Oh dear.......7 years and it's returned.

Christ

The demon has crept back in my life, below is a entry I wrote seven years ago when 7 months into my rehab.

7 years on and he's back..........

I wont bore you with my detailed past but in a nut shell im a man who nearly lost my job and much loved wife and kids through letting the demon that is gambling take control of me.
I see gambling as a demon who lurks in my mind, a powerful source of evil that feeds on my sorrow and my gambling. With every bet, every cash withdrawl, every sleepless night, every lie and every guilty piece of consience he grows, getting bigger and bigger, stronger and stronger.
I finally drew a line under all my gambling 7 months ago when my demon was running wild in my mind and i was on the brink of losing everything and pressing the self distruct button . I was at my lowest ebb, fragile in mind and spirit and totally at the mercy of the demon that was gambling.
My wife my children my job even my sanity meant nothing to me all i wanted was my next bet. It hurts so much now to write that my wife and children meant nothing to me they are my world and they meant nothing. I was at the mercy of my demon.
I called gamcare and started counselling, i had an initial assessment and was offered the maximum 26 sessions such was my problem - at the minute its working and life is so so good, i am back, i am happy, i am normal, i have my health back, my mind back, and my family has the old "me" back.
In the first weeks months I carried a photo in my pocket of my family and everytime i wanted to go into the bookies i turned to that photo as a source of strengh to keep the demon at bay.
7 months down the line and my demon is weak and lies slumped at the back of my mind as i have starved him of any power or strengh, but i know that should i place that next bet, should i go into that next bookmakers i will be offering him that bit of power and feeding him that bit of strengh and once more he will slowly come to his feet and rip through my heart and soul and once more rule me and my thoughts, taking my health, mind, and happiness once more and next time probably my one love - my family.
When a woman gives birth - at first she refuses to even think of having another child saying the pain was too bad, but as time passes the memory of the pain eases and the thought of having another baby slowly seems not a bad idea once more.
This is the same as gambling and losing , the pain, the guilt, and the emotion hurts for the first few days but over time the pain is less and having another bet doesnt seem too bad, as a compulsive gambler like myself i remind myself of that lonely isolated person who sat in that chair seven months ago pouring his mind out to a complete stranger and swear to myself i do not want to be that person again and i do not want to feel those thoughts ever again - because it is so, so, hard wading through the fog trying to get to the other side.
For anyone who is in those early days stuck in the fog, be strong, its hard now but every day your clean of gambling is every day your demon is slowly bending to his knees becoming weaker and weaker and you become stronger and stronger slowly becoming the person you know is inside you, a good person who is ill and who needs to get better.
Good luck