Mum to Be - Back to square one and fed up!!!

Hi,

I have previously been on here, Ive been gambling for 10 years and I am fed up! I am expecting my first child in Feb and all I can think about is how I am spending my daughters money and hurting my husband over and over again. I have never really explained my situation, never written it down, I am hoping that this will help me begin to cope with my problem. I was introduced to gambling by my previous partners mum, Foxy bingo - just abit of fun. Not for me. I spiralled out of control, the odd £10 here and there wasnt enough, I needed more excitement. When I first started out, I would ALWAYS withdraw but then the demon took over and what ever I won was never enough, not for greed, I just liked the excitment of pushing it futher. I eventually got myself into alot of debt, took on an extra job (14 hour days), stealing from family and partner at the time. I was a mess but I couldnt admit it. Aslong as no one on the outside knew, I could keep it together and go about my daily business. I was always life and soul of the party, advice giver, the person that people always went to for help. No one knew the hurt inside. I still kind of keep that guard up now - no one outside of my family would ever guess I was addicted to gambling. I hide it well, dont we all? Thats what it does to us, we become very good liars. So, skip forward around 5 years, still upto my old tricks, stealing, lying, going around in circles. It was a significant date for me which obviously triggered a gambling rampage, £700 later I creep up to bed full of guilt and remorse and the folowing day was Valentines Day. I was due to be married within a few months so I thought I would wake up to atleast a present/card, but no, nothing. looking back I can see that we had fell out of love and it was a relationship based on convience, mainly mine as he was my financial crutch, always bailed me out. To be fair it became a convenience for him too as he knew that all it took for him to go out and do what he liked was the offer of £20 and a laptop. This became a daily occurance. i spent alot of time alone and began to drink. I also piled on the weight so i was on a downward spiral of depression which didnt help. I went to work that valentines day and something clicked. After years of promising to sort my self out and not doing it, I finally did it. I came home and announed that I was going to GA. I was taking the leap. I was really going to stop for good. My partner couldnt have cared less, he went out with his friends. Valentines day?? So anyway, I called my friend and she came with me for support, she sat outside and waited for me. It was daunting, I walked into a room full of men twice my age on Valentines day, who wouldnt be scared? I skipped out of that session, i was on cloud 9. I had took the first step to freedom. I called my partner, he didnt answer. I stayed at my friends house that evening. No text/call to ask where I was or how I was. Anyway, as you can probably guess, we didnt last long and I was alone. I found GA useful but I was still secretly gambling. I enjoyed my sessions, listening to other peoples stories and sharing about my week. it kept me going. I have never really stopped gambling but I did manage to cut down. Fast forward to the present day, I am now married to an amazing man who worships the ground that I walk on but I cant help but hurt him over and over again. I was open and honest from the start and told him all about my problem which he has been fantastic in understanding and supporting me. We have both been to counselling separately to go through our issues and help himm understand a little as to why I do it. I did cut down massively for a whilse but lately I have been on a mission to self destruct. I dont know if this is because I am anxious about my new baby or something else is playing on my mind but its driving me crazy. its literally all I can think about. I have no access to money as hubby deals with bills and my wages get paid into his account. We arre currently on a debt management plan as I did rack up alot of debt, maybe its the thought of having no money when baby arrives that makes me do it? Crazy isnt it that you dream of winning big to sort your problems but in reality if you cut out the gambling you will be 100% up onn your money!!! Something else that is playing on my mind too is the endles multiple accounts that i have opened just to play free spins/money. I never withdraw and end up spencing a fortune but in the back of my mind I feel like someone will come knocking on my door. I do feel a little silly for that but I guess our mind is our worst enemy sometimes.I am going to try to log on everyday to keep this going and also read others experinces for motivation.