Rationality and gambling.

Hi @slowlearner and everyone reading this

Sadly there can be a link between gambling problems and suicidal thoughts, so thank you for highlighting this. For anyone reading this who might be struggling with suicidal thoughts, there is help and support out there. 

Find out more about gambling and mental health at our website. We also include links to organisations who can help. 

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/understanding-gambling-problems/how-can-gambling-affect-your-life/

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Posted by: Walliss77

Hopefully he can get the help he needs and can envisage the sad and lonely latter years of life that are enivitable if he continues as this will hopefully give him the drive to change his future. 

I hope you have found support whilst supporting your brother-in-law because it can't have been easy for you and other family members. 

Thank you, I appreciate that. This forum (and the members here) has been very useful to me in helping to understand the nature of his addiction.

I had already realised that providing money for him was pointless. He was in a stress and on the verge of a breakdown because he had once again gambled all of his weekly wages and had no money for food.

I knew that I could have given him £10k and in a week he’d be in the same situation. But we did buy food for him, something that I now know (thanks to this community) was a mistake, as of course he wasn’t feeling the consequences of his actions, and was enabling.

I will say that *some* self-knowledge is useful, but only where there is a practical point to it.

For example, if you know from experience that carrying around cash will just be too much temptation to slip, then you can put that knowledge to practical use, and arrange things so you don’t carry any more than you need. Knowing yourself that way is helpful.

What was not helpful for my Brother in law was him spending hours of time and endless energy trying to figure out why he wasn’t happy, why his mind worked in a certain way, why he felt this, why he felt that etc etc.

Almost all of those questions could be answered with “because you need to grow up, mate”.

He could not make progress this way because nobody can. You won’t suddenly discover the golden key in your own mind and say “eureka! I’m cured”. It’s a blind alley, and in his case he went down these blind alleys as an alternative to actually facing the problems he was causing.

I explained to him that he couldn’t cure himself this way for the same reason you can’t bite your own teeth. If your thinking processes are faulty (and this is the problem with compulsive gambling) then you can’t think your way out of it. You need someone who is outside of those faulty processes to show you were you’re going wrong. E g a counsellor.

The only time he made any real progress was when he saw a counsellor who specialised in CBT. It helped him identify corrupted thought patterns and avoid them. 

This put him on the right path for quite a while, but eventually the selfishness and immaturity crept in again, and he slid back.

I’ve seen the struggle he went through, and believe me, I really really feel for those on here who are doing the same. I would like to offer encouragement to you all, because I know you can make progress if you are determined to.

Hmm.. interesting. Once again I agree with much of what has been written.

In response to Brother-of-gambler... much thoughtful insight from the other side so to speak. I am the gambler and am sure my sisters have been very frustrated with me over the years. I do slightly disagree over the food thing. We all need to eat. If we are hungry or eating rice with tomatoe ketchup then there is no hope of rational decision making in the face of adversity. So the fact that you bought food for your brother I think is kind of a neutral thing to do. My sisters send me the occasional gift card (£20 max) for a food shop when am in crisis, rather than cash.

Every thing else you say I think is right on the ball. I have been guilty of over-analysing everything, especially when in crisis, when under a great deal of stress. But in reality this intense introspection simple becomes a way to block everything out and avoid having "to do" anything real to stop myself gambling and more importantly to stay stopped. Personally I think that counselling is something for further down the road when the immediate crisis has passed.

The immaturity I think is certainly part and parcel of the addiction. The child within me is perhaps quite a strong force. The child just wants to play, regardless of the consequences. I know that the adult side of me has  to keep talking to that child. Parent the child within. I don't think that most people that gamble are deliberately selfish but like you say, the old patterns of behaviour start to creep back in. people with addictions, like myself, have to keep working on ourselves like you might work at a buisness. You can't take your eye off the ball for a second.

Anyway, a very helpful thread.

Regards to all

Its very difficult to advise on helping someone.

I could hear the pain and frustration in my parents voices but they didnt really know what to do. I dont blame them in that way...why would they be addiction experts? I was the one presenting a major problem to them.

They did not understand the addiction just as I didnt realise how much I was hooked on gambling activity.

Therefore the tendency was to think it was a stupidity, maturity or greed issue. Its not about growing up or snapping out of it. 

The dangerous thing about gambling is that its a drug, an anxiety soother, and a distraction. To a delusional mind it can seem a short term way out. Even in the extreme short term of "winning" a tenner and having a slap up breakfast. everything seems to make sense....this morning will be a good morning....of course on those odds and that level of addiction, its all nonsense  

If they gave me money I gambled nearly all of it after one basic food shop. If they gave me food I have to be honest that it made me think I could gamble my money and ask for food.

Its better to give someone food but you have to get involved and ask them where their money is going or the cycle just continues. 

At one point I was living in a bad city area and stumbling from one dead end job to another.

I had this twisted idea that I was going to save on rent and see real down to earth people. The reality is that I stayed in a scary condemned old rectory and saw nothing but trouble in the area

Worse than dead end jobs you were lucky if you got two weeks out of them  The jobs were available for a reason! In one I was laughed at, bullied and threatened. I ended up on the dole more often than not. Depressed I would walk to the grim shopping arcade and quickly end up in the small arcade. The carpets and machine lights a different world to the grey streets

My giro would be gone in a short morning.....Gone!

Makes me shudder now. I was a J****E, living in squalor completely self destructing. I see myself as no different to a heroin addict going for a fix. Everything seemed painful and my drug fix was gambling

My phone calls were a cry for help but I could not get the words out. What I wanted to say was help me please...take me home  and help me find a real future...training discipline... a purpose in life.

What came out was some mumbled lies about spending and needing money. I was in the total grip of an addiction.

Helping an addicted gambler is difficult. I would like to think that I deserved some help. Its a question about the right help and whether I was actually ready to stop.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum