Hopelessly ill, relapsed again.

First of all well done for banning yourself from all sites!!! 

Secondly, suicide is NOT the answer - however bad it seems it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

I spoke to step change in regards to my money situation and they helped me endlessly. 

I'm 2 weeks gamble free and I can finally see the light. I was ready to end it all 2 weeks ago too. There's so much to live for - don't let something like gambling take that away from you. It's not worth it. 

Like yourself I'm 24 - 20k in debt - but you know what? It's only money and I'm still here to write to you and tell you everything will be ok. Xx 

Hello Sonny,

Sorry to read you are struggling. I know how you feel, i've been there. The truth is you are starting to get in deep with addiction now. When your at a point of NOTICING the damage and still continuing to gamble the real pain and torment of addiction come into focus. I know its hard to see a way out when we are this low but this can be the start of the end if you choose it to be. You say you have blocked most sites, i know for a fact it only takes access to one. I kept that open for months after i was clearly digging a deep hole finacially.

So, the question you need to ask yourself is "what now?". We have to stop ourselves but we have to reailse thats the case. You can't trust yourself with money or access to it or gambling sites etc. So what are you going to do to take control of your situation and block what has become your go to reponse to life, gambling.

There's a lot of help out there. Blocks, counselling, support groups. Are you ready to give yourself up to them and this support? You are still young. It took me from before 16 down the arcades up until 29. With my 30th approching and over 11k of debt to admit i needed the help that was there all the time if only i had asked for it.

Take control by giving up control of money. Before you know it time passes and it will pass you by if you don't get help. Just ask.

All the best.

i purposely lost yesterday so i can kick the habit for good. im 28 and have lost thousands over years at minimum buy ins. truth is gambling sites are there to drain your money even if you win. 

youve blocked your account. now download betblocker.org. its free and will secures you from online gambling anyway. on your phone and computer. youd be suprised at how much more you value youself and money once you ban yourself. 

Hi Sonny,

It sounds like you’re having a tough time. We have all been there.

Have you looked at attending a GA meeting in your area? The support, guidance and strength it will give you will help. You are still young at 24, if you can stop this horrible illness now you will have a great life. 

Gamstop, have you signed up? Gamban is a gambling blocking software it won’t let you access anything gambling related. Do both, get as many barriers in place as possible. Could your brother look after your money on pay day? Tie up your time and your money is what I got told early on when I stopped gambling, it works. It’s sounds like you’ve got a great brother there & a supportive family.

All the best 

All of the above is fantastic advice but you MUST take it and act.

You are still so young, imagine being a gambler till you are over 50 like me?Stop now...money is gone forget it and then deal with it.Tough few months to begin with but I promise you it gets better.

You must ban  from the lot for maximum 5 years .

Please take time to step back and think about this, carry on and you will get deeper into debt.

I wish I had this advice when I was 24.good luck there is hope if you want it.some short term pain now for a lifetime of gain.read the advice back again and if you truly want to stop you will act

Posted by: Sonny11

I started posting on this site about  a month ago, I tried really hard to stay clean but since then I had several relapses, I really don't know what to do and today is the worst of all days, living with myself has become hell for me.

I got my wages for the whole month today and I gambled the whole amount away in about 3 hours. Started with an usual small deposit, thought I would treat myself a bit and it went out of control. I am ashamed and my self-esteem is non-existent, I cried uncontrollably in front of my kid brother. I could have done so many nice things with that money, I worked so hard for it, plus my family isn't well off by any means. While I was loosing the last hundreds, I was sure that I was going to commit suicide after the session was over, I was going to do it, got up thought about it, but couldn't even do that. Hurt my families feelings multiple times because of this in the past and now my brother had to witness it.  I really love my family from the bottom of my heart, caused nothing but pain and suffering thanks to my illness called gambling. 

This state of mind is the darkest place I have ever been in. Suicide's on my mind right now as I'm typing, but thoughts of my family stop me from doing it. It would only add to their stress, my kid brother (19) who always looks up to me had to witness me crying and tried his best to calm me down. That image makes me cry, this is what gambling has done to me at the age of 24. 

