Good morning guys, hope you are well. I last posted after a slight relapse which however minor and knocked my progress.
However it all spiralled out if control on Monday after 4k over the weekend, I lost it all playing online roulette including 3k of my own (or should I say the banks money) due to finding a site which hasn't self excluded me and my card details were still saved . 10k into debt, to put in to perspective 2 years ago I had 2k Savings and no debt.
I cannot put into the words how low, depressed, full of self hatred that made me feel. Too ashamed to tell my girlfreind I had broken her trust again, or to tell my family, I got on a train to the airport which is basically where I have lived for the past 3 days.
Seeing people, coming and going, smiling, laughing hand in hand waiting to go to some new destination. And me the compulsive gambler, a broken man sitting hopelessly with no where to go. It was tortue but I deserved every bit of it. I have reached my lowest point in life.
My girlfreind when she had worked out what happened told my family straight away, and they have persuaded me to go home today. They having been unrelenting in there support and even offered to clear all my debt for me in full. I thought if they know then why not everyone else, so I made an announcement on social media.
The point I'm trying to make here is your lowest point may be a good thing. That moment from then on you can just be honest with yourself and everyone you know. No more hiding , no more making excuses for the mood swings and anger. Most of all no more secrets.
I'm sure, the only way is up. The beauty of your low point is that, short of catching a flesh eating virus, you cannot sink any lower. The only way you can go now is up, and because you have the support there you can do that.
I tried to fight it alone, telling my girlfreind not to tell anyone, swearing her to secrecy. Neither of these worked and I had still the misplaced hope I could use gambling to get me out of the situation.
Now I'm free to make a total revorery, no more sharading myself in a different light depending on who's around.
My advice is this, tell everyone sooner not later. Get to that point when you accept yourself for who you are, let go of your pride and thoughts you can go at it alone.
My girlfreind now had control of ALL finances, including my online banking she will check weekly. If I do accept the money from my parents, I do so with a heavy heart and every intention to pay them every penny back.
For the first time in my addiction, I finally genuinely see a brighter future.
Lowest point? Highest point in disguise? Or maybe even both. I'll let you decide.
I'm not saying nots it gunna be easy, but now I have a full support network and so can you!!
I'll let you know how the talk with my parents go.
I'm sorry for the long post, but if it helps even 1 person who reads it come clean and aid their recovery then I would type it a thousand times over.
I wish you all the best.
Kind Regards
Liam
Hi Liam,
That's a really nice post, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I just wanted to say really well done for coming out and being open about your gambling with everybody, even going so far as to share it on social media. That's a courageous step, and it gives you a lot more accountability in your recovery. It's actually good for people to see that even intelligent people like you can have these types of issues, and it doesn't have to carry such a stigma and shame attached to it, and that you're working on yourself to move forward. I know you're not proud of all the gambling you've done, but you've also chosen a path of acceptance in your recovery, and that's powerful. Gamblers that are more open about their issues tend to do better than those that keep everything secretly bottled up, so what you've done gives me a lot of hope that your future can really be brighter and a lot more peaceful. It sounds like you've got some great support around you as well.
Have you thought about getting any individual counselling in addition to everything else you've done? That could help you address any underlying issues surrounding your gambling, and help you to work on ways to manage any urges that come up. It helps a lot of gamblers work towards a more solid recovery, and we have partner agencies in many parts of the country providing free counselling that we could point you in the direction of if you're interested. Just get in touch with us on the Helpline (0808 8020 133) or the Netline if so, and we'd be happy to chat with you.
Again, really well done, and all the best for your future. Things can definitely get a lot better from here.
Travis
Thank you for you kind reply Travis.
Im home safe and my patents are 100% supportive which is good
The thought of gambling now since everyone knows my issues, frankly makes me feel sick.
If I place my next bet on my death bed, then it will be too soon.
Now the slow process of rebuilding my life begins.
I'm feeling really depressed and low for what I've done, I'm going to see a doctor on Monday.
But part of me knows there is only one healer for self loathing.
And that my friends is time.
Day of 5 of not gambling.
All the best.
Your freind
Liam
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