I really feel bad for writing all these dark posts, but it is the only way i can share it and express it. So again sorry to burden you all with it
Rob
Still not gambling,
But started cutting again.
I know it sounds weird and abnormal but its a way of release.
I sit alone in a empty room,
In a chair no one around,
Filled with hurt sadness and fear,just want a hug and a kind ear.
I long to feel her arms around me,that comforting familar smell, then to close my eyes and everything tell
But alas that is not to be, because i dont want anyone to see the broken me.
My sleeve was rolled, skin exposed a feeling of comfort rose.
The razor pushed hard then dragged back, the familar sting is once again back.
The comfort and release soon arrives, blood starts to trickle down familar lines.
Inside i feel dark but yet awake,
The numbness and sorrow on their return their wait.
For the brief moment of blood and pain,some control i do gain.
The heart break, failures, bad memories and fears, do for that moment disapear.
I dont want to feel so hurt inside,so i counter it with pain from the outside.
Hi Rob
it sounds like you have managed to stop gambling but you are still struggling to manage your emotions. I have difficulty in this area and have found two things that help. One is exercise and the other is meditation. Someone mentioned meditation to me and I thought it was all mumbo jumbo but that quiet 15 min per day helps to calm me and provided me with a healthy escape.
I do not know if you have tried counselling before but this might help you to discuss your emotions in a safe place.
take care and be kind to yourself
Rob, please never feel bad about writing dark posts. This forum amongst other things is about churning/ purging the S****e we feel inside.
Your right, cutting is something I find surreal not weird or abnormal. Them latter thoughts are no good.
I've often read and agreed that addictions is away of self harm, so your presence on this forum has educated me in the sense that near on everything is on a sliding scale.
I've read on your other diary about the admirable studying your doing. Just, make sure that you also give yourself some ' Me ' time.
Your a survivor Rob, now it's time to believe in yourself...
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