If my mom asks me to lend her some money tomorrow (she knows I got paid, I told her), I won't be able to support her  and this feeling is killing me.....  For all she has done for me I can't even support her with small amount of funds, please if anyone is reading this and is contemplating whether to quit gambling once and for all  do it, it has ruined me completely. Control your loved ones not be trapped in this quicksand called gambling. 

I blocked almost all my online accounts with the help of my brother, but at this point it doesn't even matter to tell you the truth, I am doomed and I can't help myself... 

I would be glad if this is helpful to someone (at least one useful thing I can do today). 

Thanks for your attention.

 

Hi

Thank you for your posting.

The recovery program will help you understand when you are emotionally vulnerable and know how to cope with your emotional triggers.

Please do not give up in your self keep investing time and energy and if possible have a healthy sponsor will aid your recovery as soon as possible.

My time in the recovery program was a good investment and how my life has improved can be measured in simple terms.

The recovery helps us help our self towards healthy living and healthy choices.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape from people life and situations.

The recovery program is not a race, it took me along time to get healthier, and become aperson I can be proud of today.

With each lie comes further pains I was not able to heal or resolve.

Burying my pains was not healthy for me.

Please do not give up faith and hope in your self.

You are worth much more than hurting your self and causing your self destruction.

No matter how many times you break out Gambling you are still very welcome in the recovery program.

The only requirement in the recovery program is a desire to stop Gambling and stop hurting your self.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi sonny

Welcome for coming on this site it's a step to recovery I know how hard it is I also get the suicidal feelings but no matter how hopeless,down or you feel your letting family down just keep thinking of your brother it would tear them apart if you died so keep going might not seem like it and its a long journey but there is hope.

Well done blocking sites hope you used gamstop it's helped me lots ..I am also in my 20s and feel like I messed them up but keep going in hope things can improve here if you ever need a chat 🙂

I want to thank every one of you for your support, it means a great deal to me.

Today is yet another day 1 of being gambling free, at this moment I am still in panic mode and don't how to survive till the end of the month, also the thought that my mother will find out that I let her down once more is killing me.

Theoretically I know the reasons for my addiction and ways to overcome it, but it's the practice that's the hardest part. Removing my online accounts from my reach will help for sure, I want to look ahead and have hope but this state of agony won't leave me.

When I see  all of the people here who have suffered from the same problem, I can't help myself not to get angry, gambling addiction is worse than smoking or even drugs to my mind and yet nothing has been done to somehow regulate these kind of facilities. When I think about the way I gamble and the amounts I bet it is absolutely clear, that while gambling I have no rational reasoning or intelligence whatsoever, on the other hand I am quite successful for my age, I study at the university and have a interesting job, that pays decent amount of money. I'm left to believe that the gambling facilities are designed to encourage the irrationality of a person, taking advantage of it and until you know, you're already hooked on it. At the end of the day we must find power in ourselves to take control on the stressful situations in life, because I strongly believe that (at least for me) wanting to escape the daily routine, problems and issues are the main triggers of gambling. 

Thanks again, please feel free to reply with your thoughts regarding the matter above, it is more than welcomed. I hope this hell on earth will soon be over for myself and for everybody who is struggling because of gambling.

Stay Strong!

Posted by: Sonny11

I started posting on this site about  a month ago, I tried really hard to stay clean but since then I had several relapses, I really don't know what to do and today is the worst of all days, living with myself has become hell for me.

I got my wages for the whole month today and I gambled the whole amount away in about 3 hours. Started with an usual small deposit, thought I would treat myself a bit and it went out of control. I am ashamed and my self-esteem is non-existent, I cried uncontrollably in front of my kid brother. I could have done so many nice things with that money, I worked so hard for it, plus my family isn't well off by any means. While I was loosing the last hundreds, I was sure that I was going to commit suicide after the session was over, I was going to do it, got up thought about it, but couldn't even do that. Hurt my families feelings multiple times because of this in the past and now my brother had to witness it.  I really love my family from the bottom of my heart, caused nothing but pain and suffering thanks to my illness called gambling. 

