I had beaten gambling once or so I thought. I had always liked to do a football or horse bet and play fruit machines but it was never anything mad but that changed in 2009. Like a lot of people I started playing the roulette machines in betting shops and what started as a bit of fun became a full blown addiction. I lost ВЈ8000 over a 12 month period. At the start of 2011 my mum caught me in one of the betting shops. She knew I had a problem and I just remember the worried look in her eyes. I made a vow to quit there and then and I did. For the next 4 years I slogged my guts out saving taking up new hobbies and I ended up saving £20000. But there was no happy ending.
I have always suffered with my mental health and I have sought counselling. I only seem to be at my strongest when things are at their worst. I had the foundations to build a good life and move on but i pushed people away and seemed scared to have a normal life. At at the end of 2015 following some personal problems I moved to Manchester and isolated myself from friends and family and having spent a considerable amount of money relocating and with my flat costing me a lot each month things went downhill. I will never forget the day - 8th March 2016 I won ВЈ854 from a ВЈ2.50 Footy bet and it seemed too easy when I collected the money. Anyway that was it I was back playing the machines and putting hundreds on football. Things spiralled out of control so much that I ended up losing £16000 in 7 months. I remember every opportunity I could I was going to the betting shops to the point where I knew the staff by name and enough to have conversations with them about their week! I stopped socialising with people stopped going the gym or playing football. Gambling became my life until I was in such dire straights that I had to quit my job and flat and move back home.
Since then I managed to find another job which I have been in for a year but things haven't improved, they got worse I couldn't get over the second loss and I went on a personal self destruct mission to win it all back but all it has done has left me maxing out my overdraft each month, borrowing money from family and paying them back when I got paid and then repeating the cycle. I ran myself into the ground working overtime only to lose the extra money too or just have enough to pay family back. My hair over the past year has started to go grey from the stress and I have been ill for the last month.
Today I realised how far I had fallen. My uncle helped me out and lent me £300 which I gambled straight away and lost. I had never done that before. In my warped sense of morality any money I was lent I made a point of refusing to gamble as I felt I would be crossing a line, it would be no better than stealing and I crossed that line today. I will pay my uncle back at the end of this month i always do but as I went past a shop window and saw my reflection I didn't recognise myself anymore.
Over the last 18 months I have lost count of the days I have thought of just ending it all. I would go on long walks not planning to return home. The days I have got in from work and broke down in tears. I have lost count of the lies I have told people as to my whereabouts so they didnt know i was gambling or the amount of times I have cancelled things with family and friends because I can't afford to do anything with them. I have estimated that I have lost £30000 over the last decade. Think what you could buy. A decent deposit on a House, holidays, a car. I have to live with this every day and it is hard.
The thing with gambling is as a lot of people on these forums have probably experienced is that even winning becomes pointless. You get to the point with a gambling addiction that you could win hundreds or even a thousand as I have done on a number of occasions but unlike for someone who gambles as a one off and has an amazing win the amount doesn't register, you just keep going. I won ВЈ700 on various things last week. On Friday I walked into a bookmakers to use my free ВЈ5 bet I decided to 'just' play ВЈ20 on roulette. In 20 mins I had lost ВЈ450. I ended up getting 3 lucky spins in a row which got me back to ВЈ520 but I continued to play till I lost it all. I then lost another £400 over the weekend.
I don't expect any sympathy as I refuse to help myself and only have myself to blame. I think the point of typing all this out is to help myself just acknowledge what I have done and hope people who maybe have only just started down this self destructive road realise how bad it can get and it helps them stop. If one person reads this and it scares them into seeing sense at least some good can come out of this.
You lose yourself. You lose all sense of reason and it just doesn't affect you it affects family and friends.
It is going to take me a long long time to get out of this mess but the only consolation is I haven't built up debts with loans, haven't lost a house or my family and can try and salvage something. I don't think the pain will ever go away but I refuse to just fade away and from today I am going to do everything I can to not let this addiction win and to move forward.
To all those out there who are in a bad place with their addiction try and tell yourself tommorow is a new day. The first step to getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.
Hi CBW1985,
Firstly well done on deciding enough is enough and wanting to beat this addiction.
Reading your story i noticed that you never mentioned any "blocks" in place to stop your gambling and thats got to be the first step to start fighting the addiction. You are going to war with the addiction and you need weapons.
I am currently 62 days gamble free and already it is changing my life for the better. No more stress or anger from losing all my money. I'm enjoying my money more and putting it to better use. It's not all about the money but just life without gambling is so much better and I want to help you get there too.
So like I said gambling blocks need to be put in place straight away.
1. Self exclude yourself from every shop bookmaker in the places you live, work, friends and family live, places you could drive too in 30 mins or so. No matter how many shops there are just make a list of what bookie and where, then call the national self exclusion line and they will ban you from all the ones you have chosen in one hit.
2. Self exclude yourself from any online accounts you may have straight away. There is a online self exclusion scheme coming out this spring but for the mean time just SE from them and also open up new accounts with ones you're not on then SE right away.
3. Order a new debit card from the bank, just say you have lost it or something so you have new card details. Then do the following depending on your circumstances. Hand over the card to a partner or a trusted relative/friend and ask them to only give you the card when you need money for essentials or for your hobbies. Then ask them to make sure they can see your statements to prove what you took out. This may seem a little strong but as I gambling addict you need it and it helps any temptation.
There the blocks I put in place and so far it's worked a treat but a few other tips is to seek counselling for your gambling via the gamcare website. I did 8 sessions of counselling earlier this year and although at the time it never fully made me stop. It certainly slowed me down and made me feel better talking to someone about it.
Sorry if I have not made sense in my post. I'm typing on my phone as my laptops broke so I find it a little harder lol
Again all the best mate. Keep your head up. Do the things i have said and others tell you on here. Get that willpower to stop this thing.
Embracing
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