Firstly I would like to sincerely apologise to everyone for going off in a huff and deleting my posts. Totally wrong, childish and hurtful of me. I was hurting deep inside ,deeply confused and clinically depressed. It wont happen again.
Thanks to Gamcare for being highly professional and saying I was welcome back.
I'm back having finally taken the important steps needed. I went on for a while stopping for say three weeks then relapsing. I got a new credit card with a low balance, used it carefully, paid it off every couple of weeks then started binge gambling with it. Paid it off got sensible for a short while then..... bang Im drawing another £100 and gambling it all away again
I was still walking out with that gutted depressed feeling of losing everything. Up or down, it was continuing to play that was most important thing driving my mind.
I booked the doctors under advice from the jobcentre. I walked in to all the places I had been gambling and told them to escort me out if they ever see me trying to gamble. I made sure that I told several staff members over three days while I filled out forms and gave them a passport photo.
Now you could say that is flawed but it certainly puts the barriers up as far as Im concerned and I wouldnt lose face by walking in. Its a huge weight off and I feel great about it. I do have to be careful in other towns if Im in an aimless mood.
The doctor says I'm clinically depressed and counselling is booked. Lonely, Jobless, Aimless...too right I was and am depressed. Propping up against a machine was my shot straight into the vein. On my last binges I realised I was seeking these highs just to feel normal/loved/excited/ part of something. I realise those gambling places were selling me the dopanine/adrenaline drug I was after. That feeling of gambling was a strong draw even if the real fun went long ago. I wouldnt really describe it as excitement but theres certainly a feeling the mind craves as if someone or luck is on my side
The half empty pubs cafes and gathering places couldnt provide what I was after They should have done but I was ill with addiction. I had become isolated and was seeking dopamine highs from a machine rather than human company.
I understand the process of kidding yourself and not being ready to take the proper steps to break the addiction.
Anyway it was mainly to aplogise and Im not going overboard like I have any advice to offer. I realise that some people will quite rightly be upset with me. d**n that addiction and it took around £2000 pounds away from me in the worst year of my life. I feel calm now like Ive started to put some proper steps in place. I will also look at getting to a GA meeting in this area because I must go all the way with counselling and advice. I will simply keep a personal diary and let people know that abstinence can be achieved
Welcome back 🙂
Deleting your posts was rash but humans don't always think straight & Gamcare should have systems in place so that this couldn't have happened (such as a time limit on editing posts...It's handy to go back in when we've been bleeped but after 24 hours I can't see the merit of an edit capability)!
It must taken a lot of strength to come back & hopefully now you will figure out which tools you need to put that fight to good use - ODAAT
Great words in your share. So true about the chemical high we seek at the slots and end up devistated because it only takes from us and never really gives us anything back. Sounds like you have some help in place and I offer you validations on you efforts! odaat... thx. for sharing and keep coming back. Maybe deleting posts is like a way of starting new. I think its' okay. Everything is okay as it is. All the best. t2
ODAAT wrote:
Welcome back 🙂
Deleting your posts was rash but humans don't always think straight & Gamcare should have systems in place so that this couldn't have happened (such as a time limit on editing posts...It's handy to go back in when we've been bleeped but after 24 hours I can't see the merit of an edit capability)!
It must taken a lot of strength to come back & hopefully now you will figure out which tools you need to put that fight to good use - ODAAT
Thanks ODAAT and tara2
Yes even though I like the editing feature, they should prevent mass deletion after a short while and It shouldnt have been possible
I got accused of double standards which was right. I got in a silly huff and thought I wont advise people even though I had said some fairly good things. I did feel stupid about advising people when I was relapsing myself. I felt caught out to be honest and the truth hurts 🙂
It took a long time but I was so angry and confused with myself that I removed it all
I wasn't thinking straight and I clearly couldnt handle the truth about my half hearted efforts to tackle the problem. I was great with advice but still relapsing every few weeks. For some reason I simply wasnt ready to do the right thing because of my own pride, vanity or embarrassment
I was wrong .It was disrespectful to the OPs on threads and bad for the forum users. I was very confused about my own situation.
They have my self exclusion forms /photograph now and I feel great. I didnt feel embarrassed and felt confident in my request. They were all helpful. Its shut it down dead although I will never be complacent. I wouldnt dare go in now and that process has drawn a firm line for me.
Its the best thing Ive done in ages and Im working through why I didnt do it earlier this year.
Work through stuff to help you along this recovery road but try not to beat yourself up anymore about what you did & didn't do...You can't change it & what is important is moving forwards from here!
It's often easy to know what we need to do just not so easy putting it into practise so just because you weren't following it didn't mean your advice wasn't invaluable to others! For what it's worth, I don't need to re-read the nuggets that I have received & you are the most important person here anyway so onwards & upwards Joydivider - ODAAT
Hi joy divider I've been reading posts of yours on other peoples threads and just wanted to pop over and say I like what you say and how you come accross. I wish you well with your own recovery. - wcid
Thanks.
Yes I do my best. I try different angles to get through to people and try and help them.
I like to help on here when I can and only do it now Im free from gambling. It keeps me focused. Im not really fighting urges now but it helps me to talk through how ill I was.
I wasnt ready for the truth and I thank the person who pointed out that I was previously advising people but relapsing myself. That was part of the process of finally doing something positive about it and rejoining the forum
I sense that some people want it put in a certain way and I try to do that. What they will get is the truth even if I may sometimes sound a bit tougher or more direct than they would like
I hope that people will continue to use the forum and let us know how they are getting on. Some people never seem to reply again which saddens me but I understand thats up to them. Everyone uses the forum as they wish to
Best wishes to everyone on the forum
Just a quick one are you aware of the self exclusion phone number you can excluded from multiple bookies in a certain area with. I have done this to spears the field so to speak. There is a thread on this page with more details of you don't know about it.