This state of mind is the darkest place I have ever been in. Suicide's on my mind right now as I'm typing, but thoughts of my family stop me from doing it. It would only add to their stress, my kid brother (19) who always looks up to me had to witness me crying and tried his best to calm me down. That image makes me cry, this is what gambling has done to me at the age of 24. 

If my mom asks me to lend her some money tomorrow (she knows I got paid, I told her), I won't be able to support her  and this feeling is killing me.....  For all she has done for me I can't even support her with small amount of funds, please if anyone is reading this and is contemplating whether to quit gambling once and for all  do it, it has ruined me completely. Control your loved ones not be trapped in this quicksand called gambling. 

I blocked almost all my online accounts with the help of my brother, but at this point it doesn't even matter to tell you the truth, I am doomed and I can't help myself... 

I would be glad if this is helpful to someone (at least one useful thing I can do today). 

Thanks for your attention.

Suicide is not the answer mate, the good thing is that you work. You can start paying the loans off bit by bit, it’s only a temporary issue. The real issue is the gambling and you’ve done the right thing by suspending your accounts. The best thing to do is find new hobbies for yourselve, because the thing I found with my addiction is that I always go too it when I’m bored and I have nothing to do. Your problems will end before your life dude. Stay strong ? 

Hey Sonny,

I’m over 40, educated (degree and masters), decent job (50k+), house, family and loads of debt! ..... and I’ve only just started to crack this. I’m about 130 days gamble free which beats my record over the last 20 years by...about 129 days!

Its going to be tough, but you’ve taken the steps at a young age that many of us would take if we had our time again.

People talk about “difficult conversations” you may need to have. In my line of work I call them “necessary conversations” and things don’t differ here. Yes, it will be difficult, but if it’s necessary to move forward, then it has to happen.

My top tips:

block and limit access to finance

get a hobby to relieve boredom

dont dwell on what’s gone. It’s gone. Move forward.

visit here regularly, support others and eventually you’ll be proud of what you’ve achieved.

Im no expert and I don’t want to preach, but it’s working for me and I challenge you to give it a go.

Those necessary conversations become easier. It took me about 90 (3 lots of bank statements) days to tell someone and I told them with pride “ I haven’t gambled for 90 days and I realise now that I was gambling too much”. I showed them my statements, but didn’t show the old stuff. It was necessary... but wasn’t that difficult because I had regained control and was proud to show it.

You can do the same. 

Hi Sonny11

I had several relapses, each time  went back to my addiction was a lesson to learn from.

Living with guilt shame and remorse was a very unhealthy habit for me.

By sticking with the recovery program I was able to replace unhealthy habits with healthy habits .

You mention state of mind for me understanding from my past I was emotionally traumatized long before my addictions and obsessions.

The darkest place for me was isolating myself with my pains and my fears.

Being at the age of 24 is a healthy blessing.

You finding a healthy recovery now will save you a lot of pains later on.

I would be glad if this is helpful to someone (at least one useful thing I can do today). 

Thanks for your sharing.

 

I had several relapses, each time  went back to my addiction was a lesson to learn from.

Living with guilt shame and remorse was a very unhealthy habit for me.

By sticking with the recovery program I was able to replace unhealthy habits with healthy habits .

You mention state of mind for me understanding from my past I was emotionally traumatized long before my addictions and obsessions.

The darkest place for me was isolating myself with my pains and my fears.

Being at the age of 24 is a healthy blessing.

You finding a healthy recovery now will save you a lot of pains later on.

I would be glad if this is helpful to someone (at least one useful thing I can do today). 

Thanks for your sharing.

 

Hi

Please take the recovery program seriously.

Once you help your self and become healthy you will no longer need to hide in your fears and your pains.

The addictions and obsessions were very unhealthy for me.

I did not know how unhealthy I was until I found my healthy recovery.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham