well in my last post i was determined that that was it i had hit rock bottom and i was going to sort myself out, but here i am again in the same miserable position as i was 6 months ago. i thought i gambled to win money but over the last few months i have realised that it cant be that. i have had a few decent wins while playing online slots but instead of cashing out i upped my stake and lost the lot!! if it was about the money i clearly wouldnt do that and even if i have managed to to cash out as soon as it hits my bank it goes straight back into online sites. i am in despair its all i think about when i can next gamble i spend every penny i have on it while i have 2 young children at home a house to run and a wonderful fiancee. im 25 now and have been gambling since i was about 18 it started in casinos with my mum who also had a gambling addiction and i have had ups and downs since that. but over the last 12 months it has really spireled out of control. my mum died in november suddenly and pretty much since then i have gambled everyday, i dont know why? am i using her death as an excuse to gamble my life away. i earn enough money to pay my bills and have a pretty ok life but when i gamble i cant even afford to get the bus to work. i dont know what is wrong with me i feel like the low of the low, i know my kids and fiancee dont deserve this, he knows about my problem but has no idea the extent of it, i have done some terrible things to gamble including pawning my engagment ring and taking money from his account and even though i have seen the hurt i have caused i still go back for more. i no im never going to be a "winner" as i can never say enough is enough so if the house always wins why do i insist on going back. Gambling makes me a dishonest person i dont like who i am when i do it i lie, i close my self off from the world im short with my kids in fact im short with anyone. this illness is so soul destroying. I would greatly appreciate any advice you could give me as currently i am in a pit of shame and despair and really dont know how to get out of it, i havent paid a bill in months im lying about where my money is going but worst of all im causing suffering to those i love and i dont want to be that person anymore ive lost who i am and i really miss the fun loving person i used to be i want her back. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Hi there I lost my girlfriend / best friend in February, then lost the plot with gambling after being very controlled for a few months. I think you may well still be grieving for your mum, gambling provides an escape & temporarily 'heals' the emotional pain, but just makes things worse. Then you grieve for the money lost as well. There's an article exploring the connection between grief and gambling here (opens with adobe reader) : http://www.nyproblemgambling.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Lisa-Athan-GamblingandGrief20121.pdf
i have had a look at the link below thanks for sharing it, and im sorry to hear of your loss. i totally agree gambling does provide you with an escape but unbelievable remorse once you are finished io have never been so miserable. for the 1st time i have just self excluded myself from every site i have ever joined took me around 3 hours just to do that i have always in the past had a cool off period and counted down the days until i was able to go back on but not anymore. i totted up that i have spent a little over 2000 in 3 weeks and this is a regular occurance for me, now is the time for change, i hope we can both find the strength we need to make it out of this and becom the people we used to be. good luck
Hi jess - First of all, well done on self-excluding which will be an immense help. Have you also installed a blocking program (K9 is good and it's free). With these two things in place it will be so much easier for you to start on your recovery. Your story is so familiar to me, apart from the age difference, and be glad that you are young enough to turn your life around and put gambling behind you completely.
I agree with davey that perhaps you are using gambling as an escape from your sadness; we can also be open to temptation if we are feeling lonely, bored or fed up with our particular situation.
If you visit this site often you will find a lot of advice, support and inspiration from people who have overcome so many problems. You will also see that you are not alone.
You will start to feel so much better just after a day without gambling- yes, the guilt will be there, but try to put negative thoughts to one side and concentrate on ridding yourself of this soul-destroying addiction and beginning a new life with your children and fiance.
Best wishes,
Joanna
hi baggins thanks for your support. yes i got my partner to install it on the laptop and my phone and add the password so i can not access it. i can see that using gambling as an escape is something i do probably do as im quite a closed off person so its a way for me to block things before i even start thinking of them i have agreed to go to coucilling to tackle this issue as i know i have to take every measure i can to succeed. i hope your journey is going successfully, and i do intend to use this as my main source of support whilst im in the house of the day which is my biggest tempation( no doubt people will be sick of the sight of me haha ) im just grateful to knwo there is a place where others are experiencing the same as me and are able to give their support and encouragement.
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