i sit here alone on christmas day,
my life so far gambled away,
now 36 i have nothing to show,
but deep regret and sorrow.
at one point many years ago,
i was a friendly popular fellow.
falling in to gambling and anxiety,
all my good points were stripped from me,
a look in the mirror and all i see,
is the shell of someone i used to be
only the face i recognize,
and dead i feel on the inside
i hear my neighbours festive cheers
my lonliness brings me to tears
i look at my failures and to myself i say
"its all you deserve anyway".
"you fail,your lazy you never try,
your to scared to live and scared to die",
so many people are worse of than me,
yet they fight to be the best they can be.
i have a job and chances to change,
but it always ends the same.
i feel the pull and the horrible need,
go to the betting shop and roulette machines feed,
the money goes in and i press the button spin,
i do this to lose i have no intention to win,
if i lose then i dont have to try,
to face the life that makes me cry,
i can settle on the fact iam that i am beyond repair,
that iam worthless, and my place in life is no where.
its easier to fail, then face what you fear
then excuses i can use like i can do no better.
i am far from being a stupid man,
yet addictions and silly mistakes suggest iam.
when iam focused and mind all clear
my failures and mistakes are easier to bear,
for those are the in the past and cannot be changed,
but can be learnt from, so not to repeat again.
yet when something in my life takes a wrong turn,
the destructive patterns do return.
i have so long poisened the person i was,
but he is not completley lost
deep down i know i can fight,
beat these demons and live my life right,
the gambling can stop, i can fight my fears,
then the true person i am can reappear,
he is kind he is funny his heart is true,
he is the one you want as a friend to you.
Welcome! Keep writing and sharing. yes, you are the you that you remember and love... all is not lost... just, we are sick when we gamble. We can get better! odaat. Blessings! T2
Keep the faith pal. Don't mope. Crack on and let's make something happen. Do a good turn for yourselves and for someone else the next 10 days... go on I dare you! I guarantee you'll start feeling better and gambling will start edging away. Step outside the mist and join the party... you'll love it.
I am only back (a little less than 3 weeks). But a lot of what you're saying I would have said. In a short period of time I have regained hope and with this I can recover day by day. It's not an easy or certain journey but it is the only choice we have.
Hi rob.just read your post and most of what you said I have also felt.gambling changes your personality,turns you into this reclusive, short tempered,reckless person that we are not.we cannot let this be who we are.we can beat this together.be strong.david
Hi rob you say I an inspiration but what an inspirational post this is I on just c**P at expressing my feelings in the way you have done here. I wish I had your way with words. It reminded of me off a poem I found at GA different to yours but just as expressive.
Gambling sure had a grip on me.And I wanted to be gambling free. But giving up was really hard. As I felt scared and confused
my whole life was out of control. And I fell down a gambling hole. I stooped to a rock bottom low. How to cope? I didn't know
from the hole I had to get out. But doing that I had my doubt. I'd tried to do it on my own. But in the darkness I felt alone
i decided to go and attend GA. As I was in a desperate way. I needed to learn how to cope. Going to GA was my only hope
in a terrible state I went to GA. I really didn't have much to say. I mainly listened to others there. Sitting nervously in my chair.
GA for me was my last resort. I really needed a lot of support. Other members helped me a lot. Support and wisdom I got.
One thing freely given to me. Was hope for my recovery. Hope that I too could be. Like others gamble free.
it felt like a rope was there. Just dangling in the air. I could grab onto it or not. Or in the hole I could stay and rot.
I chose to reach out for it. At first I really felt like s**t. I had to hold on for dear life. To let go I'd have strife.
The rope was a mighty length And I didn't have much strength. I could see a rock bottom below. And stupidly I let go.
I tried to learn from my mistake And the rope again I did take. My higher power helped me. With the rope and my recovery.
For me the rope is a lifeline. Holding onto it now feels fine. There's a supportive GA friend. At the ropes other end
credit Michelle(Manchester). New life magazine GA.
i would love to read a diary from you you express your feelings so well
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