Diary of an addict

Hi Nikki, welcome back to the Forum,

Reading back through your posts, you contribute here in short bursts my friend, and then leave for quite a long period of time.

Nothing wrong with that, but from how you write, it clearly motivates you when you are here and writing about how you feel, so I think what you are proposing about coming here every day is something you should stick to my friend, even through there will be days where you feel like it is the last thing you want to do.

People advised you about blocking software, and then you started telling others about it; did you do it yourself? Blocking accounts isn't enough with the vast amount of options out there my friend - it has to be this, or nothing.

It has been four years since your first post my friend. In this time, you have made some progress; your mental afflictions clearly play their part too, but now is the time when you need to put some weight behind your words, otherwise you may be posting something similar, again, in another four years. You don't deserve that, you clearly are a decent, caring person who wants to be the best they can be for your family, but you have to back that up my friend because people can only see what is in front of them.

Make sure you install that software immediately my friend, as soon as you have finished reading this; no excuses, just do it. Then work out a plan of what you can do to tackle this proactively - therapy will help, GA will also help enormously because being around others that are experiencing what you have, as well as listening to them, is enormously liberating.

I feel for you my friend. I gambled for twenty years before stopping six years ago - gambling made me anxious, depressed, tempremental, emotional, deceitful and more besides; I am lucky enough that I didn't suffer these on a clinical basis, but there can be no doubt that compulsive gambling fuels these mental constraints substantially.

Draw a line under your past - it is your future that counts; you slipped, that is fine if you do what is necessary and use it to your advantage. You have an element of control before you start, but once you do, it is almost impossible - analyse that moment, that second that you are about to start - is there anything driving you towards it? What can you do to work your way through it?

The bottom line is that urges are only temporary, they soon pass. Each one that you work through is another step up the ladder towards a better, happier and more controlled life.

I wish you well. Please don't disappear again my friend - keep posting, keep trying different methods and techniques - you will get there and be everything that you have ever wanted to be to your family and more.

JamesP

Thank you JamesP for the insight and advice. You are absolutely right, my former posts are merely of promises i have been trying to keep to myself but never kept and have been forgotten. I have tried the k 9 blocking software and it worked for about 3 months...until i figured out a way to disable it and then had another slip up.

That is how bad my addiction was..I was willing to do anything to try and get that horrible fix. but I will not disappear.. i figure i can use this site to my advantage and so long as I keep my inner promise i truly believe i can conquer this problem of mine. every step of the way i will be writing about my thoughts..i have no intention of just writing for a few days and then giving up..i plan on taking this one day at a time.

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Thanks Rebecca I'll start writing in the recovery section from now on everyday.

Good Luck Nikki,

This addiction is awful and doesn't make us nice people. The deceit that accompanies ithurts the people that love us and your openess is hopefully the start of a wonderful recovery.

I wish you well

Micky