KTF
Yes thanks Oldhamktf. Keeep telling people about that. I think I saw your thread.
It certainly looks good. The more methods of excluding the better, especially if it allows blocking from multiple bookies in one go.
I always say that blocking is an essential and extremely positive step
Joyrider
I came to read your page if that is okay.
I have spent years of deleting my social media site, when life was way to much for me to handle, or people got to close to the mentalness I felt I was feeling, then I would delete the social media site, transfer only the ones I felt were friendly not to close. Done that for so many years, but its the facing the fear. Sure all people who have kept a secret, and this gambling is a secret for many, I have only told my therapist and yourselves on this site the extent of my gambling, although I have not seen her for a month and already I have damaged £2k so I need to re-address that conversation with my therapist. But, the reason I think you deleted any posts is because of not wanting people to get to know you as the true you with the addiction. And I am guessing, the deleting also became an addiction to stop people really understanding you. This is just my opinion, also one trying to understand.
Hope you have got better with this with your CB therapy.
Bella.
Thanks Bella.
I just felt caught out when someone pointed out the truth that I was in no fit state to be advising people. I suppose you are also right in that I wanted to go and hide again. I just had a childish huff because the truth hurt
I had always been a secretive gambler. I didnt like it if anybody stood close to me. I was substituting human relationships and the real pleasures in life for a gambling machine. I had become a loner and jaded with life.
I am now well over 100 days free amd looking forward to meeting the 250 day challenge.
Best wishes
Hi, just read your diary, well done, it's early days for me but going well and this site it brill, I get inspired so much by stories on here and the helpful tips best wishes x
No worries Anon100. Is this thread still coming up Ho ho 🙂
I try my best to be honest and helpful to others. I try and write so its interesting to people on the forum.
When I first joined the forum it was a new experience for me. I had great advice but it took me 10 months to really tackle my problem. I couldnt handle the truth at that stage. I was confused about the addiction and thought I could handle it myself. I nodded along to the advice but did nothing about it other than believing my own willpower would be enough.
It wasnt. I managed a month through fear while desperately paying bills. Then I relapsed and kept relapsing. I kidded myself along by thinking the gambling was getting less and less. It wasnt really as I was kidding myself and stubbornly thinking I could handle this myself. It was actually a mix of excuses delusion, mind control and embarrassment at the thought I would have to request a self exclusion form. My mind was actually congratulating me for six days so I could have a gamble again.....crazy times where my mind was in control and didnt want to give up
It took a desperate low at Christmas and a few days of complete emotional breakdown. Then I went straight out with the photographs and started self excluding. Then I put measures in place with my family to ensure I was monitored, reported my status and had no access to money from them or anywhere without fully monitoring where it was going on bills and goods. I still report to them regularly on rent status, bills and a tiny limit credit card which I pay off every month
What has happened over the 300 days is I have grown much stronger and I now see things so clearly and calmly. Sometimes I cant believe it was me that threw thousands away. Its clear how seriously addicted and ill I once was.
I dont miss it and I dont think about it in that way. I just get on with my life. Im far too busy and happy doing other things and actually buying things I want
Best wishes to everyone on the forum
Hi Joydivider
I have beenreading your posts and they are very inspirational and helpful. Over the past three years, I have been going off and on with gambling mainly to chase my losses and my debt has gone bigger and bigger. To an extent that I am feel utterly dazed and numb when I think about it. I am finding it hard to accept that the lost money will never come back and I feel confronting myself against the delusion that gambling will bring it back. After my last and another very expensive relapse I decided yet again this is it and took really drastic steps - cut up all my credit cards, ordered new debit card and gave it to my wife so that I dont remember the card number, started living on sandwich allowance. I can already see the benefits. I will now re-self exclude myself from online/offline. Any advice on how to deal with the bad and bitter feelings of losses and gigantic debts? What I am doing is not thinking about it and focusing on the present. Thanks.
Hi Shattered79.
You have taken some great measures as thats what it takes.
I dealt with the thought of money wasted in quite a few ways,
Firstly I focused on the fact that I spent 10 months chasing and it only made it ten times worse. A problem gambler puts aside the facts that its the same random number generator/ same gambling activity and the same odds. All these daft addicted notions that its got to be kind to me next week and I deserve it after the money lost are all part of the twisted mind of a gambler. I cemented the fact that its a losers game and a dangerous waste of time
Then I had to face it and try and put things into perspective....Im healthy and time is still on my side to use my money sensibly from now on. To some extent I have to consider its only money and a rich man may have spent that on a party, a night out or Ive even seen footballers cakes costing thousands :).....ie nothing in particular to show for it but memories..
I use the what price a glass of water in the desert scenario to try and gain a sense of perspective on life itself
Various schemes in my mind to lessen the impact and its now pretty far behind me so I dont really think about much while I get on with life.
I will buy the things I wanted now just later than I would normally have done. I have to think its only stuff because if I was to dwell on it too deeply it would only make me stressed again. I can buy nice things now so that helps me move on
The money has gone so I see no point making myself ill about it beyond those initial depressing days. Maybe that money had to go to finally sort myself out as a person. I have to think about it that way as part of the greater plan. I dont ignore what I did but at the same time I allow it to make me a better person today
I faced it and I count my blessings...what price to be happy and healthy?..... so I move on
Best wishes to you
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