sorry to rant
(((((((Rob)))))))) xx....o*g..i could of write this post myself 🙁
How much i can identify with, is beyond words..absolutely understand you feeling "wrong" when you are right..you just give up the fight and admit something what was not your fault...horrible horrible feeling..
Ok...now that said..what can we do to move forward?
It's not easy...it will not be easy but you HAVE it in you..same as me and as many many other souls..we got that believe that things will pick up вє
Listen...gambling is only a symptom, SH is symptom..you are still reacting the same way as you are used to..do you get what i mean? You succumb into your coping mechanisms.
Hurting yourself releases the pain..plain and simple..not for everyone to stomach but it's not the right way forward. You shouldn't hurt yourself no more...
I want to say more, i feel i have no right to do so...why? ..I'm the same and just looking for the healthy way out.
Ask for help...counselling, specialists...
Please make sure this is the last shirt you have to bin...don't self inflict pain..you're worth more than that..complete different - peace, happiness, self worth, calm..вє
Reach for those..you're good soul...don't think otherwise
S x
HS & Rob you both are doing something that the majority of addicts don't...you acknowledge the addiction, you keep trying , moving forward even though you sometimes step back. You look within and you face your demons. You fall down and you get back up. I know from watching my son how hard this is and you are right HS gambling is just the symptom.
Take care and best wishes to you both.
No need to apologise, that wasn't a rant, that was honesty & it takes more strength than many people possess to speak out about fear like you have! Addiction has been with you for a long time & of course it's hard to give up something that 'comforts' you but you are working on that by getting stuck into your studying & coming on here...Rome wasn't built in a day!
I don't understand why part of recovery is letting go of anger because some stuff is absolutely unforgivable, but I can see that being angry with people in my past serves me no purpose now! You are not that child that couldn't do right anymore, but you still bear the scars & carry the pain. I can't begin to imagine how frightened & lonely you must feel @ times but I can say as an outsider looking in I have the utmost respect for you! I know it's easy for me to say, step out into the unknown, don't fear it but that doesn't make it easy to do but for what it's worth, I like the others believe you are worth it!
Recovery hurts @ times but you have the strength in you to have come this far, keep pushing - ODAAT
Hey all again ty so much for the support and kinds words.
I have not slipped back to gambling and plus of the self exclusion i could not if i wanted to.
The cutting is how i control the pain on the inside, the hurt and pain i feel as the blood is running down my arm, is a form of release and it a weird way a form of comfort.
Its also a way of telling myself its all iam good for.
I know this is a unhealthy way of release but its what iam used to and in a way it feels safe when i do it.
Its a reassurance and a way i can feel something else other than numb on the inside.
I have exams coming up soon so iam studying 5 hours a day, i wont give up on my degree and i will pass these exams.
And hopeful soul if you need to rant, share, or ask me anything that i can help you with please ask me
Rob
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