Do I tell her

So, I told her. I’m pretty sure she is going to leave me and tbh I don’t blame her one bit. I have come to realise something through all this, despite the fact I haven’t gambled for over 40 days, the fact that I have put myself in this position is just unforgivable.

We can change, we can resist temptation, we can pay back debt and put our lives back together, but the damage this addiction does to our loved ones is just unforgivable. 

I was supposed to be a role model for our son, a loving husband and a pillar of strength for our family, but although I have made every effort away from gambling to be those things it counts for nothing because this addiction had complete control of my life.

i wondered if when this all blew up in my face whether I would be tempted to relapse, the answer is no, but if I do lose this wonderful family that I am lucky to have then what the hell is the point of anything?

Dear @tryingtochange19 ,

I appreciate the anxiety around what your partner might decide is great at the moment, but ultimately in terms of your recovery honesty is very helpful.

If the worst case scenario were come to pass and she does leave, I hope you will still find the strength to carry on for yourself. All is not lost and you will find you yourself are worth the effort. Look at it as a journey back to yourself, to the person that got obscured by the gambling, but who you still are deep inside. And who knows, the journey might lead you back to your family.

But let's not dismiss the possibility that she is willing to forgive you and to support you in your recovery. 

Either way, every ounce of energy you put into your recovery is so worth it, please keep the focus and please do be proud of yourself for 40 days gf and for finding the courage to be honest.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin 

Thank you, the amazing power of this forum summed up in a few kind words.

I am not sure which way this will go, whether by some miracle she can forgive me or if it is the end I’m not sure. What is obvious is that by telling her I have given both of us a chance to heal, the only way is up from here as it sure as hell cant get any lower.

I think in hindsight waiting to divulge what I’ve been up to was a mistake, I wanted to show some element of recovery to prove I was serious about changing, but really I should have ripped off the band-aid and come straight out with it the moment I made the decision to stop.

there is no trust left in our relationship that’s for sure, and regardless of whether she can forgive only time will tell if we can rebuild.

i am looking forward to a very awkward conversation with my dad later, I’ve no idea how that will go, but having this out in the open can only be a good thing.

i’ve no desire to relapse, if anything seeing the devastation around what I’ve done is even more proof that taking steps to beat this addiction was the right thing to do, and the reality of where I could’ve ended up if I hadn’t is too terrifying to think about.

Out of all the questions I was asked following coming clean, the one that I really can’t answer without making some ham-fisted attempt to justify my actions is, why? Why do we do this to ourselves and those closest to us? 

I have had the accusation levelled at me that it means I don’t care about our lives, I know that couldn’t be further from the truth, that the impulse that takes you away from all common sense isn’t related to anything and if you articulate this, the next question is why can I believe you won’t do it again?

in my situation, gamstop is a genuine barrier, I’m excluded for 5 years, and have never decided to walk into a betting shop or a casino to satisfy some kind of craving, gambling for me was only a thing when I had time on my hands, and I am already filling that time with more productive things, so I feel like all doors for me to relapse are closed, factor in the fact that I genuinely want to beat this and I can see some light.

whether I can convince her that this is the truth is another matter, anything I say is just empty words and quite rightly, it will take time and actions to rebuild our lives, and if I get the chance I will do everything in my power to stay healthy, the only motivation I need is to look at my wife and son, and to realise what I am on this planet for.

thank you again for the kind words, they really do make a difference to people at times when all you can see is darkness

You've been very brave and should be proud. The shame and blame questions will probably always remain, and maybe there isn't an answer. Acceptance and moving forward is the only way.  What's done is done.

Good times follow tough times and the best way to convince anyone of anything is to walk the walk!

My hopes are with you, but even if things don't go the way you wish, don't lose site of the reasons why you had to be honest and keep walking the walk. 

Posted by: bdog

You've been very brave and should be proud. The shame and blame questions will probably always remain, and maybe there isn't an answer. Acceptance and moving forward is the only way.  What's done is done.

Good times follow tough times and the best way to convince anyone of anything is to walk the walk!

My hopes are with you, but even if things don't go the way you wish, don't lose site of the reasons why you had to be honest and keep walking the walk. 

Very well put, sums up exactly how I feel about the last few days.

somehow, it looks like I might hold on to my family through this, although this is purely conditional on me never gambling again. I can not believe how lucky I am to be in this position, I really don’t deserve it, but if anything it’s just re-affirmed what a truly amazing wife and family I have.

Lots of re-building lies ahead, the trust I have broken will take some major fixing, but it’s a chance, and bloody hell am I going to give it everything I’ve got!

Posted by: ALN

Honesty is always the best policy. You can't start to move forward without a good foundation. Hopefully there's no hidden accounts and you've been truly honest with her.

Time now to handover all financial control to your wife, and operate on a hand to mouth basis. Small amounts of cash for daily needs, lunch money, parking, etc. And provide receipts for everything spent. This alongside blocking internet betting and exclusion from local bookmakers will manage the urges and ensure that you're unable to do any further damage whether wanting to or not. Regular production of a detailed credit report, monthly, will also be a move in the right direction and will give your wife further confidence.

Are you going to GA? If not I would strongly recommend this as well as your wife attending a gamanon meeting. It will assist you in your week by week, day by day recovery, as well as giving much needed support to your wife. She needs advice in how to protect herself and your child, both emotionally and financially.

As deceitful gamblers we are able to convince those around us of our sincerity but only by action can we prove the promises made. 

Hopefully you are in the mindset of the above and intend to show this illness the respect it deserves. 

ALN

265days gamble free

She’s got the password for my credit report so nothing can surprise her, tried GA a few times a couple of years back, can see the benefits for some but don’t really think it’s for me. 

If she needs support outside of our family unit then that can only be good for both of us in the long run.

the physical blocks I’ve put in place are a definitive stopper as I can’t get round them even if I wanted to (which I don’t) I’ve given myself the best chance of dealing with this for good but it’s a long tough road no mistake about it.

The pain will fade. GA keeps its members grounded and acts as a guard against complacency. It's a regular reminder of why they don't want to go back to gambling and what's in store if they do. I'd advise giving it another chance.