I feel so low at the moment, feeling so resentfull,angry and hatred towards myself.
All the lies over the years deceipt,broken promises, hurt pain and disapointment I have caused, and for what?
Gambling thats what, I do not ask for sympathy or dont worry its fine.
I hate myself because my logic told me the negative out comes if i continued, and yet for all those years i did it anyway, because I am selfish and heartless and the remorse was soon dispelled when money was won, money I would never use productively or for good, money I would just gamble for the sake of gambling, I can not forgive myself for the person I became and for the hurt I caused, and the real funny part of it is after all that if it was not for self exclusion I would still be in there each day, just destroying myself over and over, then boohoooo sob story i got paid short this month, i got taxed extra, then the cycle would go on.
I am a addict it wont go it will always be there,because simply , i let it stay
Its conforting, destructive and yet some how safe, safe because it is to scary to even try to be happy, because i dont know how, i have been encased in this destructive shell for so long, its all i know, its routine weirdly gives me some sort of structure.
Dont get me wrong i have no intention of seeking other ways to gamble. I just feel permantly altered scarred by the whole experience of it.
Well actually physically scarred aswell because of all the cutting I have done over the years.
So there you go, gambling has won me nothing, and lost me nearly everything.
Its quite funny to think if someone had actually said "Fobts chance to win easy money but higher chance of loosing love,friends,fun times and part of your soul" I would have kept my money got a take away and cuddled and fallen asleep with the love of my life.
Sorry to rant
I truly felt your pain after reading that!! A lot of it I could relate to and I'm afraid that's what it does to most of us. It takes control and rational thinking and logic go out the window & the urge, compoltion to gamble become overwhelming and we continue even though we know what the consequences will be. I totally get what you say about routine & structure but we have to find alternatives so feel that void.
I admire you for what you wrote mate as it struck a chord with me and it was so honest. All we can do is live each day without gambling and hope over time get the lives we so badly want!! Gamble free lives.
Really hope you get what you want mate. Support is available if you need it in all forms. Keep posting on here and reading other stories, I find this helps a lot.
Take care
Paul
You're not selfish and heartless. You're ill. We all are. I can relate to a lot of what you said. We didn't choose to become compulsive gamblers but you have to accept that's what we will be until the day we die and learn to live with it.
Instead of feeling anger and hatred, try to look at it from a positive point of view and change anger and hatred to happiness, normality and self respect that comes from not gambling.
Hi rob there is true in your words and I can feel you really been trough hard times, same here by the way, by the description on your post I'm most definitely sure you bet on roulette, is a mind blowing addiction to have when you're starting to feel better one big loss and your world crashes down.
By staying off gambling...you're winning, that makes you a winner afterall. The more you stay away from gambling, the more you're a winner.
You CAN do it!
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