I just dont know where to start.... I am a mother in my late twenties, I have a loving husband, good friends - you know what I mean - all is good in the world - except my never-ending battle with gambling addiction.
Every so often I realise what a fool I am and I come on this site, I stop the gambling, I get K9 on my pc. But slowly everytime it creeps back into my life and before I know it I am suffering again with great financial loss!
It is always the same pattern, just a few quid in the bookies now and then, a few wins lead me back to try to win again, then losses lead me back to trying to win back what I have lost.
Before I know it I am back here where I am now, where any spare time is 'gambling time'.
I got the password of my husband for the k9 - he trusted me with it so I could play a few games of bingo now and then - but of course I have signed to every site again, I have just spent some time self-excluding from them all again.
But I dont know what else to do... I cant tell my husband (or anyone) how bad it is again, I just need to stop! I want to stop!!!
I hate having this desire to gamble taking over my life one again. Why cant I stop forever??
I am feeling very very low, very depressed and this is not good for my bipolar illness.
I feel so ashamed.
Hi Rainbowdream,
I understand how you feel, completely.
I've stopped for over five years after gambling for twenty; when I tried to stop, I realized how much of my life had been taken over it - despite stopping, I ate my lunch and dinner in the Bookmakers and played all the free simulators day and night. Needless to say, this almost always led to relapse.
I thought I was "confronting my demons", I thought that slowly giving up was the answer. How wrong I was - I now know that it has to be zero tolerance on every single level; it isn't about the few games of bingo that you play, it is about the feelings it will bring out of you, and what those feelings will lead to.
There will be down days, there will be up days, there will be dark days, and there will be bright days - there will also be strong urges for a time but it all subsides; it is a gradual and often painstaking process but you will get there in the end if you are focused and patient. If the urges are strong "ride the storm"; they will soon pass, as they always do after a time.
Ask your partner to not allow you the password under any circumstances. In fact, it is better if both of you throw it away and forget all about it. I'm sure he meant well but what you are doing just can't happen.
However strong the urge, nothing is worth how you are feeling right now. Accept zero tolerance and all that involves - even pennies in a penny arcade is too much for you, again, not for what they are, but what they will ultimately do for you.
Forever will come for you my friend, but you have to keep going until you are strong enough where working through your urges (if they still exist) becomes second nature. Remember that one game, one spin will lead you spiralling back to where you are now, at a very, very low point - even if you win, you still do great damage to your equilibrium; it will just make you want more.
JamesP
How right you are James! I just started an online chat to one of the advisers on this site and they have put me in touch with a counsellor who I will see once a week for 12 weeks.
We spoke about self exclusion from the shops I visit and getting my husband to change the k9 password again, and like you say, not to give it to me under ANY circumstances.
I can not believe I am back here again in this shallow place... I really thought I was better and I had overcome this addiction, but I guess like an alcoholic, I will always be in recovery...
Thank you for your kind words.
You're very welcome RainbowDream, no problem at all.
I have never really liked the term "always in recovery" - it does paint a very dark cloud over our future and that really shouldn't be the case.
It is always good to be wary though, and to be honest with yourself. I have known people stop for thirty years and can't remotely remember what an urge feels like, but that doesn't mean you should ever drop your subconscious guard.
Look at this as another stepping stone my friend - another phrase I not fond of is "Day 1" - think of it as part 2 - you have learned a great deal, you have done very well; that shouldn't mean you are starting from the beginning again.
I wish you well my friend and hope the counselling goes well for you.
JamesP
I had my first meeting with the counseller yesterday. It was an assessment and they have offered me 16 sessions on a weekly basis.
MY husband came with me to the meeting which I think may have helped him a bit.
It was hard admitting the extent of my problem but I am hopeful that these sessions will help me overcome (or at least control) my gambling addiction....
Good luck Rainbow Dream, I hope your sessions help you. I am in my late 20's and I have been battling with gambling since I was 15ish, Its so soul destroying. Up until yesterday I hadn't gambled for 13 days, but as I got paid at the weekend I went and blew over £1000 leaving myself with nothing for the coming month. I feel so angry with myself. when I get an urge I feel it really helps to come on here and read stories and remind yourself of how much gambling wrecks peoples lives. If only I had done that yesterday before I gambled, for me its doing these things before gambling instead of letting that strong urge of gambling win. I have been seeing a counsellor for 2 years and I am still struggling, just can't see the light I really hope your sessions work for you and it's great that your husband is going with you, he can learn about the illness and support you, wish my partner could make it to come with me it would be great if he could get educated to help me a bit. Best of luck 🙂
hi my gambling was so out of control two years ago it almost ruined my life. I was so ill because of it my family became aware of what I was doing they had no idea before that. my hubby took control all my finances where transferd into is bank my cards where cancelled and I had no access to money at all. he spoke to all relevant companies that I had managed to get myself into debt with and was very honest and explained to them my situation and they were great agreeing a payment plan that we could afford to pay has the gambling had also resulted in myself losing my job. two years on I have never gambled again and he has just started to transfer money back into my account to pay a direct debit but I still don't know my card number as he still has it. but I have no urge to seek out the card knowing there is money in the account. I have never been in a bingo hall or a betting shop in my life my problem was online bingo sights it wasn't even the bingo it was the slots that was my addiction and the problem is you never take out your winnings because of the time they hold it before putting it into your account you have already gone back and gambled it and spent more money when that has gone. I was a 44 year old professional who had never gambled before it took twelve months for my life to spiral out of control because of these sights and I realize now it was an underlining problem that I should of sought help for and because I didn't the gambling was my release at that time. I urge anybody to speak to someone and to be totally honest before it takes complete control and ruins your life. my family have been through hell because of this, but they have forgiven me but it will take a long time before I forgive myself for what I have put them through. I hope this helps someone out there I know how you are feeling but I promise you if you can open up to somebody its the first day of the rest of your life getting back to normal.
I am sorry it has taken me a year to reply!!
How are things for you now? x
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