Hey folks,
I haven't posted in a long time but I've been on the site quite regular reading up on people's success(and failures)and just wanted to let you all know how my recovery is going
I am now 170 days gamble free, within touching distance of 6 months of the start of this recovery and I feel better every single day that I can stay gamble free. It's been far from an easy ride and I have discovered so much about myself, the hurt I've caused and the journey I've still to encounter but there is one thing for sure, I'm not going back!
Let me first recap my story, I have gambled from as young as 12/13 years old, fruit machines to start with before it became serious. for the last 15 years I worked in the Gambling industry as a Betting shop manager which was like fuelling my addiction, 5/6 days a week working to give all i had to another firm. It all came to a head end of September when I crossed the line and done something I had avoided all my working life, I stole a large sum of cash to try and recoup my personal losses. It's fair to say it ended badly and at the end I attempted suicide with no way out, cowardly probably but I have suffered with mental health issues and this clouded my judgement when trying to make a racional decision. Thankfully it was like my gambling and ended up a failure for the 2nd time, but it was just what i needed in fairness. No longer could I go on working in the Industry whilst trying to sort myself out. I have 3 kids who I neglected though lack of time dedicated to them, days off would be plonking them in front of tv's whilst i spent hundreds online. My partner was my rock through all my recovery and we are better now than ever. She knew I gambled but never to the extent I did. I told so many lies to so many people I loved, got people in debt on my behalf which is shameful and something that add's to the guilt and shame of this addiction. In time I will hopefully regain some sort of self worthfulness and not have to feel embarressed around people. I have had to take myself away and basically learn to relive my life differently as I have never known any other way of living, My partner controls the finances, debts are being dealt with and my kids are now getting the attention they deserve. I have had to distance myself from former friends who still gamble as I can't be around them in fear of doing something stupid. I am still under counselling for gambling which has been fantastic for me, just having someone impartial to speak to has helped as has some techniques that have been suggested to help with my messed up head.
The only way you can stop is by wanting to stop yourself, no one can do the work for you. Help is out there and my adice would be to snap their hand off to anyone offering. I am currently still out of work, thankfully my previous employers have not taken any criminal action against me and tbh were more than helpful and understanding with my issues. I am worried about stepping back into the real world at some point, anixety and depression issues and the fact I have lived my life in a bubble for 20+ years make me nervous about how to step back out so to speak, for the first 2 months after hitting rock bottom I barely ventured out the house, that didn't help me mentally and I'm trying to overcome this but it's a slow process. I know I've rambled a bit but that's the new me, I let everyone know how i feel these days, no longer am I a closed book. I talk to my partner a lot more than I used to, which in turn has opened up some skeletons from my past which has caused so much pain and mental issues in the past.
170 DAYS GAMBLE FREE AND IT FEELS GREAT....On to the next 170...then the 170 after that and so on.
We can all beat this.
Good luck everyone
Hello norman.
Firstly well done on reaching 170 days gamble free. That's a great achievement.
I enjoyed reading your post on how life is improving everyday without gambling involved. I'm on my longest gamble free run and im not going back to day 1. Like you i began to reap the benefits of a gamble free life after the first couple of weeks in terms of mental state. Then as the months passed with each payday gone by the financial benefits appeared too.
Like yourself i used to work in the betting industry too. Gambling my money in the bookies next door on my breaks. I only started gambling at the age of 21 in the year 2011, it was only in 2014 i noticed that gambling was becoming a problem so i self excluded myself from the next door shop and a few others. I never gave up properly, always finding a way to bet. I wish i could of gone back in time and told myself to get serious because the next 3 years will get worse. I never had any real blocks in place apart from the few self exclusions. Anyway again like what happened to you, in 2015 i was working on my own in the morning and decided to gamble with the companies money on the fobts and lost alot. When i realised i was not going to get it back i just knew i was done for. I sat behind the counter wanting to burst into tears and wondering how can i tell my manager who i was good mates with. Anyway i told him and he was devasted, luckily i never had any criminal charges put against me either. My area manager was just as devasted as he told me i was one of his best staff members in the district. My story mirrors yours alot as they were just as understanding and caring. I later found out from my old manager that the area manager even went as far as saying he would of fought to keep me and get all the help i needed.
Anyway i thought that was my rock bottom moment. Losing my job directly from my gambling problem. I thought i would never gamble again but guess what, i did.
I gambled on and off from that day and then in july 2017 i was at my longest try of 2 months. I thought i was cured and got abit too cocky. Relapsed hard and went back to wanting to end it all after i gambled a big amount dipping into my bills money. My fiancee was just as upset because she thought all the tears i cried last time when i said i was giving up, she couldnt understand why id go back.
Luckily on the 6th november 2017 i just had this feeling today i'm going to stop. I hadn't even gambled from a week due to no money but it was just something in my mind snapped. Most probably due to the constant depression of not having any money for another 3 weeks.
I self excluded myself on the multi operator scheme from all shops where i lived, worked, family/friends lived and even places i couls drive too in 30 mins or so. I racked up over 50 self exclusions. I closed down all online accounts. snapped up my card and ordered a new one which went straight to my fiancee and that was it. Something changed that day and as time passed by i got to look back at the last 6 years and how bad gambling actually was. I wont go back now, not even for a lottery ticket. I have accepted i will never be able to gamble again, not even a penny bet.
Sorry for this long post but i wanted to share my slightly common story with you.
All the best and i look forward to keeping an eye for future posts.
Thanks for the comments and well done mate. It's a horrendous addiction, when you actually work in the bookies it just becomes a living nightmare.
September 28th was my last day gambling and like yourself I'm not ever going back. This thing has done me for 20 years and I'm determined not to let it have another minute of my life. Like many others I'd try in the past and last a day or two at best without gambling, convince myself that a football bet or a placepot wouldn't hurt but it did, once they lost I'd be chasing straight away.
Good luck with your battle Mate, onwards and upwards for us all.
171 days and counting.
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