For real, I'm sitting here on a Saturday night with no one to call up and go out to have a good time with. How ffing sad at 40. All my best friends are now married and mortgaged with kids. They moan about the stress of kids and how their "missus" P****s them off sometimes, but it's all in good jest really. I'm not laughing though. Every chance I had at happiness I blew because of my gambling and now I'm reaping what I sowed. Part of me thinks Boom! You f*****g deserve it! But now I'm too old to repair the damage because at 40 I can't go to clubs and be the sad old "dad" I laughed at when I was in my 20's, and any girl who's s**y isn't interested in a bankrupt overweight ex-gambler.
I used to be successful and was lucky enough to own a flat in a very fashionable part of London. I lost my job and sold my flat, (to be honest neither was as a direct result of gamblng, I could always cover my loses). But it was a symptom of my gambling that I believed I was destined to win the motherload if only I just continued betting and didn't give up.
Now I sit here alone with nothing. (Boo-hoo, hey?) And I've got no access to credit anymore, but a few hundred right now left in my bank account from working d**n hard this past week. But remembering what I've lost in the world, that few hundred seems an insult, why not risk it to get back up to "where I belong?"
I'm really looking for a good reason not to chance it right now. I know it's a stupid thing to do - of course I will lose, then I'll be back on here tomorrow moaning about my wonderful insight yet lack of willpower etc. I know all that. But I've lost so much in life and it's all my fault. The ONLY way I can see to get back up there is to win a lot of money and act like nothing happened.
Does anyone understand what I'm saying?
I'm not looking for advice, I'm looking for understanding right now and a reason not to risk what I have left in the small hope of getting lucky...
Thank you if you've read this far.
Hi molehill, massively understand where you're coming from, am pacing around thinking it's only 20.42, what do I do with the rest of my evening now!! A lot of time to be filled now we've kicked it, but I guess this is real life for better or worse. Personally going to have a glass of wine and draw a line under the day. Can't give you any advice or earth shattering statement to make it feel better, but just wanted you to know you are not alone. Stay clean and safe
Thank you Casey, that means a lot.
I'm pacing with you right now! Let's not give in.
mx
I know where are you are coming from, hence why I am here on a Saturday night. It's easy to slip into the "self pity"/"if only" state of mind. I try and remember that gambling got me here and its not going to get me out of it.
Good work! Into kitchen and turn, back to lounge, repeat, just stopped for an ice pole for energy, pacing onwards towards victory...
Casey wrote:
Good work! Into kitchen and turn, back to lounge, repeat, just stopped for an ice pole for energy, pacing onwards towards victory...
Haha! Love that! You've given me the strength I needed. Thank you for real.
I love writing almost as much as I loved gambling. What works for me is to write everything I'm feeling, it's a poor substitute when I've got that urge, but it gets me through. If you're pacing right now, try writing down everything you're feeling on a private scrap of paper. It really helps me most times.
When it doesn't help me I turn to red wine, then I turn to here. But it 9 times out of 10 writing down my thoughts when I get the urge really helps me. I hope it'll help you too. Anything to avoid the b******P of depositing money feeling lucky, LOSING, moaning and making promises about never again, etc.
Mole x
Thank you Mole, will try that now, got to be less tiring than pacing and might help relax the 100 mile an hour mind! Try to get a good nights sleep x
I did it! I fought my urge and didn't gamble. s**t boring night alone, but at least when I wake up tomorrow I'll feel good that I didn't give in.
Cheers y'all. x
Any time I log on to express myself in distress the most innocent words like **** or ******* are beeped?!
What a massive help to people in emotional distress who find this website and get the guts to post their feelings, only to find their words are moderated.
mx
I guess my anger is misdirected, I'm probably angry at myself for all the money I've lost over the years. I'm trying to change, and I've done pretty good in not giving in to all the adverts, websites, mail that offers me free money.
I guess I'm disappointed that when I feel tempted to gamble I come on to a site like this and get support, but then I realise that my words have been censored and edited.
Best wishes to you all who are fighting your addiction.
Mole x
You did it! That's the most important thing, Sunday will be a much better day now, well done Mole
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